A Warning To Future Lottery Winners

You know how we all play that game "if I won the lottery what would I buy?".

It's a fun way to pass the time as we work at our jobs as we imagine ourselves dripping in dimonds or cooling off in our infinity edge pool in Malibu.

But I think a lot of people imagine themselves hitting the waters in their brand new boat. Feeling the breeze in your hair as you zip around in a speed boat or enjoying the scenery as you cruise along in a pontoon or catching that prize winning fish in a bass boat.

But let me tell you, as someone who owns a boat (not from lottery winnings): Boats will be the death of you.

Imgaine if you will this scenario: You just got to the boat after a LONG week and all you want to do is relax. You brought a cooler full of sandwiches and Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade. The CD player is full of Jimmy Buffet ready to sing about volcanoes and margaritas.

And the damn boat won't start. You try everything, adding more gas, jump;ing the battery cursing so loud the 4 year old next door was forced to add some new words to their volcabulary, but nothing worked. Now you are more worked up than you were before you tried to start the boat. And of course, the marina is closed so there is no one to help you.

Welcome to what I like to call Sunday's at my lake house.

And people wonder why I bought a canoe at age 14. Reason: The only way they won't start is if a sasquatch ripped off your arms and left you unable to use a paddle.

~ The Office Scribe

A Unique Psychic Ability

It was 2:30 AM on Sunday morning and the craving for some Chicken McNuggets hit my friends and I as we were leaving a bar in Chicago.  It was a lovely night out, fellow drunks out in droves, like us, in search of late night nibbles.

So over the the Rock-in-Roll McDonalds we headed and each ordered a #10.  Instead of walking and eating we thought we would take a load off and consume our tasty food while it was still hot.

About 4 nuggets in my friend Kate notices a highly inebriated young man who can barely hold his head up.  His friends are trying to keep him upright and feed him some food in what I can only assume is some sort of attempt at sobering him up.

So Kate says, "That guy is going to puke."

No sooner had the words left her mouth than the guy heaved and decorated the tile floor of the Mickey D's with stomach acid, beer, and what appeared to be Goldfish crackers.

His friends wisely dragged him off to the bathroom while the employees of the McDonald's were left to clean it up.  (Which they did rather quickly and without complaint.)

Now only if Kate could harness that predicting power into winning us some money in the lottery instead of just knowing when drunks were going to puke we could rule the world.

~  The Office Scribe

Oh, and yes, we did stay at the table about 10 feet away and finish our food.  What?  We were hungry!

Possible Reasons My Neighbors Are Running Their AC On A Cool Day

The weather in Chicago has been kinda loopy lately.  One week it will be hot and humid and the next week everyone is wearing a jacket and carrying umbrellas.  For the past week or so it has been a nice cool 65-75 degree, though it is supposed to warm up this weekend.

But what confuses me is why the people who live in the condo above me are running their AC unit.  It has been running steady for I would say about the past two months.  When they turned it on I was still covering my plants at night afraid they might die from frost.  This is something that has been bothering me; wondering why they are running their AC so much.  Personally I went all last summer without turning it on once and I plan to do so this summer (The house I grew up in didn't have it so I am not used to it.)

So I did the only logical thing I could do - came up with a list of possible reasons as to why they are running their AC when it isn't hot outside.

THEY ARE FROM THE ARCTIC CIRCLE

- There they were, a happy couple all snug in their igloo until Chptah got a transfer to the Chicago suburbs where they can't deal with the heat.  So the only relief he can find is in the comfort of the magical cold box which reminds him so much of home.

SOMEONE ELSE PAYS THEIR COM-ED BILL

- Seriously, I don't even want to know how much higher their electric bill might be than mine.  Aside from not liking AC one of the reasons I don't turn it on is because I don't want to spend the money to run it.  If this thing has been running 24-7 for 60 days I can only assume they have found themselves some sort of Utility Sugar Daddy.  Personally I would have mine pay for cable, but to each his own.

THEY SUFFER FROM COLIC

- Even though they are grown ups they still need the hum of a piece of machinery to sooth them to sleep.  And since the washer and dryer are harder to curl up on, the AC unit was the next logical choice.

THEY SELL EXOTIC MEATS

- Much like the movie "The Freshman", sometimes people want to eat Siberian Tiger or Komodo Dragon.  And since neither of those will fit into a Frigidaire then the only way to keep all that pricey, illegal meat fresh is to drop the temp of your apartment down to freezing.

DEAD BODIES

- Honestly, this was the first place my mind went because, well, that is how my mind works.  I am sure, like the dragon meat, they need to keep the place cool so no one smells the rotting corpses.  Now, I am not saying they killed anyone, hell, it might be some way to scam insurance or social security, but I am like 89% there is a non-breathing body up there.

What do you think?

~ The Office Scribe

A True "Dear John" Letter

Dear John(ny),

Ever since you were sucked into a bed in "A Nightmare on Elm Street" I have been enamored with you.  Sure, I was only 2 at the time but when I saw it later, on late night TV with all the truly bloody parts removed for sensitive viewers I still remember being drawn to you.  Perhaps it was the way you played a cassette tape of airport noises so your mom would thing you were staying at your cousins.  Or the half football jersey you wore the last time you went to sleep.  For whatever reason, I was hooked.

Then came "21 Jump Street" which I will admit I didn't see much of but remember thinking "Hey, that was the guy from that Freddy Kruger movie so I would catch a glimpse of it here and there.  But again, I was 8 at this time and my parents didn't think it was proper television programming such an impressionable youth.

While you were always in the back of my mind it wasn't until the masterpiece that was "Edward Scissorhands" that you cemented yourself as one of my favorite people in the world.  My mother took me to see the movie because she was a big Vincent Price fan, a man I only knew from the doing the voice over in "Thriller".  So we went and I saw the magic which occurred when you and your hetero life mate Tim Burton got together and put pictures on film.  It was magic.

Every time I saw that you would be in a movie I grew excited.  "What's Eating Gilbert Grape", "Ed Wood" and "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" all claimed hours of my life as I watched them.  The characters you played I am sure were interesting on the page of the script but when you got a hold of them you made them your own.

One of my personal favorites, "From Hell", I have watched more times that I care to admit.  You, the darkly intriguing detective with a penchant for ladies in distress and opium dens on the hunt for one of the most notorious serial killers of all time?  Awesome.

But I think your most critically acclaimed role came when you took the chance on staring in a movie based, not on a cartoon or comic book or real person, but on a ride.  I could go on and on about the power that is Captain Jack Sparrow, but writers far wittier than I have done so for years and I will leave it to that.

And you are so multi-talented!  You lent your voice to the show "King of the Hill" and sang your way through "Sweeny Todd".  You played the guitar in "Chocolat" and helped shoot Hunter S. Thompson's ashes from a cannon.  Is there nothing you can do?

Most recently you were in my hometown of Chicago filming "Public Enemies" playing the seductive Robin Hood like character of John Dillinger.  Yes, I had thoughts of tracking you down in the city and trying to convince you that I would be an ideal personal assistant but I restrained myself for fear of upsetting you and possibly obtaining a criminal record.

The only time I thought you may have potentially wavered was with "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" where once again, you teamed up with Tim Burton.  While you were a different type of Willy Wonka you didn't quite catch the power that was Gene Wilder.

But you made up for it with two more turns as Captain Jack Sparrow.

So I had believed you were perfect in every way...

That is, until I went to Yahoo! Main page and saw this:

What.  The. Hell?

Okay, I understand this is "Alice in Wonderland" as done by Tim Burton, but this image may haunt my dreams tonight, and not in the same way as your image used to.  It is scary and disturbing and down right wrong.  I don't think this look so much says "mad" as "I'm sorry I ate your cocker spaniel."

Mr. Depp you didn't quite fall of the pedestal but there was a definite wobble.

~ The Office Scribe

(I grabbed this photo from E! Online which I love so don't come and try and sue me because all you would get would be a chewed on pencil and some garden veggie tortillas.  Plus I love E!  I once sat next to Richard Simmons in the grand stands at the Golden Globes while he was doing cover for the channel and he was kind enough to talk to my aunt on my phone.  Thanks E!)

Who Knew Chewbacca Lived In A Condo?

Now let me just say, I am a sports fan.  I love the Chicago White Sox.  During the fall I wear blue and orange to support the bears.  And every 2-4 years I am glued to the TV watching "athletes" compete in such feats as curling, the luge, and synchronized swimming.

But when I hear people get so pumped up about sports that it borders on bothersome, something needs to be done.

I am (--this--) close to climbing up the balconies of the condo building next to mine spider monkey style and cutting the cable to the apartment that belongs to the Wookie.

Why do I call him the Wookie?

Because almost everyday he is watching what I can only assume to be a Cubs game (I channel surf to see what it might be) and bellowing like a walrus in heat.  I have been swept up in the passion of a good baseball game from time to time where I have been known to hoot and holler a bit, but good lord man!  I am sitting quietly in my apartment, glued to my new TV, and there is a silence shattering noise which cuts through the night - a loud, deep noise that sounds like a chupa cabra in mourning.

So now I have neighbors who have loud nookie and a wookie.

What's next?

No, seriously, what do you think is next?  I want to be prepared...

~ The Office Scribe

* Okay, I grabbed this picture off a random Google Image Search because it was Chewy at a baseball game and I found it fitting.  But then I had to giggle because it looks like the Han wanna-be laid an egg and Chewy is throwing those, possibly at the Death Star.

Oh, So I Guess I Am More Racist Than The Jets...

Last night my mom and I were doing what millions of theater lovers (read into that what you will) were doing by watching the Tony Awards.  We have season tickets to Broadway in Chicago so we are actually a little informed when it comes to plays and musicals.

Or so I thought.

After a performance from "West Side Story" I voiced my disappointment that they chose to perform that scene at the dance where Tony and Maria first meet each other that goes on for way too long instead of my favorite song which is "When You're A Jet".  So my mom and I, much to the chagrin of the dogs who were trying to sleep, start belting out a few bars.

Here are the lyrics as they are known from the musical:

The Jets are in gear,
Our cylinders are clickin'!
The Sharks'll steer clear
'Cause ev'ry Puerto Rican's a lousy chicken! 

Here are the lyrics as I sang them:

The Jets are in gear,
Our cylinders are clickin'!
The Sharks'll steer clear
'Cause ev'ry Puerto Rican's a lousy 'Spic! 

To which my mom questioned, "What did you say?"

So I repeated what I thought the words were.  She shook her head.  So I defended what I thought the words were, by saying that the Jets didn't think much of the Sharks and probably used racial epithets around them.

That seemed to settle the argument, until my mom called me at work today to inform me that not only was I wrong in my choice of lyrics but I possibly might be prejudice against people of Puerto Rican descent.

But it's all good, because to quote another line from another musical (properly this time I might add):

Everyone's a little bit racist, sometimes...

~ The Office Scribe

No, I am not actually racist.  Turns out I just sometime play the game of Telephone by myself.  Sometime I'll tell you what I thought the lyrics to "Flagpole Sitter" by Harvey Danger were...

Why My Liver Hates "Twilight"

Did you happen to catch the MTV Movie Awards this evening? (Which are still going on because awards shows go one for WWWAAAAYYYY too long...)

I did.  And before you go all judgemental on me for watching them know that I do so because of the previews for the movies that are coming out.  But the one movie I was not looking forward to the preview of "New Moon".

(Note: I tried to find a poster for this movie but all I could find were crappy ones made by fans with lackluster PhotoShop skills.)

In case you have been living under a rock or perhaps attending a Mensa meeting for the past year or so, "New Moon" is the sequel to "Twilight"; that movie about disco ball vampires in the Pacific Northwest.  Well it is much anticipated and a lot of people were tuning into tonight show in order to see the clip from the new movie.

So I knew there would be some chatter about the movie but dammit, I didn't expect the title of the movie to be mentioned every three seconds.  It was like a two-hour commercial for "Twilight".  If I had been playing the MTV Movie Awards "Twilight" Drinking Game I would be dead from alcohol poisoning right now.

Which might be better than having to put up with through the hype for the movies for books three and four...

~The Office Scribe