Not The Smoothest Line I've Heard...

Last night my friend Stubbs and I went to go see "Up In The Air" and then grab a bite to eat.  I intended to spend today writing a clever review about the movie, which was also clever, but instead decided that what happened after the movie would make for a far more interesting blog post.

The movie ended around 8:30 so my friend and I headed over to a new brewery/restaurant which had just opened.  The place was jammed with people (it being new and a Saturday night) so we put our names down for a table and headed to grab a beer in the bar.  One of the greatest things about micro breweries is that they make their own beer in small batches which are phenomenal compared to macro brewed beers.  I looked at the list and settled on an IBA, which is a hybrid between an American Brown Ale and an India Pale Ale.  It was quite tasty.

While we were chatting and sipping on the tasty brews, a guy approached us.  The first thing I noticed was the rockin' neck tribal neck tattoo which curled oh-so gracefully up and around his ear.  The second thing I noticed was that he was walking with a swagger one only gets after imbibing in a few too many beers.

Mr. Sophisticated, in his leather motocross jacket, was trying his best to engage us in conversation, but failed miserably on so many levels I'm sure he would have needed an elevator to make it back to his starting position.

FAIL #1
- Aside from the neck tattoo and the hideous jacket, his ensemble was completed by a scruffy goatee and a t-shirt which may or may not have been the popular (if only for mocking) Mountain Three Wolf Moon one which I can say he was not rockin' in an ironic, hipster way. (BTW - If you have some time on your hands, sit back and read some of the reviews for this shirt.  They are spectacular.)

FAIL #2
- He came up and asked us for a light.  Okay, now I have had guys use, this as a line on me before, but it is usually while standing outside, possibly with people who are smoking.  Not generally while inside a bar.  And by the way that line is much better when delivered by a girl to a guy.  There is nothing chivalrous about a chick having to dig into her purse to find a light for you.

FAIL #3
- Repetition.  This guy must have said "This is the first time I have been to this bar" or another variation on that statement about 12 times within the first 10 minutes of talking to him.  If you say something to a girl once and she doesn't comment back, you can repeat it,  just in case she didn't hear you.  Shouting it at her constantly = not cool.

FAIL #4
- He kept telling us he was trouble.  Guys who are really bad boys don't feel the need to go around and tell everyone.  And when we asked him why, his answer was "because I am."  Gentlemen - Because is never an answer, or at least one which will keep the ladies interested.

FAIL #5
- We are at a microbrewery and he was drinking Miller Lite.  (((shudder))))

FAIL #6
- Have I mentioned that he did some time in the big house?  Oh, yeah, cause he did.  He felt the need to tell 2 strange females about how he hasn't been out lately because he was in jail for 13 years.  Why?  Oh, believe me, I asked.  Turns out, he went all "badass on a cop".  Guess what.  I like cops. (And firemen - yum)  So I was not super impressed that he was put in the slammer because he is a douche bag.

So, I did what any girl in my situation would do.  I started to convince him I may or may not be a serial killer.  That's right ladies, you want a douchey -drunk- hillbilly to leave you alone.  Tell him you like to tie people up, then cut them into pieces and dispose of the evidence in a swamp.

Or you could just pray that you table pager goes off and you can escape from the insanity.

The choice is yours.

~ The Office Scribe

Beware The Sangria Monster - A New Year's Tale

According to Twitter last night was New Year's Eve, which explains why I found myself in downtown Chicago with an overnight bag and bottles of liquor.  My friend decided to have a party at her condo because at our advanced age (I'll be 28 in February) the idea of hanging out in a crowded bar and paying $8 for a beer just doesn't seem to have the appeal it used to.

Everyone who came to the party had to wear pajamas, which is possibly the best theme for a party I have ever been too.  No tight clothing.  No high heals.  No overdone makeup.  Just cute flannel PJ's and fuzzy slippers.

My friend was all ambitious and everything and decided to make Sangria from scratch.  She even had it in a cool glass jar so you could see the fruit floating like little jewels in the red wine.  Some of the first people who drank it said it seemed a little strong.  Others of us didn't think so - which says all kinds of things about our alcohol tolerance. Anyway, we quickly drained the jar and decided to make a second batch.  I had switched to Coronas at this point but you would have thought this Sangria was the cure to all of lifes problems.  People were so into this drink that when the second batch was gone they just began eating the alcohol ladden fruit.


I can't imagine how the Sangria people feel this morning, because one of the worst headaches you can have is from over consumption of wine.  (Personally, I feel fine this morning except for the ache where I think I pulled a muscle while dancing and a sore throat from singing "Love Song" like Louis Armstrong.)

But I think the worst damage that the Sangria monster did last night was the the kitchen countertops.  There was sticky red marks all over my friends white counters, which would not come off even with the most vigorous of scrubbing.  She will need to pour about half a bottle of bleach on those stains so people who come over don't think she slaughters her own poultry.

All in all it was a fun New Year's Eve but now I need a shower, a nap, and a venti quad nonfat latte from Starbucks before I can be my usual charming self.

~ The Office Scribe

A Unique Psychic Ability

It was 2:30 AM on Sunday morning and the craving for some Chicken McNuggets hit my friends and I as we were leaving a bar in Chicago.  It was a lovely night out, fellow drunks out in droves, like us, in search of late night nibbles.

So over the the Rock-in-Roll McDonalds we headed and each ordered a #10.  Instead of walking and eating we thought we would take a load off and consume our tasty food while it was still hot.

About 4 nuggets in my friend Kate notices a highly inebriated young man who can barely hold his head up.  His friends are trying to keep him upright and feed him some food in what I can only assume is some sort of attempt at sobering him up.

So Kate says, "That guy is going to puke."

No sooner had the words left her mouth than the guy heaved and decorated the tile floor of the Mickey D's with stomach acid, beer, and what appeared to be Goldfish crackers.

His friends wisely dragged him off to the bathroom while the employees of the McDonald's were left to clean it up.  (Which they did rather quickly and without complaint.)

Now only if Kate could harness that predicting power into winning us some money in the lottery instead of just knowing when drunks were going to puke we could rule the world.

~  The Office Scribe

Oh, and yes, we did stay at the table about 10 feet away and finish our food.  What?  We were hungry!

Why My Liver Hates "Twilight"

Did you happen to catch the MTV Movie Awards this evening? (Which are still going on because awards shows go one for WWWAAAAYYYY too long...)

I did.  And before you go all judgemental on me for watching them know that I do so because of the previews for the movies that are coming out.  But the one movie I was not looking forward to the preview of "New Moon".

(Note: I tried to find a poster for this movie but all I could find were crappy ones made by fans with lackluster PhotoShop skills.)

In case you have been living under a rock or perhaps attending a Mensa meeting for the past year or so, "New Moon" is the sequel to "Twilight"; that movie about disco ball vampires in the Pacific Northwest.  Well it is much anticipated and a lot of people were tuning into tonight show in order to see the clip from the new movie.

So I knew there would be some chatter about the movie but dammit, I didn't expect the title of the movie to be mentioned every three seconds.  It was like a two-hour commercial for "Twilight".  If I had been playing the MTV Movie Awards "Twilight" Drinking Game I would be dead from alcohol poisoning right now.

Which might be better than having to put up with through the hype for the movies for books three and four...

~The Office Scribe