Proof That I Read My E-Mails: Gibby Goo Bop

I just logged on to check the e-mail account that I use for my blogs and Twitter and saw an e-mail from someone named Gibby Goo Bop.  My initial thought was penis enlargement drugs from Thailand, but I clicked anyway.  Here is the e-mail...

Subject: Scribey! Everybody will snooze blue...

hi office scribe!

asleep under the desk?  funny, me too!

i'll sleep under my desk!  and i'll sleep in the loo!!

everybody will snooze blue

so I made this video just for you…

ENJOY!!

love,

Gibby

Against my better judgement, I clicked on the YouTube link, and instead of finding a request from Chris Hansen to "take a seat over there" I was treated to the following music video, entitled "Strife on Mars?"

I won't even pretend to understand it, and I am pretty sure by posting it I am spreading the secret message imbedded within the lyrics and recruiting for this guys cult, but what the hell?  I feel the need to be directly involved in possibly one of the greatest viral self promotions wacky lyricists have ever thought of.

So, remember, don't drink the Kool-Aid and, um, enjoy?

~ The Office Scribe

10 Things I Learned at the Chicago Marathon

1) While running 26.2 miles it a true test of endurance, a truer test of endurance is how long one can remain on a stalled "L" train, packed like a sardine with hundreds of tourists, before the pry open the doors and see how dangerous that third rail really is.

2) "Bloody nipples" is not just a joke made by Andy Bernard from "The Office".  That shit it real.

3) Runners are slobs.  After the race, the streets of Chicago were littered with banana peels, sponges, and those who could not finish.

4) It's not a racist or stereotypical comment if it's true.

5) Cops from the South side know nothing about the North side (and so it should remain for all time).

6) iPhones have the worlds most annoying alarm feature.  I thought my friend's apartment was on fire.

7) Those who dare to run while dressed like national monuments get the loudest cheers.

8) Cold pot stickers from Jewel at 10:00 a.m. are mighty tasty.

9) Just because the label says Tonic Water that doesn't mean the bottle contains Tonic Water.

10) My friend Kate truly is my hero for running her first marathon, finishing, and still having the strength to go out for deep dish pizza afterwards.

~ The Office Scribe

Quasimodo's Playlist

I never go anywhere without my iPod. It's not even that I am a huge fan of music. I just like noise. I bring it to work. I use it in my car. I play games on it while I am in waiting rooms. I watch movies on the little screen when the power goes out.

Let's just say I really love my iPod.

Earlier today I was scrolling through my music library and I noticed that I have quite a few songs with the word bell in the title.  I found this interesting, because who would have thought the word bell was so popular.

I'll tell you who.  This guy.

Yeah, that is Quasimodo, the protagonist from the Victor Hugo novel The Hunchback of Notre Dame. The man did two things: rings bells and chat with gargoyles.

He would love my iPod.

So Ladies and Gentlemen, I present...

Quasimodo's Playlist

Track #1: I Hear The Bells - Mike Doughty

This song might be familiar to those of you who are fans of the short lived show Veronica Mars. Warning - if you download this song you may, like me, listen to it on repeat because you can't get enough of it.

Track #2: Tubular Bells - Michael Gordon Oldfield

Hmm, what is this little gem?  Oh, that's right.  It's the theme from The Exorcist.  Nothing like rocking out to a song which recalls green bile and head spinning hilarity.

Track #3: For Whom The Bell Tolls - Metallica

The version I like is the one off the S&M album because it is the perfect mashup of metal and a symphony.  I like to picture a young Mozart rocking out to this tune on the harpsicord.

Track #4: Carol of the Bells - Trans Siberian Orchestra

Come December 1, this becomes my ringtone, but that doesn't mean I don't listen to it the other 11 months of the year.

Track #5: Michelle (My Belle) - The Beatles

Okay, okay.  I know the official title is just Michelle, but it seems that most people think the title includes the word bell so I added it.  What's a playlist without The Beatles anyway?

Track #6: Saved By The Bell - ?

I don't know who wrote this TV theme song (if I was motivated I could find it on Wikipedia I am sure) but everyone in my generation knows every word to this song and will until the day we die.

Track #7: Belle - From Beauty and the Beast

We preformed this as a musical when I was in 5th grade.  I tried out for the part of Lumiere and ended up being a bar wench.  Did my music teacher know something about my future that I didn't?  Perhaps.

Track #8: Ring My Bell - Anita Ward

Disco Demolition may have happened at Comisky back in the day but that didn't stop me from putting this song on my iPod.

Track #9: Jingle Bell Rock - Bobby Helms

It may have come out in 1957 but it is now associated with Mean Girls which is better than associating Lindsay Lohan with Mean Girls.

Track #10: Poison by Bell Biv Davoe

Bell might not be in this title either but it's in the band (?) name and that's reason enough to include it on this list.  Well that and I remember choreographing ice skating routines on my lake to this jam when I was a kid.  Come on, picture a nine year old white girl attempting to pull off some sort of crazy untrained jump while the lyrics 

It's driving me out of my mind 

That's why it's hard for me to find

Can't get her out of my head 

Miss her, kiss her, Wrong move you're dead

blares from a Sony boombox on the shore.  It was badass.

Is there a song that should be included on this list that I forgot?  Let me know in comments and I promise to mock your choices.

~ The Office Scribe

Damn Target! That's Kinky

Okay, so it's Valentine's Day.  I picked up on this because of the numerous KY commercials and the overabundance of red and pink candy that has shown up in my candy dish at the office.  

But seeing as how I am single, and even if I wasn't not a fan of V-Day, I didn't have any plans.  Well, I did.  My mom, Gram and I headed out to enjoy some Chinese food because today is also Chinese New Year (Go Tigers!)

On my way back from lunch I decided to swing by Target to pick up some stuff I needed, in addition to some stuff I didn't need.  (Come on, have you ever left a Target without picking up some extras?)

So I did my shopping, only picking up a few items which of course, I couldn't live without.  I hit up Register #1 threw my items and had the following conversation:

Checker:  Good evening and Happy Valentine's Day to you.

TOS:  Thanks, same to you.

Checker: Is everything out of your basket? (Note: I didn't have a basket OR shopping cart.)

TOS: Um, yep.

Checker:  Looks like your getting ready to celebrate Valentine's Day.

Now, this comment would have been appropriate had my shopping list consisted of condoms, boxed wine, a heart shaped box of chocolates, Iron Man Valentines, and some trashy underwear.

But I was purchasing the following:

- Thank You Notes with polka dots on them

- 3 inch mesh strainer

- Post It Notes

- Moonlight: The Complete Series on DVD

- Tinactin (Don't judge me)

What kind of kinky ass evening was the chick from Target thinking I was about to have?

Please, I would love all of your thoughts on this one.

~ The Office Scribe

Fun Ways To Get Swine Flu

I am sick of people telling me how to not get Swine Flu.  I get it.  If I want to stay healthy I should wash my hands.  Fine.  I do that anyway.  And I hope to god everyone else does too, but I know that isn't the case.  Which weirds me out.  It's like people who try on underwear.  Ewwww.

But the question I have is: What if I want to get Swine Flu?  What if I want to ensure that I come down with a raging case that leaves me weak, sickly, and 20 pounds lighter?  What if it might be the only way short of a mental breakdown that I can guarantee myself some downtime away from work and other commitments?

So I compiled a list of FUN ways that you and I can get Swine Flu.  And if you think of anything else I would love to read about it in the comments.

DOOR HANDLES

A lot of time people wonder what strange and exotic foods taste like.  But I wonder, have you ever thought what a door handle might taste like?  Perhaps it is time to find out.

CRAIGSLIST

You can pretty much find anything you want on Craigslist.  I am sure if you posted an ad looking from someone to come over and spread the germs you could find one.  Plus you could possibly gain a new friend and the insight as to what the bottom of a well looks like.

FREE DRINKS

You know how people leave drinks when they go to the bathroom (unless you can shove a beer bottle in your cleavage like I do)?  Well, instead of slipping a ruffie into it like you usually would take a big sip and enjoy that martini and whatever germs were back washed into it.

GUTTER SUNDAE

When I was at Girl Scout Camp we used to make Gutter Sundaes which is done by taking a section of gutter (preferably new) and loading it full of ice cream and toppings, then unleashing everyone on it with spoons.  The camp stopped doing it my third year there because people were afraid of the germs you might pick up.  I saw we bring this fine tradition back for just that reason.

REENACT A SCENE FROM YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE

There you are.  You have just stolen a bunch of dinosaur embryos from a secluded lab on an island off the coast of Costa Rica.  It's raining.  You lose control of your car and slide down a hill.  In the middle of the downpour, as you are trying to fix your car, you meet a breed of dinosaur face to face.  When you treat it like a dog it ramps up and spits a giant loogie in your face.  Instead of becoming paralyzed have an infected person spit in your face and voila!  You have Swine Flu!

VAMPIRES

They are trendy.  Whether it be while sparkling in the north woods and driving preteen girls into a fury over a guy who needs to shower.  Or on HBO where they actually act like vampires, bite people, have sex, and are much, much hotter than anything found in Seattle.  Or in the numerous scripts that Hollywood is green lighting to cash in on the popularity of the two aforementioned franchises.  So I suggest you go out and bite someone.  And when they throw you in county lockup you can catch swine flu from a guy named Bubba who has no teeth and facial burns from when his meth lab blew up.

Any of these options create a unique and exciting opportunity to give yourself that much needed break.

~ The Office Scribe

* The Office Scribe in no way condones people going out and getting horribly ill because my luck it will be my co-workers who read this and get sick while I remain healthy as a horse, stuck in my cubicle, doing my work and all of theirs...

Oh, So I Guess I Am More Racist Than The Jets...

Last night my mom and I were doing what millions of theater lovers (read into that what you will) were doing by watching the Tony Awards.  We have season tickets to Broadway in Chicago so we are actually a little informed when it comes to plays and musicals.

Or so I thought.

After a performance from "West Side Story" I voiced my disappointment that they chose to perform that scene at the dance where Tony and Maria first meet each other that goes on for way too long instead of my favorite song which is "When You're A Jet".  So my mom and I, much to the chagrin of the dogs who were trying to sleep, start belting out a few bars.

Here are the lyrics as they are known from the musical:

The Jets are in gear,
Our cylinders are clickin'!
The Sharks'll steer clear
'Cause ev'ry Puerto Rican's a lousy chicken! 

Here are the lyrics as I sang them:

The Jets are in gear,
Our cylinders are clickin'!
The Sharks'll steer clear
'Cause ev'ry Puerto Rican's a lousy 'Spic! 

To which my mom questioned, "What did you say?"

So I repeated what I thought the words were.  She shook her head.  So I defended what I thought the words were, by saying that the Jets didn't think much of the Sharks and probably used racial epithets around them.

That seemed to settle the argument, until my mom called me at work today to inform me that not only was I wrong in my choice of lyrics but I possibly might be prejudice against people of Puerto Rican descent.

But it's all good, because to quote another line from another musical (properly this time I might add):

Everyone's a little bit racist, sometimes...

~ The Office Scribe

No, I am not actually racist.  Turns out I just sometime play the game of Telephone by myself.  Sometime I'll tell you what I thought the lyrics to "Flagpole Sitter" by Harvey Danger were...

Okay, Who Was It???

WARNING:  THIS IS THE SAME POST THAT IS OVER AT ASLEEP UNDER MY DESK SO IF IT SOUNDS FAMILIAR THAT IS WHY...

So today I get an e-mail from someone telling me they saw my blog mentioned in an article on USA Today.   

Curious, I asked what article he was looking at.

He came back and told me it had something to do with "Jon and Kate Plus 8" being faked and talking about Kate's sisters blog and I guess the author of the article mentioned my blog because they are one of my readers.

So the question is:  Which one of you fools is writing about me in USA Today and not letting me know?  I love seeing my name in print (I'll blog about the MSNBC post* soon).

Just let me know in the comments or drop me a line at TheOfficeScribe@yahoo.com because I spent an hour trying to track down this article with no luck.  So seeing as how Google failed me I need your help.

And to anyone else that wants to write about me, that is cool, just let me know.  I like to print things off for my mom to hang on her fridge.

~The Office Scribe

* Oh yeah, I was interviewed by MSNBC.com.  I didn't mention that?  Hmm.  Imagine that...

Reason #435 Why You Are A DB For Spending That Much On A Car

I just got home from my mom's house and aside from being hella-sore from gardening at her place I was left shaken by a few close calls on the highway.  And to make matters worse I did the 80 mile drive a propane tank in my passenger seat that I stole from mom's garage so I can finally grill something on the grill I put together a month ago.

The first glance at my life flashing before my eyes came in the form of a motorcycle driver who thought it would be fun to ride the shoulder, zipping past all the paltry cars that were forced to stay within the yellow lines.  That was, until he was right next to me which is where the shoulder came to an end due to us all entering a construction zone.  So he was forced to slam on his breaks, cut in front of me, which then forced me to slam on MY breaks and how we avoided a massive pile up I will never know.  And of course, the best thing was the lovely gesture the motorcycle guy presented me with which I am pretty sure didn't stand for "Thanks for not running me over".

Next was a run-in with the cliche of all cliches, the old lady in a Cadillac.  Seems she couldn't decide which lane she should have been in to pay the toll.  I can only assume she didn't have an iPass (Illinois's toll paying device) by the way she decided to randomly drift out of the left lane into mine; actually, into the space I was still occupying with my car.  All of this just so she could make it over to the manned toll booths.  So I managed to find my horn to warn the lady that I was in the lane and she couldn't come over.  But she must have been so anti-technology because obviously had forgotten to replace her hearing aid battery because she ignored the horn and decided to come over anyway.  Luckily at this point the shoulder had re-appeared and I was able to swerve and avoid death by fiery accident involving the exploding propane tank.

But my drive home wasn't all fear of dying and white-knuckle driving techniques.  I was cruising along, doing about 80 miles an hour in my happy little KIA Sportage, singing along with Jai Ho at volume 90 when I notice a red Ferrari pull up in the left lane next to me.  So we are both cruising along, neither one of us passing the other, glancing occasionally at the other car.  I was so pre-occupied with trying to decide if he had bought the hideous shirt he was wearing or had received it as a gift that I didn't notice the State Trooper until we had passed him.  Of course he pops his lights and whips out after us, in my lane.   I am so sure I am going to be pulled over that I start panicking that I may not have my insurance on me and wondering if it is illegal to drive with propane.  But no, the lovely Illinois State Trooper switches lanes and ends up busting the dude in the sports car.  I am sure he thought "Hmm, KIA Sportage with young woman driving or DB with slicked hair in a red Ferrari convertible?"  Actually I think about 99% of all cops would have made the same choice.  So I breathed a sigh of relief and reduced my speed, just in case karma wasn't on my side and the cop had a buddy waiting for me.

Most of the time driving is a life-or-death-Jason-Statham-movie-inspired-race-for-your-life but occasionally it is all worth it to see some DB get busted for speeding.

~The Office Scribe

Two Signs That General Mills is Coo-Coo For Cocoa Puffs

Sign Number One

Step One: Go to Google and search for General Mills Latin America

Step Two: Click on the first link, which brings you to the General Mills Latin America page.

Step Three: Scroll down to the list of countries and figure out which country doesn’t really belong. (Can’t figure it out? Then send your resume to General Mills immediately.)

Sign Number Two

Follow Steps One and Two Above

Step Three: Click on the link for Argentina

Step Four: Hide out in a cabin in the woods writing about the impending Martian war as predicted by the General Mills Latin America website. (Don’t bother clicking the link for more information – the e-mail address doesn’t work.)

I discovered these two flaws while doing a little research on General Mills yesterday (don’t ask) and now I want to know more. But sadly Trix won’t return my calls.

~The Office Scribe

The "B" in Plan B stands for BABY

Yesterday was a little crazy around my place because I was preparing for a nice little going away party for a co-worker.  Anyone who has ever thrown a party knows the drill.  Cooking, cleaning, stashing stuff in closets and under beds because you can't find a place for it, setting up the life-size Darth Vader in the shower to surprise people who feel the need to peek in there, etc, etc, etc.

Since I am so busy I generally am not paying attention to what is on TV.  But in the midst of shoving papers from my desk into the drawers the voice-over on a commercial caught my attention.

It was for one of the those morning after after pills and it had one of the most obvious introductions I have ever heard.

"The morning after your birth control fails it might feel like you're all alone.  But you're not."

Now what I am sure the Ad team was aiming for was that you are not alone because there is the option of Plan B out there.  But my mind, and I am sure the mind of every other semi-intelligent person would think, was:

OF COURSE YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  YOUR BIRTH CONTROL FAILED.  YOU ARE WITH CHILD!!!

Sometimes I think Ad Execs are so caffeined up with lattes that they don't stop and think about what they are telling to the consumer.

~ The Office Scribe

How To Tell If It Is A Slow News Day

If this is the first story that greets you when you log onto Yahoo! to check your e-mail.

I thought we were in the midst of an economic crisis. Are people just too tired of talking about it? Even so, I could think of a thousand more interesting topics to talk about instead of this.

Here are some suggestions (helpful if you are ever stuck in an elevator or need help writing a blog):
- Branson, MO Bumper stickers on BMW's
- Things people collect
- The lost art of the letter opener
- Raccoon recipes
- Can you sprain your neck? (Seriously, I think I might have yawning the other day. If you are a doctor or play one on TV let me know)
- How many toothbrushes are too many toothbrushes
- Best movie you have ever seen with Pauly Shore in it
- Does gambling on a reality TV show make it more interesting?
- Just who is Tom Collins?

It's a bit of a crazy day. I have a headache and am curing it by going to see the new Friday the 13th movie this evening. I am a glutton for pain.

~The Office Scribe

Penetrate This Mr. Madden

I was on my way into work this morning and on my local talk radio show they had someone call in who watched the Super Bowl yesterday in Arizona. Apparently, Comcast let a little blip of porn slip into the airing of the game much to the shock of viewers. I’ll be honest, I don’t think I would have been so shocked if this had been in the Chicago market because for the first time in 27 years of watching football I realized how incredibly sexual it is.

I, like many Americans who could care less about the Steelers or the Cardinals, did not attend a Super Bowl party last night. Instead I stayed at home and watched by myself while cleaning my apartment and chatting with people online. Everyone from chat rooms to Facebook pointed out, pretty much all at the same time, the overuse of the word “penetration” by Mr. John Madden. And because I have the mental aptitude of a 7 year old I got a case of the giggles.

For the next four hours every time I heard a somewhat sexual word (penetrate, tight end, induce ?) I forgot all about the game and pictured football players caught in incredulous acts of passion on the fifty yard line. Of course it didn’t help that I was playing my own little drinking game to go along with it. Though if I had been really committed I don’t think I would have be conscious for the amazing 4th quarter.

But now that the game is over I only have one question:

When does baseball season start?

~The Office Scribe

How Bad can Poligamy Be?

One of my co-workers joked to me a while back that she thought it would be a good idea if her husband took on more than one wife because it would give her some time off.  I laughed and said it made sense.

With the new season of Big Love on now the topic was brought up again and the more I think about it the more I am keen to the idea.  In this instance, my co-worker said as long as I cooked and watched sports with her (our?) husband then she would clean and do the laundry.  I damn near moved in with her with that comment.  Who wouldn't want a life like that?

My ideal guy used to be a musician, an athlete or a movie star.  Not for the money or fame, but because they would leave for extended periods of time and anyone who knows me knows I love my alone time.  But now I think I need me a guy who is already married but haas an understanding wife...

~The Office Scribe

All Work And No Play Makes Me Something, Something

In a fit of madness today I decided that one blog in my life wasn't enough and I wanted to take on the challange of two blogs. For those of you who don't know, I am also the author of a blog called Asleep Under My Desk which is all about working in an office. But sometimes I want to rant and rave about things that I encounter after I have left the place where I spend 40 hours a week. Hence this blog.

While I might not post with the regularity of my other blog (though you never know...) I promise that this will be a place where you can read about my thoughts on politics, movies, religion, global warming, Paris Hilton, Disney World, my bum knee, crazy neighbors, my new obsession with NetFlix, cooking lessons, and everything else that clogs my mind.

So welcome and enjoy. And feel free to tell me how truly warped I am. I thrive on compliments like that.

~The Office Scribe