Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Who Doesn't Appreciate A Nice Gift Basket?

Catherine Martin, that's who.

Now you may be asking yourself, "Who is Catherine Martin?  That name sounds familiar."

That's because most people know Catherine Martin as Senator Ruth Martin's daughter a.k.a. the girl who complained about the spa she was at from "Silence of the Lambs".

The ungrateful politician's daughter was a whiny brat while all Buffalo Bill wanted to do was provide her with a lovely gift basket, probably from the Bath and Body Works.  I bet it smelled like Sun Ripened Raspberry.

And then he offered her some hydrotherapy, which isn't cheap and is also very relaxing.

This topic actually came up at trivia last night when a question was asked about Clarice Starling.  Naturally anytime the movie is brought up people bring up the scene where Buffalo Bill is just getting in touch with his femanine side.  During the conversation I did learn about a wonderful little song and video on YouTube which I think explains Buffalo Bill better than anything I could write.


~ The Office Scribe

Okay, maybe I just so desperately need a vacation that a trip down the well at BB's sounds like a good time... (shrug)

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Fun Ways To Get Swine Flu

I am sick of people telling me how to not get Swine Flu.  I get it.  If I want to stay healthy I should wash my hands.  Fine.  I do that anyway.  And I hope to god everyone else does too, but I know that isn't the case.  Which weirds me out.  It's like people who try on underwear.  Ewwww.

But the question I have is: What if I want to get Swine Flu?  What if I want to ensure that I come down with a raging case that leaves me weak, sickly, and 20 pounds lighter?  What if it might be the only way short of a mental breakdown that I can guarantee myself some downtime away from work and other commitments?

So I compiled a list of FUN ways that you and I can get Swine Flu.  And if you think of anything else I would love to read about it in the comments.

A lot of time people wonder what strange and exotic foods taste like.  But I wonder, have you ever thought what a door handle might taste like?  Perhaps it is time to find out.

You can pretty much find anything you want on Craigslist.  I am sure if you posted an ad looking from someone to come over and spread the germs you could find one.  Plus you could possibly gain a new friend and the insight as to what the bottom of a well looks like.

You know how people leave drinks when they go to the bathroom (unless you can shove a beer bottle in your cleavage like I do)?  Well, instead of slipping a ruffie into it like you usually would take a big sip and enjoy that martini and whatever germs were back washed into it.

When I was at Girl Scout Camp we used to make Gutter Sundaes which is done by taking a section of gutter (preferably new) and loading it full of ice cream and toppings, then unleashing everyone on it with spoons.  The camp stopped doing it my third year there because people were afraid of the germs you might pick up.  I saw we bring this fine tradition back for just that reason.

There you are.  You have just stolen a bunch of dinosaur embryos from a secluded lab on an island off the coast of Costa Rica.  It's raining.  You lose control of your car and slide down a hill.  In the middle of the downpour, as you are trying to fix your car, you meet a breed of dinosaur face to face.  When you treat it like a dog it ramps up and spits a giant loogie in your face.  Instead of becoming paralyzed have an infected person spit in your face and voila!  You have Swine Flu!

They are trendy.  Whether it be while sparkling in the north woods and driving preteen girls into a fury over a guy who needs to shower.  Or on HBO where they actually act like vampires, bite people, have sex, and are much, much hotter than anything found in Seattle.  Or in the numerous scripts that Hollywood is green lighting to cash in on the popularity of the two aforementioned franchises.  So I suggest you go out and bite someone.  And when they throw you in county lockup you can catch swine flu from a guy named Bubba who has no teeth and facial burns from when his meth lab blew up.

Any of these options create a unique and exciting opportunity to give yourself that much needed break.

~ The Office Scribe

* The Office Scribe in no way condones people going out and getting horribly ill because my luck it will be my co-workers who read this and get sick while I remain healthy as a horse, stuck in my cubicle, doing my work and all of theirs...

Monday, August 10, 2009

"Spring Awakening" Put Me Into A Summer Coma

Normally I try to keep anything culturally significant out of this blog.  I mean, it really isn't a place to debate Mozart vs. Chopin.  But for those of you who don't know I am actually a rather cultured person.  I am a member of several museums, I have stared for hours at my favorite sculpture in the Villa Borghese, and I have season tickets to Broadway in Chicago.

Okay, so my mom has season tickets but she takes me more than anyone else.

Yesterday we drove downtown to see the production of "Spring Awakening" that is in town.  Now I knew nothing of this musical before I went to see it, which doesn't happen too often.  My mom read something about how it is based on a story from the 16th century.  It had music done by someone I have heard of and it was nominated and possibly won some Tony's, so how bad could it be?

As the elderly ladies who sit in front of us said at intermission "Well this was a waste of money". (They and a bunch of people left at intermission)

The only reason I can think that it got such rave revues was the simulated sex acts and the fact that I saw an actresses boob.  As my mom said, "This is like watching Hair meets Dead Poets Society".  And while both of those are great productions they combination of the two left me bored.

The only thing that kept me alert was the promise of Garetts Chicago Mix after the show.

~ The Office Scribe

Sunday, August 2, 2009

A Warning To Future Lottery Winners

You know how we all play that game "if I won the lottery what would I buy?".

It's a fun way to pass the time as we work at our jobs as we imagine ourselves dripping in dimonds or cooling off in our infinity edge pool in Malibu.

But I think a lot of people imagine themselves hitting the waters in their brand new boat. Feeling the breeze in your hair as you zip around in a speed boat or enjoying the scenery as you cruise along in a pontoon or catching that prize winning fish in a bass boat.

But let me tell you, as someone who owns a boat (not from lottery winnings): Boats will be the death of you.

Imgaine if you will this scenario: You just got to the boat after a LONG week and all you want to do is relax. You brought a cooler full of sandwiches and Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade. The CD player is full of Jimmy Buffet ready to sing about volcanoes and margaritas.

And the damn boat won't start. You try everything, adding more gas, jump;ing the battery cursing so loud the 4 year old next door was forced to add some new words to their volcabulary, but nothing worked. Now you are more worked up than you were before you tried to start the boat. And of course, the marina is closed so there is no one to help you.

Welcome to what I like to call Sunday's at my lake house.

And people wonder why I bought a canoe at age 14. Reason: The only way they won't start is if a sasquatch ripped off your arms and left you unable to use a paddle.

~ The Office Scribe