Monday, March 23, 2009

The Tome That Is A Subway Napkin

Tonight was one of the few nights where I didn't want to cook dinner.  So I was lazy and stopped at my neighborhood Subway and picked up and Italian BMT, some chips and a Cherry Coke.

While sitting at my desk, happily munching away, I couldn't help but noticed that Subway napkins have a LOT of writing on them...


All this information on calories and how McDonalds and Burger King will kill you faster than Subway will.  I almost pulled out a calculator and figured out how many calories were in my sandwich.  Except and Italian BMT wasn't on the list which is sad because it is the best sandwich Subway can make.

But seriously, what is with all the writing?  It is something that you wipe the extra mayo that leaked out of your sandwich on.

What next?  Shakespeare on Charmin?

~The Office Scribe

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Saturday Boredom Courtesy of the USPS

Last Tuesday said they had received the following 3 DVD's*:

- MST3K: Teenage Strangler
- Across the Universe
- State and Main

They informed me that the following DVD's would be shipped out**:

-MST3K: Eegahh!
- Mamma Mia!
- Arrested Development Season 1, Disc 1

Now seeing as I live outside of Chicago which puts me close to a NetFlix distribution center, I normally get my DVD's the next day.

When did I receive the above mentioned DVD's?

Today which is Saturday which is four days after I should have received them.

And since I know NetFlix would not screw me over like this, there is only one entity to blame:



And considering the weather around here has been beautiful lately that can't be a reason.

I am disappointed in you and your eagle emblem...

~The Office Scribe

* Don't judge me based on the movies I returned...I'll watch anything


** But you might be able to judge me based on these movies, who knows.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Want Me To Scrub Your Back Lord Vader?

Whenever I have a party at my house I like to put a little note in the shower because over the years I have learned that party guests always look behind shower curtains.

Two reasons for this odd behavior:

1)  They are super curious and want to see what kind of shampoo I use

2) They believe a serial killer might be hiding in there because they have seen one too many movies...

The last party I had, which has an eighties theme, I decided to put someone from the 1980's in my shower.


Because how many people can say they have shared a shower with Darth Vader?

Aside from the Emperor of course...

~The Office Scribe

Sunday, March 8, 2009

The "B" in Plan B stands for BABY

Yesterday was a little crazy around my place because I was preparing for a nice little going away party for a co-worker.  Anyone who has ever thrown a party knows the drill.  Cooking, cleaning, stashing stuff in closets and under beds because you can't find a place for it, setting up the life-size Darth Vader in the shower to surprise people who feel the need to peek in there, etc, etc, etc.

Since I am so busy I generally am not paying attention to what is on TV.  But in the midst of shoving papers from my desk into the drawers the voice-over on a commercial caught my attention.

It was for one of the those morning after after pills and it had one of the most obvious introductions I have ever heard.

"The morning after your birth control fails it might feel like you're all alone.  But you're not."

Now what I am sure the Ad team was aiming for was that you are not alone because there is the option of Plan B out there.  But my mind, and I am sure the mind of every other semi-intelligent person would think, was:

OF COURSE YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  YOUR BIRTH CONTROL FAILED.  YOU ARE WITH CHILD!!!

Sometimes I think Ad Execs are so caffeined up with lattes that they don't stop and think about what they are telling to the consumer.

~ The Office Scribe

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

So Bad I Would Have Walked Out of My Living Room

I think I have walked out on one movie in my life.  It was the movie Loser and it was so painful that me and like the 17 people I was with all just up and left when we couldn't take it any longer. 

I am such a movie fan that a movie has to be pretty bad for me to stop watching.  Which is why I am a bit perplexed about my movie choices lately.  While I am careful with what I order from NetFlix, I am not so discerning when it comes to what I watch on ON DEMAND for free.  The past few days I have seen a few titles that I thought "Hey, it's better than watching reality TV" and turned on, only to stop watching after 20 minutes or so.

Fist Up: Resurrection Mary

I was pretty excited when I saw this movie was on since it is based on one of my favorite ghost tales from the Chicago area.  Unfortunately this low-budget blooper didn't do the story any justice and I never made it past the first act.

Second Movie:  Be Kind, Rewind


Rarely can you go wrong with a Jack Black movie.  And throw in the quality that is Mos Def, some Danny Glover and the chick that used to be married to Woody Allen and it's gold.  Unless you package it all together into this atrocity about re-filming VHS movies after a magnetized Jack Black erased them all.  Too bad they didn't follow their own plot and do so with this.

Third Movie:  Over Her Dead Body


I love Paul Rudd.  I have a total crush on him.  Especially when he is running with with Apatow crowd.  But sadly I don't think he is cut out to be a leading man, which he proves in this movie.  Of course, trying to picture Mr. Adorable with a bitchy Eva Longoria Parker didn't help the plot.


Come on Hollywood!  Why are you greenlighting crap like this when there are thousands of better ideas out there?  Send me a self addressed stamped envelope and I will prove it to you by sending you one of my scripts which you can make into a movie and I will give you my guarantee that it will earn more money than these four combined.

~The Office Scribe

Sunday, March 1, 2009

What Does Jack Dempsey Have To Do With Bibles on the Blue Line?

Oh, I'll tell you.  But let me set this up a bit.

Every year for the past three years my friends and I have gone and seen the Dropkick Murphys around St. Patricks Day.  (Oh, and yes - three years officially makes it a tradition.)  So last night was when they were in town so we went to see them.  It was decided that since we are too old to stand in line and then watch an opening act we would hit up a place for dinner before going to the show.

So being the economically strapped people that we are we decided to hop on Chicago's Blue Line and head up to the Bucktown area.  We had no sooner descended into the depths of the subway station when my ever alert friend Kate noticed that there were a couple men standing on the platform with bibles, so she wisely instructed us to stay away from them because we were not in the mood for a religious lecture.  (Did I mention that I have known all these friends since high school?  A Catholic high school?  Yeah, we are all religioned up.)

One of the men was a quiet Black man who we would later come to find out was named Ronnie.  The other man reminded me of Brendan Gleason from such movies as 28 Days Later and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.  Mr. Gleason was decked out in a tweed trench coat which will come into play later in this novella.

So a few moments go by and the platform is relatively quiet when Mr. Gleason starts in on his little spiel.  A spiel that started with the following statement:

Folks, Ronnie and I would like to tell you about the word of Jesus Christ.

It was at this moment that I started to twitch.  See, when I go out to concerts and clubs I forgo the purse and just stash my wallet in my pocket.  Which means that I had ventured out into the city without any paper or pencils to record this wonderful event on.  Luckily, Kate had pretty pink PostIt notes and a pen so I could document the whole scene.

Well Mr. Gleason, with an occasional chime in from Ronnie, goes all Holy Ghost on the train platform.  He is really getting into his speech, gesticulating with his bible in hand and proclaiming the word of the Lord and Savior, JC.  I was doing my best to control my giggling and glances because I didn't want to embaress the poor man when he was only trying to share his knowledge with the world.

But I was drawn to look at him when I noticed he went a little quiet on us.  A young man with a backpack had appreached him, and while I didn't hear the question asked I heard the answer which was:

"I know, isn't this tweed jacket wonderful?"

Mr. Gleason then launched into the story of his tweed jacket.  Turns out, that before he became a Subway Saint Mr. Gleason had a career as an auctioneer.  And one day, he was auctioning off all the possesions owned by some guy (why I didn't hear the reason) when he spotted the jacket amongst the stuff.  He told the guy he would sell all his stuff but that jacket, which he would buy himself.  Well, the seller told him how his dad used to be the sparing partner of Jack Dempsey at some boxing gym in Indiana and the great Jack Dempsey had literally given his father the jacket off his back.

This story impressed myself, the guy with the backpack, and my friends Stubbs and Kate.

Perhaps not the guy standing next to us though who had what Kate described as "delicious" looking smoothie.

As the train finally pulled into the station I head Mr. Gleason ask the guy with the backpack if he was an athiest.  But sadly, the Blue Line waits for no woman and I was forced to miss the end of the conversation.

But the weirdness that was my Saturday night did not end there.  Here's a recap:

- As soon as we got to the pizza place an octogenarian hit on Kate and was shut down by his grandson.

- I rode to and from the concert in the back of an amazingly clean Suburu Forrester, crouched down so no cops would see me and pull us over.  When we got to the concert we backed in and couldn't open the back hatch, so the escape from the car I had to launch myself over the back seats.  It was very graceful.

- Heard a woman use "cocksucker" on the phone with her boyfriend while we were buying Shamrock Shakes.

- My friends threatened to leave me in the back of the car at McDonalds so I retorted with the threat to eat all the leftover pizza before they got back.  Sure, I would have puked but it would have been worth it.

- While waiting in line for the bathroom I saw a chick that had to be 6 foot tall and like 300 lbs.  The woman behind me and I were in complete and utter awe.

- I almost got into a fight over Jim Thome.

- Fell asleep to the dulcet tones of what I thought was the soundtrack to Backdraft 2.  Seriously, I thought the Great Chicago Fire had started all over again.

So I guess all in all it was a pretty fun Saturday night.  Good thing there's another one next weekend...

~The Office Scribe