Evidence That I Need To Go Grocery Shopping

Did you ever see the movie Fight Club?  Well, if not, you were someone not breathing in the late 90s but I digress.  Anyhow, there is a part in the movie where Edward Norton's characters apartment blows up and he comments on the sad condition of the contents of his fridge.

Narrator: A house full of condiments and no food... how embarrassing. 

This is the quote that popped into my head today as I cleaned out my fridge.  I decided to do so because I noticed this morning when I went to make breakfast that the eggs had expired in November and the heavy cream I was going to put in my coffee had become a solid.

Here is a walk through what is currently in the fridge, after I cleaned it out.

Veggies & Fruit:

You'll first notice that there are no vegetable or fruit in the designated drawers.  This isn't because I don't like fruits and veggies.  It's just that those are the first things that rot when you don't use them in a few days.  So to save food and money, I usually only keep frozen veggies in my place.  And I do have some oranges in a basket on my counter.  I have been eating about 3 a day so they won't go bad.  This means I have so much Vitamin C pumping through my system there is no way in hell I will ever get swine Flu.

Beverages:

I have a friend that says you can tell if a fridge is owned by a female in their 20s because it only has beverages in it.  Normally, this is true.  But when I cleaned out the fridge I found some Jager, a bottle of Reisling, and these three cans of beer which I can only assume (i.e. pray to god) were left over from some party I had where were ran out of good beer and switched to (gag) Busch Light.

BBQ Sauce:

I bought this GIANT bottle of BBQ sauce sometime last summer and it's a good thing that BBQ sauce has an expiration date similar to the half life of Plutonium, because this thing is going to last me for years.  But it was so cheap!

Butter:

I have a LOT of butter in my fridge.  And nothing to put butter on.  You know how sometimes people with OCD always have to buy something.  I think in my case it is butter.  It's like I see it on sale and think "This is a fabulous price!  I can't not buy butter!"  Call Dr. Drew because I might need an intervention.

Condiments:

Yeah, in this photo you can see, in addition to my butter cache and the aforementioned random alcohol, a lot of condiments, which are generally applied to food, which I don't have.  It's like an I Spy came.  Can you find the following:

- 2 jars of Mayo with Olive Oil

- Hoisin Sauce

- Real Maple Syrup (which I only use in a heart attack recipe called Baconey Goodness)

- Franks Hot Sauce

- International Delights Coffee Creamers

- Minced Garlic

- Mango Chutney

So as soon as I am finished writing this I am making out a grocery list so they don't find my corpse after I choke on a concoction made from parmesan cheese and Red Bull.

~ The Office Scribe