So Bad I Would Have Walked Out of My Living Room

I think I have walked out on one movie in my life.  It was the movie Loser and it was so painful that me and like the 17 people I was with all just up and left when we couldn't take it any longer. 

I am such a movie fan that a movie has to be pretty bad for me to stop watching.  Which is why I am a bit perplexed about my movie choices lately.  While I am careful with what I order from NetFlix, I am not so discerning when it comes to what I watch on ON DEMAND for free.  The past few days I have seen a few titles that I thought "Hey, it's better than watching reality TV" and turned on, only to stop watching after 20 minutes or so.

Fist Up: Resurrection Mary

I was pretty excited when I saw this movie was on since it is based on one of my favorite ghost tales from the Chicago area.  Unfortunately this low-budget blooper didn't do the story any justice and I never made it past the first act.

Second Movie:  Be Kind, Rewind

Rarely can you go wrong with a Jack Black movie.  And throw in the quality that is Mos Def, some Danny Glover and the chick that used to be married to Woody Allen and it's gold.  Unless you package it all together into this atrocity about re-filming VHS movies after a magnetized Jack Black erased them all.  Too bad they didn't follow their own plot and do so with this.

Third Movie:  Over Her Dead Body

I love Paul Rudd.  I have a total crush on him.  Especially when he is running with with Apatow crowd.  But sadly I don't think he is cut out to be a leading man, which he proves in this movie.  Of course, trying to picture Mr. Adorable with a bitchy Eva Longoria Parker didn't help the plot.

Come on Hollywood!  Why are you greenlighting crap like this when there are thousands of better ideas out there?  Send me a self addressed stamped envelope and I will prove it to you by sending you one of my scripts which you can make into a movie and I will give you my guarantee that it will earn more money than these four combined.

~The Office Scribe

What Does Jack Dempsey Have To Do With Bibles on the Blue Line?

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Have you ever....

...been watching a movie n HBO and started to go about doing chores, lost track of time and the next thing you know Real Sports with Bob Costas is on and you are completely confused?

Yeah, that's what happened to me today.

~The Office Scribe

Observations On Parenting - Friday the 13th Edition

Last night I succombed to some marketing ploy by a movie studio and went to see the new Friday the 13th movie ON FRIDAY THE 13TH!!!! I am a total nerd when it comes to things like this. My friend Stubbs and I also saw the Omen when it came out on 06-06-06. It's something I plan on telling my children one day.

Which brings me to the topic of raising children and the techniques other people employ while doing so.

As I was walking out of the theater at about midnight the place was packed with people waiting t get into the next showing of "Jason kills dumb people with a machete" and I actually saw several people carrying toddlers (as in kids 3 and under) into the theater.

Toddlers

Midnight Show

Friday the 13th

When their kids get knocked up at the age of 12, tossed into prison at 17, or a mental institution before they can legally drink I am sure they will blame the public schools and not the fact that they suck as parents. I can't even imagine why they would bring children of that age to such a movie. If you are going to corrupt your kids do it in the privacy of your own home so that the rest of the world doesn't have to know how big of a dipshit you are.

~ The Office Scribe

How To Tell If It Is A Slow News Day

If this is the first story that greets you when you log onto Yahoo! to check your e-mail.

I thought we were in the midst of an economic crisis. Are people just too tired of talking about it? Even so, I could think of a thousand more interesting topics to talk about instead of this.

Here are some suggestions (helpful if you are ever stuck in an elevator or need help writing a blog):
- Branson, MO Bumper stickers on BMW's
- Things people collect
- The lost art of the letter opener
- Raccoon recipes
- Can you sprain your neck? (Seriously, I think I might have yawning the other day. If you are a doctor or play one on TV let me know)
- How many toothbrushes are too many toothbrushes
- Best movie you have ever seen with Pauly Shore in it
- Does gambling on a reality TV show make it more interesting?
- Just who is Tom Collins?

It's a bit of a crazy day. I have a headache and am curing it by going to see the new Friday the 13th movie this evening. I am a glutton for pain.

~The Office Scribe

Where does he get those wonderful toys?

I was recently watching "Batman Returns" and came to the conclusion that out of everyone who has played Batman in the movies that Michael Keaton is my favorite.  I know people are going to disagree with me and start the argument that Christian "Potty Mouth" Bale is the best.   But I think those people are wrong.  While I generally like the newer movies better, Batman himself could be better.

And I think I know the reason...

The crazy growly voice CB uses as Batman drives me nuts.  Why does he think Batman needs to sound like he has throat cancer?  Does he think he has such a distinctive voice that the people of Gotham would know it was him?  None of the other Batmen felt the needs to growl.

And yes, I know this is a darker Batman (though I thought Batman was at his darkest when he went through NippleGate).  But the need to use a gimmicky voice to make yourself seem dark just weakens the character.

So all you comic people can nerd out on me, but if asked in a poll I would have to say my favorite Batman was the original*, Michael Keaton.

~The Office Scribe

* Original meaning in the movies.  Don't even get me started on the TV show.

Penetrate This Mr. Madden

I was on my way into work this morning and on my local talk radio show they had someone call in who watched the Super Bowl yesterday in Arizona. Apparently, Comcast let a little blip of porn slip into the airing of the game much to the shock of viewers. I’ll be honest, I don’t think I would have been so shocked if this had been in the Chicago market because for the first time in 27 years of watching football I realized how incredibly sexual it is.

I, like many Americans who could care less about the Steelers or the Cardinals, did not attend a Super Bowl party last night. Instead I stayed at home and watched by myself while cleaning my apartment and chatting with people online. Everyone from chat rooms to Facebook pointed out, pretty much all at the same time, the overuse of the word “penetration” by Mr. John Madden. And because I have the mental aptitude of a 7 year old I got a case of the giggles.

For the next four hours every time I heard a somewhat sexual word (penetrate, tight end, induce ?) I forgot all about the game and pictured football players caught in incredulous acts of passion on the fifty yard line. Of course it didn’t help that I was playing my own little drinking game to go along with it. Though if I had been really committed I don’t think I would have be conscious for the amazing 4th quarter.

But now that the game is over I only have one question:

When does baseball season start?

~The Office Scribe