Sometimes You Just Can't Be Bothered

A short story about how bloody lazy I was on Friday...

Sometimes I spend the weekend at my mom's place, which means I leave straight after work and head an hour and a half north.

Last Friday, I was 45 minutes into my drive and suddenly couldn't remember if I had turned my humidifier off.  And the cheapass one I bought doesn't have an auto switch off.  Which means, when it runs out of water the heating element stays out.  This could possibly cause a fire.

So I turned around and went back home to check, right?

Nope.  I kept driving with the belief that if my apartment started to burn the management company would call me.

Seriously, I checked my phone about a dozen times this weekend, sure I was going to have a message from them saying "We aren't sure how it started but the entire building is gone.  And we think it originated in your unit."

Luckily, that call never came and when I came home today I did, in fact, turn the thing off.

My god I need to sort out my priorities.

~ The Office Scribe

Slots That Need Filling

For Christmas my mom bought me one of these:

Problem was, my knife block was already full.

So for my birthday (which is in like a week or so) she bought me this:

The problem is, now I have about 8 empty slots.

Oh whatever will I find to fill my slot?

Come on people, this is ripe for comments.

~ The Office Scribe

Evidence That I Need To Go Grocery Shopping

Did you ever see the movie Fight Club?  Well, if not, you were someone not breathing in the late 90s but I digress.  Anyhow, there is a part in the movie where Edward Norton's characters apartment blows up and he comments on the sad condition of the contents of his fridge.

Narrator: A house full of condiments and no food... how embarrassing. 

This is the quote that popped into my head today as I cleaned out my fridge.  I decided to do so because I noticed this morning when I went to make breakfast that the eggs had expired in November and the heavy cream I was going to put in my coffee had become a solid.

Here is a walk through what is currently in the fridge, after I cleaned it out.

Veggies & Fruit:

You'll first notice that there are no vegetable or fruit in the designated drawers.  This isn't because I don't like fruits and veggies.  It's just that those are the first things that rot when you don't use them in a few days.  So to save food and money, I usually only keep frozen veggies in my place.  And I do have some oranges in a basket on my counter.  I have been eating about 3 a day so they won't go bad.  This means I have so much Vitamin C pumping through my system there is no way in hell I will ever get swine Flu.

Beverages:

I have a friend that says you can tell if a fridge is owned by a female in their 20s because it only has beverages in it.  Normally, this is true.  But when I cleaned out the fridge I found some Jager, a bottle of Reisling, and these three cans of beer which I can only assume (i.e. pray to god) were left over from some party I had where were ran out of good beer and switched to (gag) Busch Light.

BBQ Sauce:

I bought this GIANT bottle of BBQ sauce sometime last summer and it's a good thing that BBQ sauce has an expiration date similar to the half life of Plutonium, because this thing is going to last me for years.  But it was so cheap!

Butter:

I have a LOT of butter in my fridge.  And nothing to put butter on.  You know how sometimes people with OCD always have to buy something.  I think in my case it is butter.  It's like I see it on sale and think "This is a fabulous price!  I can't not buy butter!"  Call Dr. Drew because I might need an intervention.

Condiments:

Yeah, in this photo you can see, in addition to my butter cache and the aforementioned random alcohol, a lot of condiments, which are generally applied to food, which I don't have.  It's like an I Spy came.  Can you find the following:

- 2 jars of Mayo with Olive Oil

- Hoisin Sauce

- Real Maple Syrup (which I only use in a heart attack recipe called Baconey Goodness)

- Franks Hot Sauce

- International Delights Coffee Creamers

- Minced Garlic

- Mango Chutney

So as soon as I am finished writing this I am making out a grocery list so they don't find my corpse after I choke on a concoction made from parmesan cheese and Red Bull.

~ The Office Scribe

Possible Reasons My Neighbors Are Running Their AC On A Cool Day

The weather in Chicago has been kinda loopy lately.  One week it will be hot and humid and the next week everyone is wearing a jacket and carrying umbrellas.  For the past week or so it has been a nice cool 65-75 degree, though it is supposed to warm up this weekend.

But what confuses me is why the people who live in the condo above me are running their AC unit.  It has been running steady for I would say about the past two months.  When they turned it on I was still covering my plants at night afraid they might die from frost.  This is something that has been bothering me; wondering why they are running their AC so much.  Personally I went all last summer without turning it on once and I plan to do so this summer (The house I grew up in didn't have it so I am not used to it.)

So I did the only logical thing I could do - came up with a list of possible reasons as to why they are running their AC when it isn't hot outside.

THEY ARE FROM THE ARCTIC CIRCLE

- There they were, a happy couple all snug in their igloo until Chptah got a transfer to the Chicago suburbs where they can't deal with the heat.  So the only relief he can find is in the comfort of the magical cold box which reminds him so much of home.

SOMEONE ELSE PAYS THEIR COM-ED BILL

- Seriously, I don't even want to know how much higher their electric bill might be than mine.  Aside from not liking AC one of the reasons I don't turn it on is because I don't want to spend the money to run it.  If this thing has been running 24-7 for 60 days I can only assume they have found themselves some sort of Utility Sugar Daddy.  Personally I would have mine pay for cable, but to each his own.

THEY SUFFER FROM COLIC

- Even though they are grown ups they still need the hum of a piece of machinery to sooth them to sleep.  And since the washer and dryer are harder to curl up on, the AC unit was the next logical choice.

THEY SELL EXOTIC MEATS

- Much like the movie "The Freshman", sometimes people want to eat Siberian Tiger or Komodo Dragon.  And since neither of those will fit into a Frigidaire then the only way to keep all that pricey, illegal meat fresh is to drop the temp of your apartment down to freezing.

DEAD BODIES

- Honestly, this was the first place my mind went because, well, that is how my mind works.  I am sure, like the dragon meat, they need to keep the place cool so no one smells the rotting corpses.  Now, I am not saying they killed anyone, hell, it might be some way to scam insurance or social security, but I am like 89% there is a non-breathing body up there.

What do you think?

~ The Office Scribe

Who Knew Chewbacca Lived In A Condo?

Now let me just say, I am a sports fan.  I love the Chicago White Sox.  During the fall I wear blue and orange to support the bears.  And every 2-4 years I am glued to the TV watching "athletes" compete in such feats as curling, the luge, and synchronized swimming.

But when I hear people get so pumped up about sports that it borders on bothersome, something needs to be done.

I am (--this--) close to climbing up the balconies of the condo building next to mine spider monkey style and cutting the cable to the apartment that belongs to the Wookie.

Why do I call him the Wookie?

Because almost everyday he is watching what I can only assume to be a Cubs game (I channel surf to see what it might be) and bellowing like a walrus in heat.  I have been swept up in the passion of a good baseball game from time to time where I have been known to hoot and holler a bit, but good lord man!  I am sitting quietly in my apartment, glued to my new TV, and there is a silence shattering noise which cuts through the night - a loud, deep noise that sounds like a chupa cabra in mourning.

So now I have neighbors who have loud nookie and a wookie.

What's next?

No, seriously, what do you think is next?  I want to be prepared...

~ The Office Scribe

* Okay, I grabbed this picture off a random Google Image Search because it was Chewy at a baseball game and I found it fitting.  But then I had to giggle because it looks like the Han wanna-be laid an egg and Chewy is throwing those, possibly at the Death Star.

911 or Penthouse Letters?

So here I am, just chilling out at my desk, doing some much needed writing when I start to hear what can only be described as a string of impassioned "No! No! No!"'s coming from another condo.

Of course, then the dark side of me thinks perhaps they were being stabbed to death.  (I know, this is what I get for watching 3 seasons of "Bones" in a few weeks."

So the questions is:  Do I call 911 or write a letter to Penthouse?

As of right now the noise stopped, but I bet it went on for a good 2-3 minutes.  And just when I would think "Something sounds wrong" the tone would change and I know my pasty Irish ass was blushing.

The main reason I am not that concerned is that several other neighbors were walking into the building and unless they were members of the deaf family on the 4th floor they had to have heard it and didn't seem that concerned.  So I guess I will un-mute my TV and just go back to writing.

~The Office Scribe

There Is No Dana Only Zool... In My Fridge

Okay, sometimes I hear noises coming from my fridge.  And not like the sound of the compressor turning on, but like of things falling over or moving.  Sure, I could assume that it is just a random bag of asparagus falling over, but one day I am convinced that I am going to open my fridge and see something like this:

And will I panic?

No, I will just be stoked that a childhood fantasy has come true!

~The Office Scribe

Bonus points if eggs start jumping out of the carton and cooking themselves on my counter like I live in a Benihana!!!

Living Green

I either live in the greenest building in North America or people just don't believe in throwing out their garbage.

I live in the condo unit closest to the garbage chute and I NEVER see anyone put anything in there.  And I don't spend all my time with my face pressed up against the peep hole spying on my neighbors (I only do that about 4 hours a day) but in the year plus I have lived here you would think I would have seen someone else put something in there.  But alas I seem to be the only person living here to create trash.

And I doubt that they are being all nice to the cleaning crew by taking stuff straight out the dumpster.  Because (A) I don't think people are that nice and (B) there are raccoons the size of Buicks that live in them and I know I don't want to come face to face with them.

I watch them carry the fruits of their shopping labors into the building, so I just want to know, where does the trash go?

~ The Office Scribe

Want Me To Scrub Your Back Lord Vader?

Whenever I have a party at my house I like to put a little note in the shower because over the years I have learned that party guests always look behind shower curtains.

Two reasons for this odd behavior:

1)  They are super curious and want to see what kind of shampoo I use

2) They believe a serial killer might be hiding in there because they have seen one too many movies...

The last party I had, which has an eighties theme, I decided to put someone from the 1980's in my shower.

Because how many people can say they have shared a shower with Darth Vader?

Aside from the Emperor of course...

~The Office Scribe

Have you ever....

...been watching a movie n HBO and started to go about doing chores, lost track of time and the next thing you know Real Sports with Bob Costas is on and you are completely confused?

Yeah, that's what happened to me today.

~The Office Scribe