Sunday, January 31, 2010

Sometimes You Just Can't Be Bothered

A short story about how bloody lazy I was on Friday...

Sometimes I spend the weekend at my mom's place, which means I leave straight after work and head an hour and a half north.

Last Friday, I was 45 minutes into my drive and suddenly couldn't remember if I had turned my humidifier off.  And the cheapass one I bought doesn't have an auto switch off.  Which means, when it runs out of water the heating element stays out.  This could possibly cause a fire.

So I turned around and went back home to check, right?

Nope.  I kept driving with the belief that if my apartment started to burn the management company would call me.

Seriously, I checked my phone about a dozen times this weekend, sure I was going to have a message from them saying "We aren't sure how it started but the entire building is gone.  And we think it originated in your unit."

Luckily, that call never came and when I came home today I did, in fact, turn the thing off.

My god I need to sort out my priorities.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, January 25, 2010

Slots That Need Filling

For Christmas my mom bought me one of these:

Problem was, my knife block was already full.

So for my birthday (which is in like a week or so) she bought me this:

The problem is, now I have about 8 empty slots.

Oh whatever will I find to fill my slot?

Come on people, this is ripe for comments.

~ The Office Scribe

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Not The Smoothest Line I've Heard...

Last night my friend Stubbs and I went to go see "Up In The Air" and then grab a bite to eat.  I intended to spend today writing a clever review about the movie, which was also clever, but instead decided that what happened after the movie would make for a far more interesting blog post.

The movie ended around 8:30 so my friend and I headed over to a new brewery/restaurant which had just opened.  The place was jammed with people (it being new and a Saturday night) so we put our names down for a table and headed to grab a beer in the bar.  One of the greatest things about micro breweries is that they make their own beer in small batches which are phenomenal compared to macro brewed beers.  I looked at the list and settled on an IBA, which is a hybrid between an American Brown Ale and an India Pale Ale.  It was quite tasty.

While we were chatting and sipping on the tasty brews, a guy approached us.  The first thing I noticed was the rockin' neck tribal neck tattoo which curled oh-so gracefully up and around his ear.  The second thing I noticed was that he was walking with a swagger one only gets after imbibing in a few too many beers.

Mr. Sophisticated, in his leather motocross jacket, was trying his best to engage us in conversation, but failed miserably on so many levels I'm sure he would have needed an elevator to make it back to his starting position.

- Aside from the neck tattoo and the hideous jacket, his ensemble was completed by a scruffy goatee and a t-shirt which may or may not have been the popular (if only for mocking) Mountain Three Wolf Moon one which I can say he was not rockin' in an ironic, hipster way. (BTW - If you have some time on your hands, sit back and read some of the reviews for this shirt.  They are spectacular.)

- He came up and asked us for a light.  Okay, now I have had guys use, this as a line on me before, but it is usually while standing outside, possibly with people who are smoking.  Not generally while inside a bar.  And by the way that line is much better when delivered by a girl to a guy.  There is nothing chivalrous about a chick having to dig into her purse to find a light for you.

- Repetition.  This guy must have said "This is the first time I have been to this bar" or another variation on that statement about 12 times within the first 10 minutes of talking to him.  If you say something to a girl once and she doesn't comment back, you can repeat it,  just in case she didn't hear you.  Shouting it at her constantly = not cool.

- He kept telling us he was trouble.  Guys who are really bad boys don't feel the need to go around and tell everyone.  And when we asked him why, his answer was "because I am."  Gentlemen - Because is never an answer, or at least one which will keep the ladies interested.

- We are at a microbrewery and he was drinking Miller Lite.  (((shudder))))

- Have I mentioned that he did some time in the big house?  Oh, yeah, cause he did.  He felt the need to tell 2 strange females about how he hasn't been out lately because he was in jail for 13 years.  Why?  Oh, believe me, I asked.  Turns out, he went all "badass on a cop".  Guess what.  I like cops. (And firemen - yum)  So I was not super impressed that he was put in the slammer because he is a douche bag.

So, I did what any girl in my situation would do.  I started to convince him I may or may not be a serial killer.  That's right ladies, you want a douchey -drunk- hillbilly to leave you alone.  Tell him you like to tie people up, then cut them into pieces and dispose of the evidence in a swamp.

Or you could just pray that you table pager goes off and you can escape from the insanity.

The choice is yours.

~ The Office Scribe

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Evidence That I Need To Go Grocery Shopping

Did you ever see the movie Fight Club?  Well, if not, you were someone not breathing in the late 90s but I digress.  Anyhow, there is a part in the movie where Edward Norton's characters apartment blows up and he comments on the sad condition of the contents of his fridge.

Narrator: A house full of condiments and no food... how embarrassing. 

This is the quote that popped into my head today as I cleaned out my fridge.  I decided to do so because I noticed this morning when I went to make breakfast that the eggs had expired in November and the heavy cream I was going to put in my coffee had become a solid.

Here is a walk through what is currently in the fridge, after I cleaned it out.

Veggies & Fruit:

You'll first notice that there are no vegetable or fruit in the designated drawers.  This isn't because I don't like fruits and veggies.  It's just that those are the first things that rot when you don't use them in a few days.  So to save food and money, I usually only keep frozen veggies in my place.  And I do have some oranges in a basket on my counter.  I have been eating about 3 a day so they won't go bad.  This means I have so much Vitamin C pumping through my system there is no way in hell I will ever get swine Flu.


I have a friend that says you can tell if a fridge is owned by a female in their 20s because it only has beverages in it.  Normally, this is true.  But when I cleaned out the fridge I found some Jager, a bottle of Reisling, and these three cans of beer which I can only assume (i.e. pray to god) were left over from some party I had where were ran out of good beer and switched to (gag) Busch Light.

BBQ Sauce:

I bought this GIANT bottle of BBQ sauce sometime last summer and it's a good thing that BBQ sauce has an expiration date similar to the half life of Plutonium, because this thing is going to last me for years.  But it was so cheap!


I have a LOT of butter in my fridge.  And nothing to put butter on.  You know how sometimes people with OCD always have to buy something.  I think in my case it is butter.  It's like I see it on sale and think "This is a fabulous price!  I can't not buy butter!"  Call Dr. Drew because I might need an intervention.


Yeah, in this photo you can see, in addition to my butter cache and the aforementioned random alcohol, a lot of condiments, which are generally applied to food, which I don't have.  It's like an I Spy came.  Can you find the following:
- 2 jars of Mayo with Olive Oil
- Hoisin Sauce
- Real Maple Syrup (which I only use in a heart attack recipe called Baconey Goodness)
- Franks Hot Sauce
- International Delights Coffee Creamers
- Minced Garlic
- Mango Chutney

So as soon as I am finished writing this I am making out a grocery list so they don't find my corpse after I choke on a concoction made from parmesan cheese and Red Bull.

~ The Office Scribe

Saturday, January 9, 2010

I Don't Think I'm An Avatard

The movie with the biggest buzz of the year and I didn't really want to see it.  Odd?  Yes, considering I am a glutton for anything cinematic.  I saw the trailers and watched the HBO making of the movie special.  And while I was extremely impressed with the way in which the movie was filmed, it still didn't make me want to see it.

But then Chris, my friend I have known since high school and who I love to go to movies with, asked if I wanted to go see it this past week.  So I succumbed and agreed to see the movie.  We decided to go big or go home and went to see it on the IMAX in 3D. (Luckily I live like 5 minutes from a theater which shows it in this format.)  And while the tickets were $15 (yowza!) Chris paid for mine as part of my birthday present from last year.

So here are my thoughts on Avatar, in no particular order:

- The 3D glasses they made us wear not only made us look like Harey Carey after a bender but made my eyes hurt so much the next day I don't think I will ever watch a movie in 3D again.  Thanks Avatar for ruining The Amityville Horror 3 for me.

- The visuals in the movie were breathtaking, even if they forest floor of the planet Pandora was made from the same material as a disco floor.

- I understand that some of the scenes were dramatic but just as I was about to get into the story I realized that the drama was being played out by 11 foot blue people and I dissolved into giggles.

- Sigourney Weaver, who is an amazing actress, was the best part of the movie by far.  Except when she was a blue person dressed like someone from the Stanford Ultimate Frisbee Team.

- Sam Worthington is hot but his legs were wicked skinny.  I really REALLY hope that they were digitally wilted because otherwise that guy has some chicken legs.

- I get the connection with Aliens, but did we really need to see the walking robot suits again?  Made me think Mr Cameron was running out of ideas.

- I was a little uncomfortable with all the blue nudity.  Why is it that humans seem to be the only species in the universe to have invented chinos?

- Trying to read subtitles for a made-up language while wearing 3D glasses is not easy.

- That was one big ass tree.

- I had a brief panic attack at the end of the movie when the credits began to roll because I thought Celine Dion was singing and I started to have a horrible Titanic flashback.

So, in conclusion, it was a pretty movie but with a basic, predictable plot which won't do well on video since the format to see it in is big screen.  I tell people to not see it in 3D since it isn't that 3D-ish.

Or you could scrap it all together and just watch old episodes of The Smurfs because they at least had a sweet villain.

I give it 5 out of 10 paperclips.

~ The Office Scribe

Monday, January 4, 2010

I Mean, Aside From The Costume...

While at my mom's house this weekend I re-watched the entire series of Aeon Flux (calm down people, there were only 10 episodes...).  And then I watched the 2005 movie.

I came to the conclusion that there was one glaring difference between the TV show and the movie.

A plot.

See, the TV show didn't really have a plot, aside from Aeon being a badass and Trevor wanting her badass.  The movie had a beginning, middle, and an end.

But still, I liked the TV show better.  Perhaps it's because I loved watching it on MTV while I babysat (I didn't have cable).  Or because it was so different from anything else on TV.  Chances are it was more like because I liked not exactly knowing what was going on.  And because I wanted to be Aeon when I grew up (still working on that....)

So MTV - Stop showing us countless reruns of "The Hills" or "The City" or whatever other douche bag and dumbass filled show you are putting on instead of music videos or something even remotely entertaining.

Because I think Jay and Silent Bob said it best.

Good thoughts boys.

~ The Office Scribe

Friday, January 1, 2010

Beware The Sangria Monster - A New Year's Tale

According to Twitter last night was New Year's Eve, which explains why I found myself in downtown Chicago with an overnight bag and bottles of liquor.  My friend decided to have a party at her condo because at our advanced age (I'll be 28 in February) the idea of hanging out in a crowded bar and paying $8 for a beer just doesn't seem to have the appeal it used to.

Everyone who came to the party had to wear pajamas, which is possibly the best theme for a party I have ever been too.  No tight clothing.  No high heals.  No overdone makeup.  Just cute flannel PJ's and fuzzy slippers.

My friend was all ambitious and everything and decided to make Sangria from scratch.  She even had it in a cool glass jar so you could see the fruit floating like little jewels in the red wine.  Some of the first people who drank it said it seemed a little strong.  Others of us didn't think so - which says all kinds of things about our alcohol tolerance. Anyway, we quickly drained the jar and decided to make a second batch.  I had switched to Coronas at this point but you would have thought this Sangria was the cure to all of lifes problems.  People were so into this drink that when the second batch was gone they just began eating the alcohol ladden fruit.

I can't imagine how the Sangria people feel this morning, because one of the worst headaches you can have is from over consumption of wine.  (Personally, I feel fine this morning except for the ache where I think I pulled a muscle while dancing and a sore throat from singing "Love Song" like Louis Armstrong.)

But I think the worst damage that the Sangria monster did last night was the the kitchen countertops.  There was sticky red marks all over my friends white counters, which would not come off even with the most vigorous of scrubbing.  She will need to pour about half a bottle of bleach on those stains so people who come over don't think she slaughters her own poultry.

All in all it was a fun New Year's Eve but now I need a shower, a nap, and a venti quad nonfat latte from Starbucks before I can be my usual charming self.

~ The Office Scribe