Monday, December 28, 2009

An Open Letter To The Guy Who Tasered A Butcher in Joliet

*Note:  This post is inspired by stuff you would find over at The Open Letters Blog and a report I heard on the radio.

Background:  According to a Chicago Sun Times article a young man got pissed off when he was thrown out of a grocery store in Joilet, Illinois so he came back with a Taser and jolted the stores butcher.

Dear Guy who Tasered The Butcher in Joliet,

You have to be the dumbest person in Joliet, and for anyone who knows anything about Joliet, that is saying a lot.

I'll ignore the fact the you got thrown out of a grocery store, a feat unto itself.  I'll even ignore the fact that you felt so mad you came back armed.  But when you returned, you attacked THE ONE PERSON IN THE STORE WITH THE POWER TO MESS YOU UP.  As a former butcher, I know that within a three foot radius I could have grabbed about a dozen items I could have used to inflict severe bodily harm on you.  Knifes, sharpening steels, saws, frozen legs of lamb, the list goes on and on.  I'll assume you caught the butcher off guard otherwise I think you your new prison nickname would be "Left Nut" or "Stumpy".

Should you be dumb enough to find yourself in this circumstance again I would suggest you attack someone at the Deli counter.  A pint of macaroni salad doesn't hurt as much as a meat cleaver to the sternum.

The Office Scribe
Former Meat Cleaving Badass Turned Cubicle Monkey