Away From Her Desk

Songs I Don't Want To Like

2011-12-12T17:18:00.000-08:00

For the past oh, 3 days or so, I have had the song "Red Solo Cup" by Toby Keith stuck in my head. I attribute this to a cousin singing it at the family Christmas party this weekend. Trouble is - I don't like country music and I really have something against Toby Keith because of a horrible incident at pub trivia a few years back. So I have two solid reasons not to like this song, but damn it if it's everything I can do to not download it off iTunes. So this got me thinking about all the songs I don't want to like but do.

1) Red Solo Cup - Toby Keith
It's a cardinal sin to shout an answer out loud at trivia, but I accidentally did this one night (after a few Black & Tans) and the answer was 'Toby Keith". This indiscretion has haunted my for years.

2) Anything by Lady Gaga
I am not usually a pop music kinda person. But damn that woman is talented - creepy outfits not standing.

3) All I Want For Christmas Is You - Mariah Carey
It's WAY too over played on all the holiday music stations but each time it comes on in the car, I find myself singing along. Of course, this is only when I am alone in the car, as I would never subject anyone to my singing.

4) Anything by Kanye West
The dude is a huge douche but in along the same vein as Lady Gaga, I can't get past his talent when it comes to music.

5) Neutron Star Collision - Muse
Not so much because I don't like Muse (I think they are great) but because I inadvertently heard this song off an ad for a Twilight movie. (((shudder)))

6) Milkshake by Kelis
Horrible song that I have ridiculously fond memories of from one time driving down the 405 with my mom and two of her coworkers.

7) Incomplete by The Backstreet Boys
I feel like I am cheating on NKOTB every time I listen to this song.

8) All The Things She Said by T.A.T.U.
You remember this song - I know you do. It was by those faux Russian lesbians. Enough said.

9) Du Hast by Rammstein
It's angry. It's German. And it reminds me of high school.

10) Goodbye Stranger by Supertramp
Because of this song I now have the entire "Best of Supertramp" on my computer. Drinking and downloading is a dangerous thing.

And perhaps the most popular (I bet you all know it/have sung it/own it) song of all time:

11) I Will Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)
The lyrics make no sense. The music video is uber-confusing. But when I die this is going on my funeral mix list.

Feel free to contribute in the comments section.

~ The Office Scribe

Proof That I Read My E-Mails: Gibby Goo Bop

2011-02-09T20:43:00.000-08:00

I just logged on to check the e-mail account that I use for my blogs and Twitter and saw an e-mail from someone named Gibby Goo Bop. My initial thought was penis enlargement drugs from Thailand, but I clicked anyway. Here is the e-mail...

Subject: Scribey! Everybody will snooze blue...

hi office scribe!

asleep under the desk? funny, me too!

i'll sleep under my desk! and i'll sleep in the loo!!

everybody will snooze blue

so I made this video just for you…

ENJOY!!

love,

Gibby

Against my better judgement, I clicked on the YouTube link, and instead of finding a request from Chris Hansen to "take a seat over there" I was treated to the following music video, entitled "Strife on Mars?"

I won't even pretend to understand it, and I am pretty sure by posting it I am spreading the secret message imbedded within the lyrics and recruiting for this guys cult, but what the hell? I feel the need to be directly involved in possibly one of the greatest viral self promotions wacky lyricists have ever thought of.

So, remember, don't drink the Kool-Aid and, um, enjoy?

~ The Office Scribe

Horror Movie Survival Tip #1

2010-12-07T18:37:00.000-08:00

Every so often I will present you, my readers, with tips that if taken into consideration, could help you survive a horror movie, or a similar situation. I like you guys, and don't want to lose any of you to a random act of slashing that could have been avoided.

Horror Movie Survival Tip #1

Never use so much bubble bath that you can't see the bottom of the tub.

See: Nightmare on Elm Street, Slither

A Total "Eclipse" of My Sanity

2010-12-06T19:57:00.000-08:00

I have been joking recently that stress at work may cause me to lose my mind before the stockings are hung by the chimney with care.

Last night was the first sign that my psyche is waning - I watched "Eclipse".

Well, first I watched "Die Hard". And after I watched "Super Troopers".

So I guess I am not a lost cause yet.

Or am I?

~ The Office Scribe

10 Things I Learned at the Chicago Marathon

2010-10-12T19:31:00.000-07:00

1) While running 26.2 miles it a true test of endurance, a truer test of endurance is how long one can remain on a stalled "L" train, packed like a sardine with hundreds of tourists, before the pry open the doors and see how dangerous that third rail really is.

2) "Bloody nipples" is not just a joke made by Andy Bernard from "The Office". That shit it real.

3) Runners are slobs. After the race, the streets of Chicago were littered with banana peels, sponges, and those who could not finish.

4) It's not a racist or stereotypical comment if it's true.

5) Cops from the South side know nothing about the North side (and so it should remain for all time).

6) iPhones have the worlds most annoying alarm feature. I thought my friend's apartment was on fire.

7) Those who dare to run while dressed like national monuments get the loudest cheers.

8) Cold pot stickers from Jewel at 10:00 a.m. are mighty tasty.

9) Just because the label says Tonic Water that doesn't mean the bottle contains Tonic Water.

10) My friend Kate truly is my hero for running her first marathon, finishing, and still having the strength to go out for deep dish pizza afterwards.

~ The Office Scribe

Hollywood Has No Idea What A Persian Looks Like

2010-05-11T20:36:00.000-07:00

When I hear the word Persian, the first thing I think of is this:

Then maybe followed by this:

I don't think this:

Or this:

Take note Hollywood. Take note.

~ The Office Scribe

Omegle Quiz #1: Name Your Favorite Planet

2010-04-14T20:12:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't know, here is the description of what Omegle is, straight from the site:

Omegle is a great way of meeting new friends. When you use Omegle, we pick another user at random and let you have a one-on-one chat with each other. Chats are completely anonymous, although there is nothing to stop you from revealing personal details if you would like.

So last night I decided to try it out. And when I got tired of guys offering to show me their junk, I decided to start a little poll. I asked the random people a question and here are the answers I received:

Name your favorite planet:

Uranus: 6 (No surprise here)

Mars: 5

Jewipiter: 1 (That is how the guy spelled it)

Cirus: 1 (I questioned the answer and the stranger replied: It will be one day)

Earth: 1

Pluto: 1

Immediate Disconnects*: 11

This was fun, so check back in occasionally for more Omegle polls.

~ The Office Scribe

* I can only assume these were people who weren't interested in planets but, as mentioned earlier, in wanting to show me their junk.

AFI #99 (1998): Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

2010-04-11T14:11:00.000-07:00

Title: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
Year: 1967
Director: Stanley Kramer
Staring: Spencer Tracy, Sidney Poitier, Katherine Hepburn

Plot: A couple is put to the test when their daughter brings home a fiance who is black.

Have I Seen It Before: No

Do I Own It: No

Famous Line: I don't think I'm going to faint, but I'll sit down anyway.

Fun Fact: Katharine Hepburn's character's daughter is played by her real life niece Katharine Houghton. (Thanks to my mom for supplying me with that tidbit of knowledge.)

Any Mention of Illinois? Sadly, I think the talk of teaching in Geneva was about the one in Switzerland.

Five Thoughts I Had While Watching This Film:

1) As a parent I don't think my main concern would be the difference in race. I would be more concerned about the age gap, he'd been married before, short time they had known each other, and getting married in a foreign country.

2) Spencer Tracy is adorable in this film and totally reminded me of James Whitmore, which, as I found out from IMDB, is a common thought.

3) Holy cow, didn't they made a modern day version of this with Ashton Kutcher and that chick from "Avatar"? Why, oh why, would they have done that?

4) I need a sassy housekeeper. As much as I like to cook, I want one for the snappy banter. (I also want a British butler - but that has nothing to do with this movie and more to do with Batman.)

5) How did I make it through almost 2 years of studying film, and taking black history and writing classes, and not see this movie? Sure, they made me read The Bluest Eye every semester, but I didn't get to see this fabulous flick.

This movie deserves to be on this list if for nothing more than it takes place in the span of a day, which most of my fav movies tend to do. (Okay, so Twister was more like 2 days, but who's counting?)

Next up: #99 (2008) Toy Story

~ The Office Scribe

AFI #100: Yankee Doodle Dandy

2010-04-05T19:16:00.000-07:00

Title: Yankee Doodle Dandy
Year: 1942
Director: Michael Curtiz
Staring: James Cagney, Joan Leslie, Walter Houston

Plot: The life story of composer, playwright, dancer and singer George M. Cohan

Have I Seen It Before: Yes

Do I Own This Movie: No

Famous Line: My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you.

Fun Fact!: George M. Cohan picked James Cagney to play him.

Any Mention of Illinois: Yes! Family was waiting at a train station in Illinois and remarked about how cold it was in Spring!

Five Thoughts I Had While Watching This Movie:

1) The did a fantastic job aging people. This movie was made in 1942, about 123 years before the invention of computers and long before The Curious Case of Benjamin Button won an Oscar. The people actually looked old. Take that CGI!

2) Actors back in the day had to be hella talented. They could sing, dance, and act. And it made me realize that, according to these standards, Zac Efron is the most talented human in the world. DAMN YOU DISNEY!

3) I did phase out at one point and become more interested in checking my Twitter feed. I mean, I love a musical number but come on.

2) God bless the crazy, frenetic delivery of the actors. They sped through the dialog so fast if you weren't paying attention, you'd miss something. But it was also incredibly realistic. In real life, people actually do talk fast.

1) Women wore hats back in those days and I really wish we still did. I want to walk around with a smart little piece of miller work on my hat while having cocktails wit the girls at 21.

Overall, I like the movie, but like I said, it did drag a bit. Of course, I think that is because I was raised in a society where things generally explode in movies every 15 minutes to keep people interested. Sadly, this movie had no explosions.

~ The Office Scribe

The AFI Film Challenge

2010-04-02T17:08:00.000-07:00

Because I love a good challenge (See my post over at Asleep Under My Desk for an example) and because I love movies, I have decided to watch all of the Top 100 AFI Films, in order, and blog about them.

Why?

Because it's easier than reading the top 100 greatest novels ever written.

So tomorrow, the first movie shows up (thanks NetFlix!) and I will start my quest.

Here are the films, in order* (I am starting at the bottom and working my way up)

1.CITIZEN KANE (1941)

2.CASABLANCA (1942)

3.GODFATHER, THE (1972)

4.GONE WITH THE WIND (1939)

5.LAWRENCE OF ARABIA (1962)

6.WIZARD OF OZ, THE (1939)

7.GRADUATE, THE (1967)

8.ON THE WATERFRONT (1954)

9.SCHINDLER'S LIST (1993)

10.SINGIN' IN THE RAIN (1952)

11.IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946)

12.SUNSET BOULEVARD (1950)

13.BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI, THE (1957)

14.SOME LIKE IT HOT (1959)

15.STAR WARS (1977)

16.ALL ABOUT EVE (1950)

17.AFRICAN QUEEN, THE (1951)

18.PSYCHO (1960)

19.CHINATOWN (1974)

20.ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST (1975)

21.GRAPES OF WRATH, THE (1940)

22.2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968)

23.MALTESE FALCON, THE (1941)

24.RAGING BULL (1980)

25.E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL (1982)

26.DR. STRANGELOVE (1964)

27.BONNIE & CLYDE (1967)

28.APOCALYPSE NOW (1979)

29.MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON (1939)

30.TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE (1948)

31.ANNIE HALL (1977)

32.GODFATHER PART

33.HIGH NOON (1952)

34.TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD (1962)

35.IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT (1934)

36.MIDNIGHT COWBOY (1969)

37.BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES, THE (1946)

38.DOUBLE INDEMNITY (1944)

39.DOCTOR ZHIVAGO (1965)

40.NORTH BY NORTHWEST (1959)

41.WEST SIDE STORY (1961)

42.REAR WINDOW (1954)

43.KING KONG (1933)

44.BIRTH OF A NATION, THE (1915)

45.STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE, A (1951)

46.CLOCKWORK ORANGE, A (1971)

47.TAXI DRIVER (1976)

48.JAWS (1975)

49.SNOW WHITE & THE SEVEN DWARFS (1937)

50.BUTCH CASSIDY & THE SUNDANCE KID (1969)

51.PHILADELPHIA STORY, THE(1940)

52.FROM HERE TO ETERNITY (1953)

53.AMADEUS (1984)

54.ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT (1930)

55.SOUND OF MUSIC, THE (1965)

56.M*A*S*H(1970)

57.THIRD MAN, THE (1949)

58.FANTASIA (1940)

59.REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE (1955)

60.RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981)

61.VERTIGO (1958)

62.TOOTSIE (1982)

63.STAGECOACH (1939)

64.CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (1977)

65.SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, THE (1991)

66.NETWORK (1976)

67.MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE, THE (1962)

68.AMERICAN IN PARIS, AN (1951)

69.SHANE (1953)

70.FRENCH CONNECTION, THE (1971)

71.FORREST GUMP (1994)

72.BEN-HUR (1959)

73.WUTHERING HEIGHTS (1939)

74.GOLD RUSH, THE (1925)

75.DANCES WITH WOLVES (1990)

76.CITY LIGHTS (1931)

77.AMERICAN GRAFFITI (1973)

78.ROCKY (1976)

79.DEER HUNTER, THE (1978)

80.WILD BUNCH, THE (1969)

81.MODERN TIMES (1936)

82.GIANT (1956)

83.PLATOON (1986)

84.FARGO (1996)

85.DUCK SOUP (1933)

86.MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY (1935)

87.FRANKENSTEIN (1931)

88.EASY RIDER (1969)

89.PATTON (1970)

90.JAZZ SINGER, THE (1927)

91.MY FAIR LADY (1964)

92.PLACE IN THE SUN, A(1951)

93.APARTMENT, THE (1960)

94.GOODFELLAS (1990)

95.PULP FICTION (1994)

96.SEARCHERS, THE (1956)

97.BRINGING UP BABY (1938)

98.UNFORGIVEN (1992)

99.GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER (1967)

100. YANKEE DOODLE DANDY (1942)

* This list came out in 1998. 10 years later, AFI revamped the list. Here are the movies that weren't on the original list which I will be watching also, as close to their spot on the list as possible.

18. GENERAL, THE (1927)

49. INTOLERANCE (1916)

50. LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING, THE (2001)

59. NASHVILLE (1975)

63. CABARET (1972)

67. WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF? (1966)

71. SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (1998)

72. SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, THE (1994)

75. IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT (1967)

77 ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN (1976)

81 SPARTACUS (1960)

82. SUNRISE (1927)

83 TITANIC (1997)

85 NIGHT AT THE OPERA, A (1935)

87 12 ANGRY MEN (1957)

89. SIXTH SENSE, THE (1999)

90. SWING TIME (1936)

91. SOPHIE'S CHOICE (1982)

95 LAST PICTURE SHOW, THE (1971)

96 DO THE RIGHT THING (1989)

97. BLADE RUNNER (1982)

99 TOY STORY (1995)

I don't know how long it will take but I feel like this is a worthy task. Plus, it will be a great ice breaker when I need something to talk about with people in bars.

~ The Office Scribe

Quasimodo's Playlist

2010-02-27T18:38:00.000-08:00

I never go anywhere without my iPod. It's not even that I am a huge fan of music. I just like noise. I bring it to work. I use it in my car. I play games on it while I am in waiting rooms. I watch movies on the little screen when the power goes out.

Let's just say I really love my iPod.

Earlier today I was scrolling through my music library and I noticed that I have quite a few songs with the word bell in the title. I found this interesting, because who would have thought the word bell was so popular.

I'll tell you who. This guy.

Yeah, that is Quasimodo, the protagonist from the Victor Hugo novel The Hunchback of Notre Dame. The man did two things: rings bells and chat with gargoyles.

He would love my iPod.

So Ladies and Gentlemen, I present...

Quasimodo's Playlist

Track #1: I Hear The Bells - Mike Doughty

This song might be familiar to those of you who are fans of the short lived show Veronica Mars. Warning - if you download this song you may, like me, listen to it on repeat because you can't get enough of it.

Track #2: Tubular Bells - Michael Gordon Oldfield

Hmm, what is this little gem? Oh, that's right. It's the theme from The Exorcist. Nothing like rocking out to a song which recalls green bile and head spinning hilarity.

Track #3: For Whom The Bell Tolls - Metallica

The version I like is the one off the S&M album because it is the perfect mashup of metal and a symphony. I like to picture a young Mozart rocking out to this tune on the harpsicord.

Track #4: Carol of the Bells - Trans Siberian Orchestra

Come December 1, this becomes my ringtone, but that doesn't mean I don't listen to it the other 11 months of the year.

Track #5: Michelle (My Belle) - The Beatles

Okay, okay. I know the official title is just Michelle, but it seems that most people think the title includes the word bell so I added it. What's a playlist without The Beatles anyway?

Track #6: Saved By The Bell - ?

I don't know who wrote this TV theme song (if I was motivated I could find it on Wikipedia I am sure) but everyone in my generation knows every word to this song and will until the day we die.

Track #7: Belle - From Beauty and the Beast

We preformed this as a musical when I was in 5th grade. I tried out for the part of Lumiere and ended up being a bar wench. Did my music teacher know something about my future that I didn't? Perhaps.

Track #8: Ring My Bell - Anita Ward

Disco Demolition may have happened at Comisky back in the day but that didn't stop me from putting this song on my iPod.

Track #9: Jingle Bell Rock - Bobby Helms

It may have come out in 1957 but it is now associated with Mean Girls which is better than associating Lindsay Lohan with Mean Girls.

Track #10: Poison by Bell Biv Davoe

Bell might not be in this title either but it's in the band (?) name and that's reason enough to include it on this list. Well that and I remember choreographing ice skating routines on my lake to this jam when I was a kid. Come on, picture a nine year old white girl attempting to pull off some sort of crazy untrained jump while the lyrics

It's driving me out of my mind

That's why it's hard for me to find

Can't get her out of my head

Miss her, kiss her, Wrong move you're dead

blares from a Sony boombox on the shore. It was badass.

Is there a song that should be included on this list that I forgot? Let me know in comments and I promise to mock your choices.

~ The Office Scribe

Reason #274 Why I Should Be Dead: Close Contact With Killer Whales

2010-02-24T19:14:00.000-08:00

It's been all over the news (both the kind you watch and the kind Yahoo! makes you read before it lets you check your e-mail).

TRAINER KILLED BY KILLER WHALE

Holy crap! I thought. That is unbelievable. It turns out the in front of a giant audience at Sea World Orlando, a whale grabbed a female trainer off the side of the tank in its jaws and thrashed her around. It is unclear if she died from drowning or the thrashing. The article I read also pointed out the fact that this animal was involved in other human deaths.

WHAT?!?!?!

Okay, so why am I freaking out? I mean, I work in an office, not with Killer Whales (Though when I was a kid I did want to be a marine biologist.)

Because when I was like 7 my mom was on Wheel of Fortune. Yeah, it was as awesome as you think it would be. I believe she coined the term "Game Show-aholic". Any who, while we were out in California we did all kinds of awesome tourist things, which included a trip to Sea World San Diego.

Since I wanted to make sure we had seats in the Splash Zone I dragged my parents to the show area uber early. It was cool that I was such a punctual kid, because one of the trainers approached my family and said that a baby whale had been born recently and did my family of three want to meet the whale family of three.

Oh. Hell. Yes.

I don't imagine there is anything more exciting for a kid that being in front of a few thousand people. (Okay, maybe I was and still am some sort of attention whore...) I remember it like it was more recent than 21 years ago.

I got to throw handfuls of raw fish into the whales mouth. My dad got to pet the whale. And my mom, the woman who gave me life, got to do the coolest thing of all. She leaned over the tank and held her arms out in an "o" and the freaking whale came up and she HUGGED IT! Somewhere I have a picture of this momentous occasion.

An occasion which I now look back on and think "It would have been so easy for that whale to have grabbed my 7 year old ass and dragged me to the briny depths of that tank."

Ah, childhood memories. Thanks for sullying them Yahoo!

~ The Office Scribe

Damn Target! That's Kinky

2010-02-14T16:43:00.000-08:00

Okay, so it's Valentine's Day. I picked up on this because of the numerous KY commercials and the overabundance of red and pink candy that has shown up in my candy dish at the office.

But seeing as how I am single, and even if I wasn't not a fan of V-Day, I didn't have any plans. Well, I did. My mom, Gram and I headed out to enjoy some Chinese food because today is also Chinese New Year (Go Tigers!)

On my way back from lunch I decided to swing by Target to pick up some stuff I needed, in addition to some stuff I didn't need. (Come on, have you ever left a Target without picking up some extras?)

So I did my shopping, only picking up a few items which of course, I couldn't live without. I hit up Register #1 threw my items and had the following conversation:

Checker: Good evening and Happy Valentine's Day to you.

TOS: Thanks, same to you.

Checker: Is everything out of your basket? (Note: I didn't have a basket OR shopping cart.)

TOS: Um, yep.

Checker: Looks like your getting ready to celebrate Valentine's Day.

Now, this comment would have been appropriate had my shopping list consisted of condoms, boxed wine, a heart shaped box of chocolates, Iron Man Valentines, and some trashy underwear.

But I was purchasing the following:

- Thank You Notes with polka dots on them

- 3 inch mesh strainer

- Post It Notes

- Moonlight: The Complete Series on DVD

- Tinactin (Don't judge me)

What kind of kinky ass evening was the chick from Target thinking I was about to have?

Please, I would love all of your thoughts on this one.

~ The Office Scribe

Proof That Italians Are CRAZY

2010-02-09T21:56:00.000-08:00

I am a sucker for intriguing Yahoo! News headlines. So when I saw one today that said 'McDonalds meals parks outcry in Italy" I had to read it.

As it turns out, McDonald's hs created a new burger called the McItaly which has all the Italians who are anti Fast Food in an uproar. Now, I understand wanting to keep food locally grown and out of the hands of corporate mega chains, but as I read the article, I realized one thing.

Italians are crazy.

The McItaly, for those who don't know, is a burger made from native beef covered in provolone and artichoke spread.

Excuse me while I book a ticket to Italy...

Are you serious Italians? You are freaking out about what might possibly be the most delicious burger created by man since the Whiskey River BBQ Burger at Red Robin? Shame on you.

I would eat a roofing shingle if it had artichoke spread on it.

No wonder the Roman civilization failed.

~ The Office Scribe

The Best $170 Nap Ever!

2010-02-08T18:51:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my mom and I went to go see "August: Osage County" which is a Tony Award winning play written by someone from the Steppenwolf Theater. It did awesome here, went to Broadway, and kicked all forms of ass. Which is why I was super excited when it came back to town and we got tickets as part of our season ticket package.

Our seats are pretty good, as in row K on the main aisle good. So our tickets don't come cheap, but they are worth it.

Which I guess it why the two older ladies who obviously lived on the North Shore of Chicago bought tickets in the row in front of us.

They were chatty before the production began, talking to my mom and me about how they love the theater and how sweet it is that my mom and I do things like that together. They talked about how much they loved the playwright and how when the play was at the Steppenwolf they were crushed because they couldn't get tickets. Which, is why, when it came back to town, they bought the best tickets they could, at $170 a pop! (Over 2 times more than what I paid for my ticket.)

So the play starts, and about 10 minutes into the first act the brunette bitys head dips down in what is the obvious posture of someone who is napping. And it remains in that same position for the entire first act. I was afraid that when the house lights came up she wasn't going to move and I would see my first dead body in a theater. But she woke up when the lights came on.

Then the second act starts, and the blonde one slumps over in her chair. My mom nudges me and whispers, "I think she's asleep." Again, I was afraid she had died. (I know, I am kinda morbid.)

When the play finally ends, of which both women probably missed a good 75 minutes, they could not stop raving about how wonderful it was.

I know these ladies saw it as a status symbol to come and see this play in such good seats, but why not pay me the $170 a piece to see it, I'll write a report on it, and you can have my PlayBill and ticket stub if you need proof to show someone that you were there.

It's a perfect situation!

~ The Office Scribe

Sometimes You Just Can't Be Bothered

2010-01-31T18:02:00.000-08:00

A short story about how bloody lazy I was on Friday...

Sometimes I spend the weekend at my mom's place, which means I leave straight after work and head an hour and a half north.

Last Friday, I was 45 minutes into my drive and suddenly couldn't remember if I had turned my humidifier off. And the cheapass one I bought doesn't have an auto switch off. Which means, when it runs out of water the heating element stays out. This could possibly cause a fire.

So I turned around and went back home to check, right?

Nope. I kept driving with the belief that if my apartment started to burn the management company would call me.

Seriously, I checked my phone about a dozen times this weekend, sure I was going to have a message from them saying "We aren't sure how it started but the entire building is gone. And we think it originated in your unit."

Luckily, that call never came and when I came home today I did, in fact, turn the thing off.

My god I need to sort out my priorities.

~ The Office Scribe

Slots That Need Filling

2010-01-25T20:07:00.000-08:00

For Christmas my mom bought me one of these:

Problem was, my knife block was already full.

So for my birthday (which is in like a week or so) she bought me this:

The problem is, now I have about 8 empty slots.

Oh whatever will I find to fill my slot?

Come on people, this is ripe for comments.

~ The Office Scribe

Not The Smoothest Line I've Heard...

2010-01-17T15:12:00.000-08:00

Last night my friend Stubbs and I went to go see "Up In The Air" and then grab a bite to eat. I intended to spend today writing a clever review about the movie, which was also clever, but instead decided that what happened after the movie would make for a far more interesting blog post.

The movie ended around 8:30 so my friend and I headed over to a new brewery/restaurant which had just opened. The place was jammed with people (it being new and a Saturday night) so we put our names down for a table and headed to grab a beer in the bar. One of the greatest things about micro breweries is that they make their own beer in small batches which are phenomenal compared to macro brewed beers. I looked at the list and settled on an IBA, which is a hybrid between an American Brown Ale and an India Pale Ale. It was quite tasty.

While we were chatting and sipping on the tasty brews, a guy approached us. The first thing I noticed was the rockin' neck tribal neck tattoo which curled oh-so gracefully up and around his ear. The second thing I noticed was that he was walking with a swagger one only gets after imbibing in a few too many beers.

Mr. Sophisticated, in his leather motocross jacket, was trying his best to engage us in conversation, but failed miserably on so many levels I'm sure he would have needed an elevator to make it back to his starting position.

FAIL #1
- Aside from the neck tattoo and the hideous jacket, his ensemble was completed by a scruffy goatee and a t-shirt which may or may not have been the popular (if only for mocking) Mountain Three Wolf Moon one which I can say he was not rockin' in an ironic, hipster way. (BTW - If you have some time on your hands, sit back and read some of the reviews for this shirt. They are spectacular.)

FAIL #2
- He came up and asked us for a light. Okay, now I have had guys use, this as a line on me before, but it is usually while standing outside, possibly with people who are smoking. Not generally while inside a bar. And by the way that line is much better when delivered by a girl to a guy. There is nothing chivalrous about a chick having to dig into her purse to find a light for you.

FAIL #3
- Repetition. This guy must have said "This is the first time I have been to this bar" or another variation on that statement about 12 times within the first 10 minutes of talking to him. If you say something to a girl once and she doesn't comment back, you can repeat it, just in case she didn't hear you. Shouting it at her constantly = not cool.

FAIL #4
- He kept telling us he was trouble. Guys who are really bad boys don't feel the need to go around and tell everyone. And when we asked him why, his answer was "because I am." Gentlemen - Because is never an answer, or at least one which will keep the ladies interested.

FAIL #5
- We are at a microbrewery and he was drinking Miller Lite. (((shudder))))

FAIL #6
- Have I mentioned that he did some time in the big house? Oh, yeah, cause he did. He felt the need to tell 2 strange females about how he hasn't been out lately because he was in jail for 13 years. Why? Oh, believe me, I asked. Turns out, he went all "badass on a cop". Guess what. I like cops. (And firemen - yum) So I was not super impressed that he was put in the slammer because he is a douche bag.

So, I did what any girl in my situation would do. I started to convince him I may or may not be a serial killer. That's right ladies, you want a douchey -drunk- hillbilly to leave you alone. Tell him you like to tie people up, then cut them into pieces and dispose of the evidence in a swamp.

Or you could just pray that you table pager goes off and you can escape from the insanity.

The choice is yours.

~ The Office Scribe

Evidence That I Need To Go Grocery Shopping

2010-01-10T18:11:00.000-08:00

Did you ever see the movie Fight Club? Well, if not, you were someone not breathing in the late 90s but I digress. Anyhow, there is a part in the movie where Edward Norton's characters apartment blows up and he comments on the sad condition of the contents of his fridge.

Narrator: A house full of condiments and no food... how embarrassing.

This is the quote that popped into my head today as I cleaned out my fridge. I decided to do so because I noticed this morning when I went to make breakfast that the eggs had expired in November and the heavy cream I was going to put in my coffee had become a solid.

Here is a walk through what is currently in the fridge, after I cleaned it out.

Veggies & Fruit:

You'll first notice that there are no vegetable or fruit in the designated drawers. This isn't because I don't like fruits and veggies. It's just that those are the first things that rot when you don't use them in a few days. So to save food and money, I usually only keep frozen veggies in my place. And I do have some oranges in a basket on my counter. I have been eating about 3 a day so they won't go bad. This means I have so much Vitamin C pumping through my system there is no way in hell I will ever get swine Flu.

Beverages:

I have a friend that says you can tell if a fridge is owned by a female in their 20s because it only has beverages in it. Normally, this is true. But when I cleaned out the fridge I found some Jager, a bottle of Reisling, and these three cans of beer which I can only assume (i.e. pray to god) were left over from some party I had where were ran out of good beer and switched to (gag) Busch Light.

BBQ Sauce:

I bought this GIANT bottle of BBQ sauce sometime last summer and it's a good thing that BBQ sauce has an expiration date similar to the half life of Plutonium, because this thing is going to last me for years. But it was so cheap!

Butter:

I have a LOT of butter in my fridge. And nothing to put butter on. You know how sometimes people with OCD always have to buy something. I think in my case it is butter. It's like I see it on sale and think "This is a fabulous price! I can't not buy butter!" Call Dr. Drew because I might need an intervention.

Condiments:

Yeah, in this photo you can see, in addition to my butter cache and the aforementioned random alcohol, a lot of condiments, which are generally applied to food, which I don't have. It's like an I Spy came. Can you find the following:

- 2 jars of Mayo with Olive Oil

- Hoisin Sauce

- Real Maple Syrup (which I only use in a heart attack recipe called Baconey Goodness)

- Franks Hot Sauce

- International Delights Coffee Creamers

- Minced Garlic

- Mango Chutney

So as soon as I am finished writing this I am making out a grocery list so they don't find my corpse after I choke on a concoction made from parmesan cheese and Red Bull.

~ The Office Scribe

I Don't Think I'm An Avatard

2010-01-09T13:46:00.000-08:00

The movie with the biggest buzz of the year and I didn't really want to see it. Odd? Yes, considering I am a glutton for anything cinematic. I saw the trailers and watched the HBO making of the movie special. And while I was extremely impressed with the way in which the movie was filmed, it still didn't make me want to see it.

But then Chris, my friend I have known since high school and who I love to go to movies with, asked if I wanted to go see it this past week. So I succumbed and agreed to see the movie. We decided to go big or go home and went to see it on the IMAX in 3D. (Luckily I live like 5 minutes from a theater which shows it in this format.) And while the tickets were $15 (yowza!) Chris paid for mine as part of my birthday present from last year.

So here are my thoughts on Avatar, in no particular order:

- The 3D glasses they made us wear not only made us look like Harey Carey after a bender but made my eyes hurt so much the next day I don't think I will ever watch a movie in 3D again. Thanks Avatar for ruining The Amityville Horror 3 for me.

- The visuals in the movie were breathtaking, even if they forest floor of the planet Pandora was made from the same material as a disco floor.

- I understand that some of the scenes were dramatic but just as I was about to get into the story I realized that the drama was being played out by 11 foot blue people and I dissolved into giggles.

- Sigourney Weaver, who is an amazing actress, was the best part of the movie by far. Except when she was a blue person dressed like someone from the Stanford Ultimate Frisbee Team.

- Sam Worthington is hot but his legs were wicked skinny. I really REALLY hope that they were digitally wilted because otherwise that guy has some chicken legs.

- I get the connection with Aliens, but did we really need to see the walking robot suits again? Made me think Mr Cameron was running out of ideas.

- I was a little uncomfortable with all the blue nudity. Why is it that humans seem to be the only species in the universe to have invented chinos?

- Trying to read subtitles for a made-up language while wearing 3D glasses is not easy.

- That was one big ass tree.

- I had a brief panic attack at the end of the movie when the credits began to roll because I thought Celine Dion was singing and I started to have a horrible Titanic flashback.

So, in conclusion, it was a pretty movie but with a basic, predictable plot which won't do well on video since the format to see it in is big screen. I tell people to not see it in 3D since it isn't that 3D-ish.

Or you could scrap it all together and just watch old episodes of The Smurfs because they at least had a sweet villain.

I give it 5 out of 10 paperclips.

~ The Office Scribe

I Mean, Aside From The Costume...

2010-01-04T19:12:00.000-08:00

While at my mom's house this weekend I re-watched the entire series of Aeon Flux (calm down people, there were only 10 episodes...). And then I watched the 2005 movie.

I came to the conclusion that there was one glaring difference between the TV show and the movie.

A plot.

See, the TV show didn't really have a plot, aside from Aeon being a badass and Trevor wanting her badass. The movie had a beginning, middle, and an end.

But still, I liked the TV show better. Perhaps it's because I loved watching it on MTV while I babysat (I didn't have cable). Or because it was so different from anything else on TV. Chances are it was more like because I liked not exactly knowing what was going on. And because I wanted to be Aeon when I grew up (still working on that....)

So MTV - Stop showing us countless reruns of "The Hills" or "The City" or whatever other douche bag and dumbass filled show you are putting on instead of music videos or something even remotely entertaining.

Because I think Jay and Silent Bob said it best.

Good thoughts boys.

~ The Office Scribe

Beware The Sangria Monster - A New Year's Tale

2010-01-01T13:19:00.000-08:00

According to Twitter last night was New Year's Eve, which explains why I found myself in downtown Chicago with an overnight bag and bottles of liquor. My friend decided to have a party at her condo because at our advanced age (I'll be 28 in February) the idea of hanging out in a crowded bar and paying $8 for a beer just doesn't seem to have the appeal it used to.

Everyone who came to the party had to wear pajamas, which is possibly the best theme for a party I have ever been too. No tight clothing. No high heals. No overdone makeup. Just cute flannel PJ's and fuzzy slippers.

My friend was all ambitious and everything and decided to make Sangria from scratch. She even had it in a cool glass jar so you could see the fruit floating like little jewels in the red wine. Some of the first people who drank it said it seemed a little strong. Others of us didn't think so - which says all kinds of things about our alcohol tolerance. Anyway, we quickly drained the jar and decided to make a second batch. I had switched to Coronas at this point but you would have thought this Sangria was the cure to all of lifes problems. People were so into this drink that when the second batch was gone they just began eating the alcohol ladden fruit.

I can't imagine how the Sangria people feel this morning, because one of the worst headaches you can have is from over consumption of wine. (Personally, I feel fine this morning except for the ache where I think I pulled a muscle while dancing and a sore throat from singing "Love Song" like Louis Armstrong.)

But I think the worst damage that the Sangria monster did last night was the the kitchen countertops. There was sticky red marks all over my friends white counters, which would not come off even with the most vigorous of scrubbing. She will need to pour about half a bottle of bleach on those stains so people who come over don't think she slaughters her own poultry.

All in all it was a fun New Year's Eve but now I need a shower, a nap, and a venti quad nonfat latte from Starbucks before I can be my usual charming self.

~ The Office Scribe

An Open Letter To The Guy Who Tasered A Butcher in Joliet

2009-12-28T21:18:00.000-08:00

*Note: This post is inspired by stuff you would find over at The Open Letters Blog and a report I heard on the radio.

Background: According to a Chicago Sun Times article a young man got pissed off when he was thrown out of a grocery store in Joilet, Illinois so he came back with a Taser and jolted the stores butcher.

Dear Guy who Tasered The Butcher in Joliet,

You have to be the dumbest person in Joliet, and for anyone who knows anything about Joliet, that is saying a lot.

I'll ignore the fact the you got thrown out of a grocery store, a feat unto itself. I'll even ignore the fact that you felt so mad you came back armed. But when you returned, you attacked THE ONE PERSON IN THE STORE WITH THE POWER TO MESS YOU UP. As a former butcher, I know that within a three foot radius I could have grabbed about a dozen items I could have used to inflict severe bodily harm on you. Knifes, sharpening steels, saws, frozen legs of lamb, the list goes on and on. I'll assume you caught the butcher off guard otherwise I think you your new prison nickname would be "Left Nut" or "Stumpy".

Should you be dumb enough to find yourself in this circumstance again I would suggest you attack someone at the Deli counter. A pint of macaroni salad doesn't hurt as much as a meat cleaver to the sternum.

Love,
The Office Scribe
Former Meat Cleaving Badass Turned Cubicle Monkey

Harold And Kumar Go To St. Louis

2009-10-02T18:52:00.000-07:00

I am at that age (mid-late twenties) where it seems like everyone I know is getting married. This summer I was invited to no less that 5 weddings. So aside from being broke I am also not wearing heels again until next spring.

The last wedding I went to was in St. Louis last weekend. A good high school friend of mine was getting hitched so my friends and I all road tripped down there to witness the nuptials. (Well, the ceremony - not the wedding night. That would be both kinky and gross.) For me it was the first time I have traveled outside Chicago for a wedding. And boy was it an experience.

I learned a lot of things while down in St. Louis, like the cops are so nice while giving you a ticket you can't badmouth them afterwards. Or that going up in the Arch doesn't trigger my vertigo but standing at the top of a 30 foot slide at the City Museum does. Or, and this is the most important thing, no one in the suburbs of St. Louis eats after 8:00 PM.

I am not even kidding on that last life lesson learned. So there were four of us who went down early and played tourist. We spent the day hanging out and ended our night at a bar across from our hotel. After one round we asked our waiter where we might find some food. He snarkily said "Our kitchen is closed." That's nice, but we wanted to eat anywhere. "Sorry, there may be a sports bar open or something, I'm not sure. It's late."

It was 10:30PM on a Friday night.

If I had been in the suburb I live in outside Chicago I know where to get a burger at 10:30PM, a sub a 12:00AM and a burrito until 3AM. But in St. Louis apparently there is no place to get even a lukewarm cup of coffee. So we did what any logical city dweller on vacation would do and went out in search of food. Luckily, we found a Hardees which was open until midnight. Mind you, not a huge fan of Hardees but when you are so hungry you would eat a shrub, Hardees is pretty damn good.

The next day, Saturday, was the actual wedding. It was lovely. And possibly one of the best meals I have ever eaten at a wedding. And lots and lots of quality liquor. But between the dancing and the dehydration when we got back to the hotel once again, we were starving. So me, two bridesmaids, and a friend decided to go on the hunt for the most elusive of late night food; White Castle.

Armed with an iPhone we managed to find one which was only "an inch away" (That's iPhone speak for about 20 minutes". Normally we would have no hesitation heading that far for some sliders, but this was St. Louis. We feared that perhaps, it might be closed like everything else in the freaking city. But as we crested the last hill and saw the illuminated sign shining like a beacon in the night, we nearly wept with job.

$40 bucks later we headed back to the hotel with a Crave Case and sacks of fries in hand. I have never been so happy or full in my life.

So while my story, like the plot of a buddy comedy, had a happy ending, treat this blog entry as a warning should you ever find yourself in St. Louis and hungry as hell. Finding food without the aid of modern technology is damn near impossible.

~ The Office Scribe

P.S. - This also applies should you find yourself in Port Angeles, Washington, where the only thing open past 8:00PM is a Pizza Hut/Taco Bell.

Who Doesn't Appreciate A Nice Gift Basket?

2009-08-26T17:11:00.000-07:00

Catherine Martin, that's who.

Now you may be asking yourself, "Who is Catherine Martin? That name sounds familiar."

That's because most people know Catherine Martin as Senator Ruth Martin's daughter a.k.a. the girl who complained about the spa she was at from "Silence of the Lambs".

The ungrateful politician's daughter was a whiny brat while all Buffalo Bill wanted to do was provide her with a lovely gift basket, probably from the Bath and Body Works. I bet it smelled like Sun Ripened Raspberry.

And then he offered her some hydrotherapy, which isn't cheap and is also very relaxing.

This topic actually came up at trivia last night when a question was asked about Clarice Starling. Naturally anytime the movie is brought up people bring up the scene where Buffalo Bill is just getting in touch with his femanine side. During the conversation I did learn about a wonderful little song and video on YouTube which I think explains Buffalo Bill better than anything I could write.

Enjoy!

~ The Office Scribe

Okay, maybe I just so desperately need a vacation that a trip down the well at BB's sounds like a good time... (shrug)

Fun Ways To Get Swine Flu

2009-08-23T19:57:00.001-07:00

I am sick of people telling me how to not get Swine Flu. I get it. If I want to stay healthy I should wash my hands. Fine. I do that anyway. And I hope to god everyone else does too, but I know that isn't the case. Which weirds me out. It's like people who try on underwear. Ewwww.

But the question I have is: What if I want to get Swine Flu? What if I want to ensure that I come down with a raging case that leaves me weak, sickly, and 20 pounds lighter? What if it might be the only way short of a mental breakdown that I can guarantee myself some downtime away from work and other commitments?

So I compiled a list of FUN ways that you and I can get Swine Flu. And if you think of anything else I would love to read about it in the comments.

DOOR HANDLES

A lot of time people wonder what strange and exotic foods taste like. But I wonder, have you ever thought what a door handle might taste like? Perhaps it is time to find out.

CRAIGSLIST

You can pretty much find anything you want on Craigslist. I am sure if you posted an ad looking from someone to come over and spread the germs you could find one. Plus you could possibly gain a new friend and the insight as to what the bottom of a well looks like.

FREE DRINKS

You know how people leave drinks when they go to the bathroom (unless you can shove a beer bottle in your cleavage like I do)? Well, instead of slipping a ruffie into it like you usually would take a big sip and enjoy that martini and whatever germs were back washed into it.

GUTTER SUNDAE

When I was at Girl Scout Camp we used to make Gutter Sundaes which is done by taking a section of gutter (preferably new) and loading it full of ice cream and toppings, then unleashing everyone on it with spoons. The camp stopped doing it my third year there because people were afraid of the germs you might pick up. I saw we bring this fine tradition back for just that reason.

REENACT A SCENE FROM YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE

There you are. You have just stolen a bunch of dinosaur embryos from a secluded lab on an island off the coast of Costa Rica. It's raining. You lose control of your car and slide down a hill. In the middle of the downpour, as you are trying to fix your car, you meet a breed of dinosaur face to face. When you treat it like a dog it ramps up and spits a giant loogie in your face. Instead of becoming paralyzed have an infected person spit in your face and voila! You have Swine Flu!

VAMPIRES

They are trendy. Whether it be while sparkling in the north woods and driving preteen girls into a fury over a guy who needs to shower. Or on HBO where they actually act like vampires, bite people, have sex, and are much, much hotter than anything found in Seattle. Or in the numerous scripts that Hollywood is green lighting to cash in on the popularity of the two aforementioned franchises. So I suggest you go out and bite someone. And when they throw you in county lockup you can catch swine flu from a guy named Bubba who has no teeth and facial burns from when his meth lab blew up.

Any of these options create a unique and exciting opportunity to give yourself that much needed break.

~ The Office Scribe

* The Office Scribe in no way condones people going out and getting horribly ill because my luck it will be my co-workers who read this and get sick while I remain healthy as a horse, stuck in my cubicle, doing my work and all of theirs...

"Spring Awakening" Put Me Into A Summer Coma

2009-08-10T20:32:00.000-07:00

Normally I try to keep anything culturally significant out of this blog. I mean, it really isn't a place to debate Mozart vs. Chopin. But for those of you who don't know I am actually a rather cultured person. I am a member of several museums, I have stared for hours at my favorite sculpture in the Villa Borghese, and I have season tickets to Broadway in Chicago.

Okay, so my mom has season tickets but she takes me more than anyone else.

Yesterday we drove downtown to see the production of "Spring Awakening" that is in town. Now I knew nothing of this musical before I went to see it, which doesn't happen too often. My mom read something about how it is based on a story from the 16th century. It had music done by someone I have heard of and it was nominated and possibly won some Tony's, so how bad could it be?

As the elderly ladies who sit in front of us said at intermission "Well this was a waste of money". (They and a bunch of people left at intermission)

The only reason I can think that it got such rave revues was the simulated sex acts and the fact that I saw an actresses boob. As my mom said, "This is like watching Hair meets Dead Poets Society". And while both of those are great productions they combination of the two left me bored.

The only thing that kept me alert was the promise of Garetts Chicago Mix after the show.

~ The Office Scribe

A Warning To Future Lottery Winners

2009-08-02T16:29:00.000-07:00

You know how we all play that game "if I won the lottery what would I buy?".

It's a fun way to pass the time as we work at our jobs as we imagine ourselves dripping in dimonds or cooling off in our infinity edge pool in Malibu.

But I think a lot of people imagine themselves hitting the waters in their brand new boat. Feeling the breeze in your hair as you zip around in a speed boat or enjoying the scenery as you cruise along in a pontoon or catching that prize winning fish in a bass boat.

But let me tell you, as someone who owns a boat (not from lottery winnings): Boats will be the death of you.

Imgaine if you will this scenario: You just got to the boat after a LONG week and all you want to do is relax. You brought a cooler full of sandwiches and Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade. The CD player is full of Jimmy Buffet ready to sing about volcanoes and margaritas.

And the damn boat won't start. You try everything, adding more gas, jump;ing the battery cursing so loud the 4 year old next door was forced to add some new words to their volcabulary, but nothing worked. Now you are more worked up than you were before you tried to start the boat. And of course, the marina is closed so there is no one to help you.

Welcome to what I like to call Sunday's at my lake house.

And people wonder why I bought a canoe at age 14. Reason: The only way they won't start is if a sasquatch ripped off your arms and left you unable to use a paddle.

~ The Office Scribe

A Unique Psychic Ability

2009-07-13T19:59:00.000-07:00

It was 2:30 AM on Sunday morning and the craving for some Chicken McNuggets hit my friends and I as we were leaving a bar in Chicago. It was a lovely night out, fellow drunks out in droves, like us, in search of late night nibbles.

So over the the Rock-in-Roll McDonalds we headed and each ordered a #10. Instead of walking and eating we thought we would take a load off and consume our tasty food while it was still hot.

About 4 nuggets in my friend Kate notices a highly inebriated young man who can barely hold his head up. His friends are trying to keep him upright and feed him some food in what I can only assume is some sort of attempt at sobering him up.

So Kate says, "That guy is going to puke."

No sooner had the words left her mouth than the guy heaved and decorated the tile floor of the Mickey D's with stomach acid, beer, and what appeared to be Goldfish crackers.

His friends wisely dragged him off to the bathroom while the employees of the McDonald's were left to clean it up. (Which they did rather quickly and without complaint.)

Now only if Kate could harness that predicting power into winning us some money in the lottery instead of just knowing when drunks were going to puke we could rule the world.

~ The Office Scribe

Oh, and yes, we did stay at the table about 10 feet away and finish our food. What? We were hungry!

Possible Reasons My Neighbors Are Running Their AC On A Cool Day

2009-07-09T19:10:00.000-07:00

The weather in Chicago has been kinda loopy lately. One week it will be hot and humid and the next week everyone is wearing a jacket and carrying umbrellas. For the past week or so it has been a nice cool 65-75 degree, though it is supposed to warm up this weekend.

But what confuses me is why the people who live in the condo above me are running their AC unit. It has been running steady for I would say about the past two months. When they turned it on I was still covering my plants at night afraid they might die from frost. This is something that has been bothering me; wondering why they are running their AC so much. Personally I went all last summer without turning it on once and I plan to do so this summer (The house I grew up in didn't have it so I am not used to it.)

So I did the only logical thing I could do - came up with a list of possible reasons as to why they are running their AC when it isn't hot outside.

THEY ARE FROM THE ARCTIC CIRCLE

- There they were, a happy couple all snug in their igloo until Chptah got a transfer to the Chicago suburbs where they can't deal with the heat. So the only relief he can find is in the comfort of the magical cold box which reminds him so much of home.

SOMEONE ELSE PAYS THEIR COM-ED BILL

- Seriously, I don't even want to know how much higher their electric bill might be than mine. Aside from not liking AC one of the reasons I don't turn it on is because I don't want to spend the money to run it. If this thing has been running 24-7 for 60 days I can only assume they have found themselves some sort of Utility Sugar Daddy. Personally I would have mine pay for cable, but to each his own.

THEY SUFFER FROM COLIC

- Even though they are grown ups they still need the hum of a piece of machinery to sooth them to sleep. And since the washer and dryer are harder to curl up on, the AC unit was the next logical choice.

THEY SELL EXOTIC MEATS

- Much like the movie "The Freshman", sometimes people want to eat Siberian Tiger or Komodo Dragon. And since neither of those will fit into a Frigidaire then the only way to keep all that pricey, illegal meat fresh is to drop the temp of your apartment down to freezing.

DEAD BODIES

- Honestly, this was the first place my mind went because, well, that is how my mind works. I am sure, like the dragon meat, they need to keep the place cool so no one smells the rotting corpses. Now, I am not saying they killed anyone, hell, it might be some way to scam insurance or social security, but I am like 89% there is a non-breathing body up there.

What do you think?

~ The Office Scribe

A True "Dear John" Letter

2009-06-23T20:52:00.000-07:00

Dear John(ny),

Ever since you were sucked into a bed in "A Nightmare on Elm Street" I have been enamored with you. Sure, I was only 2 at the time but when I saw it later, on late night TV with all the truly bloody parts removed for sensitive viewers I still remember being drawn to you. Perhaps it was the way you played a cassette tape of airport noises so your mom would thing you were staying at your cousins. Or the half football jersey you wore the last time you went to sleep. For whatever reason, I was hooked.

Then came "21 Jump Street" which I will admit I didn't see much of but remember thinking "Hey, that was the guy from that Freddy Kruger movie so I would catch a glimpse of it here and there. But again, I was 8 at this time and my parents didn't think it was proper television programming such an impressionable youth.

While you were always in the back of my mind it wasn't until the masterpiece that was "Edward Scissorhands" that you cemented yourself as one of my favorite people in the world. My mother took me to see the movie because she was a big Vincent Price fan, a man I only knew from the doing the voice over in "Thriller". So we went and I saw the magic which occurred when you and your hetero life mate Tim Burton got together and put pictures on film. It was magic.

Every time I saw that you would be in a movie I grew excited. "What's Eating Gilbert Grape", "Ed Wood" and "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" all claimed hours of my life as I watched them. The characters you played I am sure were interesting on the page of the script but when you got a hold of them you made them your own.

One of my personal favorites, "From Hell", I have watched more times that I care to admit. You, the darkly intriguing detective with a penchant for ladies in distress and opium dens on the hunt for one of the most notorious serial killers of all time? Awesome.

But I think your most critically acclaimed role came when you took the chance on staring in a movie based, not on a cartoon or comic book or real person, but on a ride. I could go on and on about the power that is Captain Jack Sparrow, but writers far wittier than I have done so for years and I will leave it to that.

And you are so multi-talented! You lent your voice to the show "King of the Hill" and sang your way through "Sweeny Todd". You played the guitar in "Chocolat" and helped shoot Hunter S. Thompson's ashes from a cannon. Is there nothing you can do?

Most recently you were in my hometown of Chicago filming "Public Enemies" playing the seductive Robin Hood like character of John Dillinger. Yes, I had thoughts of tracking you down in the city and trying to convince you that I would be an ideal personal assistant but I restrained myself for fear of upsetting you and possibly obtaining a criminal record.

The only time I thought you may have potentially wavered was with "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" where once again, you teamed up with Tim Burton. While you were a different type of Willy Wonka you didn't quite catch the power that was Gene Wilder.

But you made up for it with two more turns as Captain Jack Sparrow.

So I had believed you were perfect in every way...

That is, until I went to Yahoo! Main page and saw this:

What. The. Hell?

Okay, I understand this is "Alice in Wonderland" as done by Tim Burton, but this image may haunt my dreams tonight, and not in the same way as your image used to. It is scary and disturbing and down right wrong. I don't think this look so much says "mad" as "I'm sorry I ate your cocker spaniel."

Mr. Depp you didn't quite fall of the pedestal but there was a definite wobble.

~ The Office Scribe

(I grabbed this photo from E! Online which I love so don't come and try and sue me because all you would get would be a chewed on pencil and some garden veggie tortillas. Plus I love E! I once sat next to Richard Simmons in the grand stands at the Golden Globes while he was doing cover for the channel and he was kind enough to talk to my aunt on my phone. Thanks E!)

Who Knew Chewbacca Lived In A Condo?

2009-06-15T22:30:00.000-07:00

Now let me just say, I am a sports fan. I love the Chicago White Sox. During the fall I wear blue and orange to support the bears. And every 2-4 years I am glued to the TV watching "athletes" compete in such feats as curling, the luge, and synchronized swimming.

But when I hear people get so pumped up about sports that it borders on bothersome, something needs to be done.

I am (--this--) close to climbing up the balconies of the condo building next to mine spider monkey style and cutting the cable to the apartment that belongs to the Wookie.

Why do I call him the Wookie?

Because almost everyday he is watching what I can only assume to be a Cubs game (I channel surf to see what it might be) and bellowing like a walrus in heat. I have been swept up in the passion of a good baseball game from time to time where I have been known to hoot and holler a bit, but good lord man! I am sitting quietly in my apartment, glued to my new TV, and there is a silence shattering noise which cuts through the night - a loud, deep noise that sounds like a chupa cabra in mourning.

So now I have neighbors who have loud nookie and a wookie.

What's next?

No, seriously, what do you think is next? I want to be prepared...

~ The Office Scribe

* Okay, I grabbed this picture off a random Google Image Search because it was Chewy at a baseball game and I found it fitting. But then I had to giggle because it looks like the Han wanna-be laid an egg and Chewy is throwing those, possibly at the Death Star.

Oh, So I Guess I Am More Racist Than The Jets...

2009-06-08T21:30:00.000-07:00

Last night my mom and I were doing what millions of theater lovers (read into that what you will) were doing by watching the Tony Awards. We have season tickets to Broadway in Chicago so we are actually a little informed when it comes to plays and musicals.

Or so I thought.

After a performance from "West Side Story" I voiced my disappointment that they chose to perform that scene at the dance where Tony and Maria first meet each other that goes on for way too long instead of my favorite song which is "When You're A Jet". So my mom and I, much to the chagrin of the dogs who were trying to sleep, start belting out a few bars.

Here are the lyrics as they are known from the musical:

The Jets are in gear,
Our cylinders are clickin'!
The Sharks'll steer clear
'Cause ev'ry Puerto Rican's a lousy chicken!

Here are the lyrics as I sang them:

The Jets are in gear,
Our cylinders are clickin'!
The Sharks'll steer clear
'Cause ev'ry Puerto Rican's a lousy 'Spic!

To which my mom questioned, "What did you say?"

So I repeated what I thought the words were. She shook her head. So I defended what I thought the words were, by saying that the Jets didn't think much of the Sharks and probably used racial epithets around them.

That seemed to settle the argument, until my mom called me at work today to inform me that not only was I wrong in my choice of lyrics but I possibly might be prejudice against people of Puerto Rican descent.

But it's all good, because to quote another line from another musical (properly this time I might add):

Everyone's a little bit racist, sometimes...

~ The Office Scribe

No, I am not actually racist. Turns out I just sometime play the game of Telephone by myself. Sometime I'll tell you what I thought the lyrics to "Flagpole Sitter" by Harvey Danger were...

Why My Liver Hates "Twilight"

2009-05-31T19:52:00.000-07:00

Did you happen to catch the MTV Movie Awards this evening? (Which are still going on because awards shows go one for WWWAAAAYYYY too long...)

I did. And before you go all judgemental on me for watching them know that I do so because of the previews for the movies that are coming out. But the one movie I was not looking forward to the preview of "New Moon".

(Note: I tried to find a poster for this movie but all I could find were crappy ones made by fans with lackluster PhotoShop skills.)

In case you have been living under a rock or perhaps attending a Mensa meeting for the past year or so, "New Moon" is the sequel to "Twilight"; that movie about disco ball vampires in the Pacific Northwest. Well it is much anticipated and a lot of people were tuning into tonight show in order to see the clip from the new movie.

So I knew there would be some chatter about the movie but dammit, I didn't expect the title of the movie to be mentioned every three seconds. It was like a two-hour commercial for "Twilight". If I had been playing the MTV Movie Awards "Twilight" Drinking Game I would be dead from alcohol poisoning right now.

Which might be better than having to put up with through the hype for the movies for books three and four...

~The Office Scribe

Okay, Who Was It???

2009-05-26T17:48:00.001-07:00

WARNING: THIS IS THE SAME POST THAT IS OVER AT ASLEEP UNDER MY DESK SO IF IT SOUNDS FAMILIAR THAT IS WHY...

So today I get an e-mail from someone telling me they saw my blog mentioned in an article on USA Today.

Curious, I asked what article he was looking at.

He came back and told me it had something to do with "Jon and Kate Plus 8" being faked and talking about Kate's sisters blog and I guess the author of the article mentioned my blog because they are one of my readers.

So the question is: Which one of you fools is writing about me in USA Today and not letting me know? I love seeing my name in print (I'll blog about the MSNBC post* soon).

Just let me know in the comments or drop me a line at TheOfficeScribe@yahoo.com because I spent an hour trying to track down this article with no luck. So seeing as how Google failed me I need your help.

And to anyone else that wants to write about me, that is cool, just let me know. I like to print things off for my mom to hang on her fridge.

~The Office Scribe

* Oh yeah, I was interviewed by MSNBC.com. I didn't mention that? Hmm. Imagine that...

911 or Penthouse Letters?

2009-05-19T20:00:00.000-07:00

So here I am, just chilling out at my desk, doing some much needed writing when I start to hear what can only be described as a string of impassioned "No! No! No!"'s coming from another condo.

Of course, then the dark side of me thinks perhaps they were being stabbed to death. (I know, this is what I get for watching 3 seasons of "Bones" in a few weeks."

So the questions is: Do I call 911 or write a letter to Penthouse?

As of right now the noise stopped, but I bet it went on for a good 2-3 minutes. And just when I would think "Something sounds wrong" the tone would change and I know my pasty Irish ass was blushing.

The main reason I am not that concerned is that several other neighbors were walking into the building and unless they were members of the deaf family on the 4th floor they had to have heard it and didn't seem that concerned. So I guess I will un-mute my TV and just go back to writing.

~The Office Scribe

There Is No Dana Only Zool... In My Fridge

2009-05-15T21:38:00.000-07:00

Okay, sometimes I hear noises coming from my fridge. And not like the sound of the compressor turning on, but like of things falling over or moving. Sure, I could assume that it is just a random bag of asparagus falling over, but one day I am convinced that I am going to open my fridge and see something like this:

And will I panic?

No, I will just be stoked that a childhood fantasy has come true!

~The Office Scribe

Bonus points if eggs start jumping out of the carton and cooking themselves on my counter like I live in a Benihana!!!

National Nerd Day: May the 4th Be With You

2009-05-04T17:39:00.000-07:00

In honor of Star Wars Day I thought I would share some fun Star Wars facts about yours truly.

1) Sometime during my freshman year in high school I developed a love for Darth Vader. Why? Because every girl wants someone tall, dark, and voiced by the same guy who says "This is CNN"

2) One of the best birthday presents I ever received was a full size Darth Vader standup. Here is a picture of him in my shower at my last party.

3) Another great birthday present - An autographed poster of Darth Maul signed by Ray Park my friend got me from a ComicCon. Well, I guess it wasn't a birthday present because my friend gave it to me in July and my birthday is in February. But when I asked him why it said "Happy Birthday, Love Ray Park" he told me he panicked when Mr. Park asked him what to write.

4) The year Episode I came out, the one with Darth Maul, I went to Toys R' Us and bought myself a double-sided Light Saber. And I carried it around everyday in school until the movie came out. And the strange thing is, I wasn't really a nerd in high school. I was just really, really weird.

5) My car license plate has a reference to Darth Vader on it. Because nothing says "Welcome to the Dark Side" like a salsa-red Dodge Neon.

6) I own the Star Wars Christmas album.

7) I do a really good impression of a Wookie. Ask my mom.

8) According to some website I just Googled, my Star Wars name is Amanma Kohin, Norcho of Bor

9) The only beach towels I own have Star Wars characters on them.

10) My mom bought me a Darth Vader mask that changed my voice for Christmas one year. I was 18 when she got it for me.

So yeah, I am not so much a Star Wars fan as much as I am a Darth Vader & Darth Maul fan.

'Cause those guys are hotties.

~The Office Scribe

Reason #435 Why You Are A DB For Spending That Much On A Car

2009-04-26T17:51:00.001-07:00

I just got home from my mom's house and aside from being hella-sore from gardening at her place I was left shaken by a few close calls on the highway. And to make matters worse I did the 80 mile drive a propane tank in my passenger seat that I stole from mom's garage so I can finally grill something on the grill I put together a month ago.

The first glance at my life flashing before my eyes came in the form of a motorcycle driver who thought it would be fun to ride the shoulder, zipping past all the paltry cars that were forced to stay within the yellow lines. That was, until he was right next to me which is where the shoulder came to an end due to us all entering a construction zone. So he was forced to slam on his breaks, cut in front of me, which then forced me to slam on MY breaks and how we avoided a massive pile up I will never know. And of course, the best thing was the lovely gesture the motorcycle guy presented me with which I am pretty sure didn't stand for "Thanks for not running me over".

Next was a run-in with the cliche of all cliches, the old lady in a Cadillac. Seems she couldn't decide which lane she should have been in to pay the toll. I can only assume she didn't have an iPass (Illinois's toll paying device) by the way she decided to randomly drift out of the left lane into mine; actually, into the space I was still occupying with my car. All of this just so she could make it over to the manned toll booths. So I managed to find my horn to warn the lady that I was in the lane and she couldn't come over. But she must have been so anti-technology because obviously had forgotten to replace her hearing aid battery because she ignored the horn and decided to come over anyway. Luckily at this point the shoulder had re-appeared and I was able to swerve and avoid death by fiery accident involving the exploding propane tank.

But my drive home wasn't all fear of dying and white-knuckle driving techniques. I was cruising along, doing about 80 miles an hour in my happy little KIA Sportage, singing along with Jai Ho at volume 90 when I notice a red Ferrari pull up in the left lane next to me. So we are both cruising along, neither one of us passing the other, glancing occasionally at the other car. I was so pre-occupied with trying to decide if he had bought the hideous shirt he was wearing or had received it as a gift that I didn't notice the State Trooper until we had passed him. Of course he pops his lights and whips out after us, in my lane. I am so sure I am going to be pulled over that I start panicking that I may not have my insurance on me and wondering if it is illegal to drive with propane. But no, the lovely Illinois State Trooper switches lanes and ends up busting the dude in the sports car. I am sure he thought "Hmm, KIA Sportage with young woman driving or DB with slicked hair in a red Ferrari convertible?" Actually I think about 99% of all cops would have made the same choice. So I breathed a sigh of relief and reduced my speed, just in case karma wasn't on my side and the cop had a buddy waiting for me.

Most of the time driving is a life-or-death-Jason-Statham-movie-inspired-race-for-your-life but occasionally it is all worth it to see some DB get busted for speeding.

~The Office Scribe

Living Green

2009-04-19T12:24:00.001-07:00

I either live in the greenest building in North America or people just don't believe in throwing out their garbage.

I live in the condo unit closest to the garbage chute and I NEVER see anyone put anything in there. And I don't spend all my time with my face pressed up against the peep hole spying on my neighbors (I only do that about 4 hours a day) but in the year plus I have lived here you would think I would have seen someone else put something in there. But alas I seem to be the only person living here to create trash.

And I doubt that they are being all nice to the cleaning crew by taking stuff straight out the dumpster. Because (A) I don't think people are that nice and (B) there are raccoons the size of Buicks that live in them and I know I don't want to come face to face with them.

I watch them carry the fruits of their shopping labors into the building, so I just want to know, where does the trash go?

~ The Office Scribe

Two Signs That General Mills is Coo-Coo For Cocoa Puffs

2009-04-02T12:29:00.000-07:00

Sign Number One

Step One: Go to Google and search for General Mills Latin America

Step Two: Click on the first link, which brings you to the General Mills Latin America page.

Step Three: Scroll down to the list of countries and figure out which country doesn’t really belong. (Can’t figure it out? Then send your resume to General Mills immediately.)

Sign Number Two

Follow Steps One and Two Above

Step Three: Click on the link for Argentina

Step Four: Hide out in a cabin in the woods writing about the impending Martian war as predicted by the General Mills Latin America website. (Don’t bother clicking the link for more information – the e-mail address doesn’t work.)

I discovered these two flaws while doing a little research on General Mills yesterday (don’t ask) and now I want to know more. But sadly Trix won’t return my calls.

~The Office Scribe

The Tome That Is A Subway Napkin

2009-03-23T17:54:00.000-07:00

Tonight was one of the few nights where I didn't want to cook dinner. So I was lazy and stopped at my neighborhood Subway and picked up and Italian BMT, some chips and a Cherry Coke.

While sitting at my desk, happily munching away, I couldn't help but noticed that Subway napkins have a LOT of writing on them...

All this information on calories and how McDonalds and Burger King will kill you faster than Subway will. I almost pulled out a calculator and figured out how many calories were in my sandwich. Except and Italian BMT wasn't on the list which is sad because it is the best sandwich Subway can make.

But seriously, what is with all the writing? It is something that you wipe the extra mayo that leaked out of your sandwich on.

What next? Shakespeare on Charmin?

~The Office Scribe

Saturday Boredom Courtesy of the USPS

2009-03-21T12:19:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday said they had received the following 3 DVD's*:

- MST3K: Teenage Strangler

- Across the Universe

- State and Main

They informed me that the following DVD's would be shipped out**:

-MST3K: Eegahh!

- Mamma Mia!

- Arrested Development Season 1, Disc 1

Now seeing as I live outside of Chicago which puts me close to a NetFlix distribution center, I normally get my DVD's the next day.

When did I receive the above mentioned DVD's?

Today which is Saturday which is four days after I should have received them.

And since I know NetFlix would not screw me over like this, there is only one entity to blame:

And considering the weather around here has been beautiful lately that can't be a reason.

I am disappointed in you and your eagle emblem...

~The Office Scribe

* Don't judge me based on the movies I returned...I'll watch anything

** But you might be able to judge me based on these movies, who knows.

Want Me To Scrub Your Back Lord Vader?

2009-03-15T15:27:00.000-07:00

Whenever I have a party at my house I like to put a little note in the shower because over the years I have learned that party guests always look behind shower curtains.

Two reasons for this odd behavior:

1) They are super curious and want to see what kind of shampoo I use

2) They believe a serial killer might be hiding in there because they have seen one too many movies...

The last party I had, which has an eighties theme, I decided to put someone from the 1980's in my shower.

Because how many people can say they have shared a shower with Darth Vader?

Aside from the Emperor of course...

~The Office Scribe

The "B" in Plan B stands for BABY

2009-03-08T13:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a little crazy around my place because I was preparing for a nice little going away party for a co-worker. Anyone who has ever thrown a party knows the drill. Cooking, cleaning, stashing stuff in closets and under beds because you can't find a place for it, setting up the life-size Darth Vader in the shower to surprise people who feel the need to peek in there, etc, etc, etc.

Since I am so busy I generally am not paying attention to what is on TV. But in the midst of shoving papers from my desk into the drawers the voice-over on a commercial caught my attention.

It was for one of the those morning after after pills and it had one of the most obvious introductions I have ever heard.

"The morning after your birth control fails it might feel like you're all alone. But you're not."

Now what I am sure the Ad team was aiming for was that you are not alone because there is the option of Plan B out there. But my mind, and I am sure the mind of every other semi-intelligent person would think, was:

OF COURSE YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOUR BIRTH CONTROL FAILED. YOU ARE WITH CHILD!!!

Sometimes I think Ad Execs are so caffeined up with lattes that they don't stop and think about what they are telling to the consumer.

~ The Office Scribe

So Bad I Would Have Walked Out of My Living Room

2009-03-03T17:48:00.000-08:00

I think I have walked out on one movie in my life. It was the movie Loser and it was so painful that me and like the 17 people I was with all just up and left when we couldn't take it any longer.

I am such a movie fan that a movie has to be pretty bad for me to stop watching. Which is why I am a bit perplexed about my movie choices lately. While I am careful with what I order from NetFlix, I am not so discerning when it comes to what I watch on ON DEMAND for free. The past few days I have seen a few titles that I thought "Hey, it's better than watching reality TV" and turned on, only to stop watching after 20 minutes or so.

Fist Up: Resurrection Mary

I was pretty excited when I saw this movie was on since it is based on one of my favorite ghost tales from the Chicago area. Unfortunately this low-budget blooper didn't do the story any justice and I never made it past the first act.

Second Movie: Be Kind, Rewind

Rarely can you go wrong with a Jack Black movie. And throw in the quality that is Mos Def, some Danny Glover and the chick that used to be married to Woody Allen and it's gold. Unless you package it all together into this atrocity about re-filming VHS movies after a magnetized Jack Black erased them all. Too bad they didn't follow their own plot and do so with this.

Third Movie: Over Her Dead Body

I love Paul Rudd. I have a total crush on him. Especially when he is running with with Apatow crowd. But sadly I don't think he is cut out to be a leading man, which he proves in this movie. Of course, trying to picture Mr. Adorable with a bitchy Eva Longoria Parker didn't help the plot.

Come on Hollywood! Why are you greenlighting crap like this when there are thousands of better ideas out there? Send me a self addressed stamped envelope and I will prove it to you by sending you one of my scripts which you can make into a movie and I will give you my guarantee that it will earn more money than these four combined.

~The Office Scribe

What Does Jack Dempsey Have To Do With Bibles on the Blue Line?

2009-03-01T21:11:00.000-08:00

Oh, I'll tell you. But let me set this up a bit.

Every year for the past three years my friends and I have gone and seen the Dropkick Murphys around St. Patricks Day. (Oh, and yes - three years officially makes it a tradition.) So last night was when they were in town so we went to see them. It was decided that since we are too old to stand in line and then watch an opening act we would hit up a place for dinner before going to the show.

So being the economically strapped people that we are we decided to hop on Chicago's Blue Line and head up to the Bucktown area. We had no sooner descended into the depths of the subway station when my ever alert friend Kate noticed that there were a couple men standing on the platform with bibles, so she wisely instructed us to stay away from them because we were not in the mood for a religious lecture. (Did I mention that I have known all these friends since high school? A Catholic high school? Yeah, we are all religioned up.)

One of the men was a quiet Black man who we would later come to find out was named Ronnie. The other man reminded me of Brendan Gleason from such movies as 28 Days Later and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Mr. Gleason was decked out in a tweed trench coat which will come into play later in this novella.

So a few moments go by and the platform is relatively quiet when Mr. Gleason starts in on his little spiel. A spiel that started with the following statement:

Folks, Ronnie and I would like to tell you about the word of Jesus Christ.

It was at this moment that I started to twitch. See, when I go out to concerts and clubs I forgo the purse and just stash my wallet in my pocket. Which means that I had ventured out into the city without any paper or pencils to record this wonderful event on. Luckily, Kate had pretty pink PostIt notes and a pen so I could document the whole scene.

Well Mr. Gleason, with an occasional chime in from Ronnie, goes all Holy Ghost on the train platform. He is really getting into his speech, gesticulating with his bible in hand and proclaiming the word of the Lord and Savior, JC. I was doing my best to control my giggling and glances because I didn't want to embaress the poor man when he was only trying to share his knowledge with the world.

But I was drawn to look at him when I noticed he went a little quiet on us. A young man with a backpack had appreached him, and while I didn't hear the question asked I heard the answer which was:

"I know, isn't this tweed jacket wonderful?"

Mr. Gleason then launched into the story of his tweed jacket. Turns out, that before he became a Subway Saint Mr. Gleason had a career as an auctioneer. And one day, he was auctioning off all the possesions owned by some guy (why I didn't hear the reason) when he spotted the jacket amongst the stuff. He told the guy he would sell all his stuff but that jacket, which he would buy himself. Well, the seller told him how his dad used to be the sparing partner of Jack Dempsey at some boxing gym in Indiana and the great Jack Dempsey had literally given his father the jacket off his back.

This story impressed myself, the guy with the backpack, and my friends Stubbs and Kate.

Perhaps not the guy standing next to us though who had what Kate described as "delicious" looking smoothie.

As the train finally pulled into the station I head Mr. Gleason ask the guy with the backpack if he was an athiest. But sadly, the Blue Line waits for no woman and I was forced to miss the end of the conversation.

But the weirdness that was my Saturday night did not end there. Here's a recap:

- As soon as we got to the pizza place an octogenarian hit on Kate and was shut down by his grandson.

- I rode to and from the concert in the back of an amazingly clean Suburu Forrester, crouched down so no cops would see me and pull us over. When we got to the concert we backed in and couldn't open the back hatch, so the escape from the car I had to launch myself over the back seats. It was very graceful.

- Heard a woman use "cocksucker" on the phone with her boyfriend while we were buying Shamrock Shakes.

- My friends threatened to leave me in the back of the car at McDonalds so I retorted with the threat to eat all the leftover pizza before they got back. Sure, I would have puked but it would have been worth it.

- While waiting in line for the bathroom I saw a chick that had to be 6 foot tall and like 300 lbs. The woman behind me and I were in complete and utter awe.

- I almost got into a fight over Jim Thome.

- Fell asleep to the dulcet tones of what I thought was the soundtrack to Backdraft 2. Seriously, I thought the Great Chicago Fire had started all over again.

So I guess all in all it was a pretty fun Saturday night. Good thing there's another one next weekend...

~The Office Scribe

Have you ever....

2009-02-28T10:16:00.000-08:00

...been watching a movie n HBO and started to go about doing chores, lost track of time and the next thing you know Real Sports with Bob Costas is on and you are completely confused?

Yeah, that's what happened to me today.

~The Office Scribe

Observations On Parenting - Friday the 13th Edition

2009-02-14T12:33:00.001-08:00

Last night I succombed to some marketing ploy by a movie studio and went to see the new Friday the 13th movie ON FRIDAY THE 13TH!!!! I am a total nerd when it comes to things like this. My friend Stubbs and I also saw the Omen when it came out on 06-06-06. It's something I plan on telling my children one day.

Which brings me to the topic of raising children and the techniques other people employ while doing so.

As I was walking out of the theater at about midnight the place was packed with people waiting t get into the next showing of "Jason kills dumb people with a machete" and I actually saw several people carrying toddlers (as in kids 3 and under) into the theater.

Toddlers

Midnight Show

Friday the 13th

When their kids get knocked up at the age of 12, tossed into prison at 17, or a mental institution before they can legally drink I am sure they will blame the public schools and not the fact that they suck as parents. I can't even imagine why they would bring children of that age to such a movie. If you are going to corrupt your kids do it in the privacy of your own home so that the rest of the world doesn't have to know how big of a dipshit you are.

~ The Office Scribe

How To Tell If It Is A Slow News Day

2009-02-13T13:49:00.000-08:00

If this is the first story that greets you when you log onto Yahoo! to check your e-mail.

I thought we were in the midst of an economic crisis. Are people just too tired of talking about it? Even so, I could think of a thousand more interesting topics to talk about instead of this.

Here are some suggestions (helpful if you are ever stuck in an elevator or need help writing a blog):
- Branson, MO Bumper stickers on BMW's
- Things people collect
- The lost art of the letter opener
- Raccoon recipes
- Can you sprain your neck? (Seriously, I think I might have yawning the other day. If you are a doctor or play one on TV let me know)
- How many toothbrushes are too many toothbrushes
- Best movie you have ever seen with Pauly Shore in it
- Does gambling on a reality TV show make it more interesting?
- Just who is Tom Collins?

It's a bit of a crazy day. I have a headache and am curing it by going to see the new Friday the 13th movie this evening. I am a glutton for pain.

~The Office Scribe

Where does he get those wonderful toys?

2009-02-08T18:00:00.001-08:00

I was recently watching "Batman Returns" and came to the conclusion that out of everyone who has played Batman in the movies that Michael Keaton is my favorite. I know people are going to disagree with me and start the argument that Christian "Potty Mouth" Bale is the best. But I think those people are wrong. While I generally like the newer movies better, Batman himself could be better.

And I think I know the reason...

The crazy growly voice CB uses as Batman drives me nuts. Why does he think Batman needs to sound like he has throat cancer? Does he think he has such a distinctive voice that the people of Gotham would know it was him? None of the other Batmen felt the needs to growl.

And yes, I know this is a darker Batman (though I thought Batman was at his darkest when he went through NippleGate). But the need to use a gimmicky voice to make yourself seem dark just weakens the character.

So all you comic people can nerd out on me, but if asked in a poll I would have to say my favorite Batman was the original*, Michael Keaton.

~The Office Scribe

* Original meaning in the movies. Don't even get me started on the TV show.

Penetrate This Mr. Madden

2009-02-02T10:19:00.000-08:00

I was on my way into work this morning and on my local talk radio show they had someone call in who watched the Super Bowl yesterday in Arizona. Apparently, Comcast let a little blip of porn slip into the airing of the game much to the shock of viewers. I’ll be honest, I don’t think I would have been so shocked if this had been in the Chicago market because for the first time in 27 years of watching football I realized how incredibly sexual it is.

I, like many Americans who could care less about the Steelers or the Cardinals, did not attend a Super Bowl party last night. Instead I stayed at home and watched by myself while cleaning my apartment and chatting with people online. Everyone from chat rooms to Facebook pointed out, pretty much all at the same time, the overuse of the word “penetration” by Mr. John Madden. And because I have the mental aptitude of a 7 year old I got a case of the giggles.

For the next four hours every time I heard a somewhat sexual word (penetrate, tight end, induce ?) I forgot all about the game and pictured football players caught in incredulous acts of passion on the fifty yard line. Of course it didn’t help that I was playing my own little drinking game to go along with it. Though if I had been really committed I don’t think I would have be conscious for the amazing 4th quarter.

But now that the game is over I only have one question:

When does baseball season start?

~The Office Scribe

Keep Your Cash Cow Locked Up – Or At Least Fully Clothed

2009-01-30T14:14:00.000-08:00

I was cruising around the internet today and stumbled upon pictures of Miley Cyrus rocking some side-boob action. Sure I could post the pictures here or you could visit one of the dozen or so websites that have the pictures. Now as a female I know we all have the occasional wardrobe malfunction but I don’t remember a lot of them happening before the age of 18. And I think Miss Hannah Montana is somewhere in the range of “just became a legal driver”.

All I want to know is what the hell are Billy Ray and his non-famous wife thinking?

If my kid single handily resurrected my post-mullet career with a freaking Disney show, numerous concerts and enough money to put the Sultan of Brunei to shame there is no way I would let her out of the house in the outfits MC has been wearing. When she was seen in public she would be dressed in clothes that came from a short list of approved vendors, such as:

Gymboree

American Girls

Inuit-R-Us

Something from the Cask of Amontillado Collection

And when you do go track down the pictures as I am sure you will (though warning: Any male over the age of 18 who looks at this photos I am pretty sure Chris Hanson will be asking you to “take a seat” real soon…”) make sure you actually take notice of the FUGLY shirt that she is wearing. Like I told a co-worker, when things are that ugly I assume it was given to het by a “special” kid from a summer camp she was forced to visit by Mickey Mouse armed with an assault rifle.

Reason #346 why I am never having kids: Side Boob

~The Office Scribe

How Bad can Poligamy Be?

2009-01-29T17:50:00.000-08:00

One of my co-workers joked to me a while back that she thought it would be a good idea if her husband took on more than one wife because it would give her some time off. I laughed and said it made sense.

With the new season of Big Love on now the topic was brought up again and the more I think about it the more I am keen to the idea. In this instance, my co-worker said as long as I cooked and watched sports with her (our?) husband then she would clean and do the laundry. I damn near moved in with her with that comment. Who wouldn't want a life like that?

My ideal guy used to be a musician, an athlete or a movie star. Not for the money or fame, but because they would leave for extended periods of time and anyone who knows me knows I love my alone time. But now I think I need me a guy who is already married but haas an understanding wife...

~The Office Scribe

Old People Are Funny

2009-01-26T09:06:00.000-08:00

I spent the weekend at my mom’s house, as I do about every other weekend for two reasons: (A) I love my mother and (B) she cooks for me. This weekend we also decided that we needed to go to the movies and see some of the films that are nominated for the Oscars. I was a little shocked this year to see most of the movies I had spent the year seeing weren’t nominated. Okay, not really. I came to the conclusion long ago that Hollywood rarely if ever heaps praise in the form of Naked Gold Men for movies that I actually like.

But any who…this weekend my mom and I went and saw Slumdog Millionaire and Frost/Nixon. Both were great movies with superb writing and acting. And I am not blowing smoke up your ass by saying so. I actually really liked both movies, so kudos to the Academy for getting something right.

Frost/Nixon was my favorite of the two, because the portrayal of Richard Nixon by Frank Langella was spot on and that I was the youngest person in the theater by a good twenty years. I guess shame on me for being a 26 (nearly 27) year old who loves American History. I love the looks I get when I am the youngest person surrounded by oldies. They take one look at me and then are forced to glance at their ticket to make sure they didn’t accidently wander into My Bloody Valentine 3-D.

My favorite geriatric moment came when the lights went down and the theater was left in complete blackness except for the faint light coming from the screen. An elderly couple was about halfway up the steps and stopped right by my aisle. Even though I was in the middle of my row, I could hear their whispered conversation saturated in confusion. See, in the darkness they couldn’t see where two empty seats were and stood, frozen like people who run across a T-Rex. Afraid to move lest someone spot them. Or worse, they are spotted and take a nasty tumble down the stairs.

No joke this couple stood there for a good four trailers before something came on screen that was bright enough for them to see that there were some empty seats in my row. So of course, Mr. and Mrs. Santa Clause (that’s what they looked like) sidled into my row and sat next to me, luckily leaving the customary empty seat of separation between us.

I forgot that I was surrounded by people who actually lived through Watergate until about an hour into the movie when a cell phone went off. Now, mind you, I was the only person of the cell phone age in the theater. My mom, who would still be considered a young whippersnapper in that group hadn’t even brought hers. Nope, the phone and its god awful volume 11 ring belonged to a little old white haired women about ten rows in front of me who couldn’t find the thing in her enormous Mary Poppins like carpet bag of death. Right in the middle of a critical scene (because they were all critical) we were serenaded and the suspension of disbelief was broken.

But I guess that serves me right for going to a movie at one in the afternoon. Next time I’ll remember to go to a 5 o’clock show, when the oldies are already in bed.

~The Office Scribe

All Work And No Play Makes Me Something, Something

2009-01-23T14:47:00.000-08:00

In a fit of madness today I decided that one blog in my life wasn't enough and I wanted to take on the challange of two blogs. For those of you who don't know, I am also the author of a blog called Asleep Under My Desk which is all about working in an office. But sometimes I want to rant and rave about things that I encounter after I have left the place where I spend 40 hours a week. Hence this blog.

While I might not post with the regularity of my other blog (though you never know...) I promise that this will be a place where you can read about my thoughts on politics, movies, religion, global warming, Paris Hilton, Disney World, my bum knee, crazy neighbors, my new obsession with NetFlix, cooking lessons, and everything else that clogs my mind.

So welcome and enjoy. And feel free to tell me how truly warped I am. I thrive on compliments like that.

~The Office Scribe