A Total "Eclipse" of My Sanity

I have been joking recently that stress at work may cause me to lose my mind before the stockings are hung by the chimney with care.

Last night was the first sign that my psyche is waning - I watched "Eclipse".

Well, first I watched "Die Hard".  And after I watched "Super Troopers".

So I guess I am not a lost cause yet.

Or am I?

~ The Office Scribe

Hollywood Has No Idea What A Persian Looks Like

When I hear the word Persian, the first thing I think of is this:

Then maybe followed by this:

I don't think this:

Or this:

Take note Hollywood.  Take note.

~ The Office Scribe

I Don't Think I'm An Avatard

The movie with the biggest buzz of the year and I didn't really want to see it.  Odd?  Yes, considering I am a glutton for anything cinematic.  I saw the trailers and watched the HBO making of the movie special.  And while I was extremely impressed with the way in which the movie was filmed, it still didn't make me want to see it.

But then Chris, my friend I have known since high school and who I love to go to movies with, asked if I wanted to go see it this past week.  So I succumbed and agreed to see the movie.  We decided to go big or go home and went to see it on the IMAX in 3D. (Luckily I live like 5 minutes from a theater which shows it in this format.)  And while the tickets were $15 (yowza!) Chris paid for mine as part of my birthday present from last year.

So here are my thoughts on Avatar, in no particular order:

- The 3D glasses they made us wear not only made us look like Harey Carey after a bender but made my eyes hurt so much the next day I don't think I will ever watch a movie in 3D again.  Thanks Avatar for ruining The Amityville Horror 3 for me.


- The visuals in the movie were breathtaking, even if they forest floor of the planet Pandora was made from the same material as a disco floor.

- I understand that some of the scenes were dramatic but just as I was about to get into the story I realized that the drama was being played out by 11 foot blue people and I dissolved into giggles.

- Sigourney Weaver, who is an amazing actress, was the best part of the movie by far.  Except when she was a blue person dressed like someone from the Stanford Ultimate Frisbee Team.

- Sam Worthington is hot but his legs were wicked skinny.  I really REALLY hope that they were digitally wilted because otherwise that guy has some chicken legs.

- I get the connection with Aliens, but did we really need to see the walking robot suits again?  Made me think Mr Cameron was running out of ideas.

- I was a little uncomfortable with all the blue nudity.  Why is it that humans seem to be the only species in the universe to have invented chinos?

- Trying to read subtitles for a made-up language while wearing 3D glasses is not easy.

- That was one big ass tree.

- I had a brief panic attack at the end of the movie when the credits began to roll because I thought Celine Dion was singing and I started to have a horrible Titanic flashback.

So, in conclusion, it was a pretty movie but with a basic, predictable plot which won't do well on video since the format to see it in is big screen.  I tell people to not see it in 3D since it isn't that 3D-ish.

Or you could scrap it all together and just watch old episodes of The Smurfs because they at least had a sweet villain.

I give it 5 out of 10 paperclips.




~ The Office Scribe

I Mean, Aside From The Costume...

While at my mom's house this weekend I re-watched the entire series of Aeon Flux (calm down people, there were only 10 episodes...).  And then I watched the 2005 movie.

I came to the conclusion that there was one glaring difference between the TV show and the movie.

A plot.

See, the TV show didn't really have a plot, aside from Aeon being a badass and Trevor wanting her badass.  The movie had a beginning, middle, and an end.

But still, I liked the TV show better.  Perhaps it's because I loved watching it on MTV while I babysat (I didn't have cable).  Or because it was so different from anything else on TV.  Chances are it was more like because I liked not exactly knowing what was going on.  And because I wanted to be Aeon when I grew up (still working on that....)

So MTV - Stop showing us countless reruns of "The Hills" or "The City" or whatever other douche bag and dumbass filled show you are putting on instead of music videos or something even remotely entertaining.

Because I think Jay and Silent Bob said it best.



Good thoughts boys.

~ The Office Scribe

Who Doesn't Appreciate A Nice Gift Basket?

Catherine Martin, that's who.

Now you may be asking yourself, "Who is Catherine Martin?  That name sounds familiar."

That's because most people know Catherine Martin as Senator Ruth Martin's daughter a.k.a. the girl who complained about the spa she was at from "Silence of the Lambs".

The ungrateful politician's daughter was a whiny brat while all Buffalo Bill wanted to do was provide her with a lovely gift basket, probably from the Bath and Body Works.  I bet it smelled like Sun Ripened Raspberry.

And then he offered her some hydrotherapy, which isn't cheap and is also very relaxing.

This topic actually came up at trivia last night when a question was asked about Clarice Starling.  Naturally anytime the movie is brought up people bring up the scene where Buffalo Bill is just getting in touch with his femanine side.  During the conversation I did learn about a wonderful little song and video on YouTube which I think explains Buffalo Bill better than anything I could write.

Enjoy!

~ The Office Scribe

Okay, maybe I just so desperately need a vacation that a trip down the well at BB's sounds like a good time... (shrug)

Why My Liver Hates "Twilight"

Did you happen to catch the MTV Movie Awards this evening? (Which are still going on because awards shows go one for WWWAAAAYYYY too long...)

I did.  And before you go all judgemental on me for watching them know that I do so because of the previews for the movies that are coming out.  But the one movie I was not looking forward to the preview of "New Moon".

(Note: I tried to find a poster for this movie but all I could find were crappy ones made by fans with lackluster PhotoShop skills.)

In case you have been living under a rock or perhaps attending a Mensa meeting for the past year or so, "New Moon" is the sequel to "Twilight"; that movie about disco ball vampires in the Pacific Northwest.  Well it is much anticipated and a lot of people were tuning into tonight show in order to see the clip from the new movie.

So I knew there would be some chatter about the movie but dammit, I didn't expect the title of the movie to be mentioned every three seconds.  It was like a two-hour commercial for "Twilight".  If I had been playing the MTV Movie Awards "Twilight" Drinking Game I would be dead from alcohol poisoning right now.

Which might be better than having to put up with through the hype for the movies for books three and four...

~The Office Scribe

National Nerd Day: May the 4th Be With You

In honor of Star Wars Day I thought I would share some fun Star Wars facts about yours truly.

1) Sometime during my freshman year in high school I developed a love for Darth Vader.  Why?  Because every girl wants someone tall, dark, and voiced by the same guy who says "This is CNN"

2) One of the best birthday presents I ever received was a full size Darth Vader standup.  Here is a picture of him in my shower at my last party.

3) Another great birthday present - An autographed poster of Darth Maul signed by Ray Park my friend got me from a ComicCon.  Well, I guess it wasn't a birthday present because my friend gave it to me in July and my birthday is in February.  But when I asked him why it said "Happy Birthday, Love Ray Park" he told me he panicked when Mr. Park asked him what to write.

4) The year Episode I came out, the one with Darth Maul, I went to Toys R' Us and bought myself a double-sided Light Saber.  And I carried it around everyday in school until the movie came out.  And the strange thing is, I wasn't really a nerd in high school.  I was just really, really weird.

5) My car license plate has a reference to Darth Vader on it.  Because nothing says "Welcome to the Dark Side" like a salsa-red Dodge Neon.

6) I own the Star Wars Christmas album.

7) I do a really good impression of a Wookie.  Ask my mom.

8) According to some website I just Googled, my Star Wars name is Amanma Kohin, Norcho of Bor

9) The only beach towels I own have Star Wars characters on them.

10) My mom bought me a Darth Vader mask that changed my voice for Christmas one year.  I was 18 when she got it for me.

So yeah, I am not so much a Star Wars fan as much as I am a Darth Vader & Darth Maul fan.

'Cause those guys are hotties.

~The Office Scribe

Saturday Boredom Courtesy of the USPS

Last Tuesday said they had received the following 3 DVD's*:

- MST3K: Teenage Strangler

- Across the Universe

- State and Main

They informed me that the following DVD's would be shipped out**:

-MST3K: Eegahh!

- Mamma Mia!

- Arrested Development Season 1, Disc 1

Now seeing as I live outside of Chicago which puts me close to a NetFlix distribution center, I normally get my DVD's the next day.

When did I receive the above mentioned DVD's?

Today which is Saturday which is four days after I should have received them.

And since I know NetFlix would not screw me over like this, there is only one entity to blame:

And considering the weather around here has been beautiful lately that can't be a reason.

I am disappointed in you and your eagle emblem...

~The Office Scribe

* Don't judge me based on the movies I returned...I'll watch anything

** But you might be able to judge me based on these movies, who knows.

So Bad I Would Have Walked Out of My Living Room

I think I have walked out on one movie in my life.  It was the movie Loser and it was so painful that me and like the 17 people I was with all just up and left when we couldn't take it any longer. 

I am such a movie fan that a movie has to be pretty bad for me to stop watching.  Which is why I am a bit perplexed about my movie choices lately.  While I am careful with what I order from NetFlix, I am not so discerning when it comes to what I watch on ON DEMAND for free.  The past few days I have seen a few titles that I thought "Hey, it's better than watching reality TV" and turned on, only to stop watching after 20 minutes or so.

Fist Up: Resurrection Mary

I was pretty excited when I saw this movie was on since it is based on one of my favorite ghost tales from the Chicago area.  Unfortunately this low-budget blooper didn't do the story any justice and I never made it past the first act.

Second Movie:  Be Kind, Rewind

Rarely can you go wrong with a Jack Black movie.  And throw in the quality that is Mos Def, some Danny Glover and the chick that used to be married to Woody Allen and it's gold.  Unless you package it all together into this atrocity about re-filming VHS movies after a magnetized Jack Black erased them all.  Too bad they didn't follow their own plot and do so with this.

Third Movie:  Over Her Dead Body

I love Paul Rudd.  I have a total crush on him.  Especially when he is running with with Apatow crowd.  But sadly I don't think he is cut out to be a leading man, which he proves in this movie.  Of course, trying to picture Mr. Adorable with a bitchy Eva Longoria Parker didn't help the plot.

Come on Hollywood!  Why are you greenlighting crap like this when there are thousands of better ideas out there?  Send me a self addressed stamped envelope and I will prove it to you by sending you one of my scripts which you can make into a movie and I will give you my guarantee that it will earn more money than these four combined.

~The Office Scribe

Observations On Parenting - Friday the 13th Edition

Last night I succombed to some marketing ploy by a movie studio and went to see the new Friday the 13th movie ON FRIDAY THE 13TH!!!! I am a total nerd when it comes to things like this. My friend Stubbs and I also saw the Omen when it came out on 06-06-06. It's something I plan on telling my children one day.

Which brings me to the topic of raising children and the techniques other people employ while doing so.

As I was walking out of the theater at about midnight the place was packed with people waiting t get into the next showing of "Jason kills dumb people with a machete" and I actually saw several people carrying toddlers (as in kids 3 and under) into the theater.

Toddlers

Midnight Show

Friday the 13th

When their kids get knocked up at the age of 12, tossed into prison at 17, or a mental institution before they can legally drink I am sure they will blame the public schools and not the fact that they suck as parents. I can't even imagine why they would bring children of that age to such a movie. If you are going to corrupt your kids do it in the privacy of your own home so that the rest of the world doesn't have to know how big of a dipshit you are.

~ The Office Scribe

Where does he get those wonderful toys?

I was recently watching "Batman Returns" and came to the conclusion that out of everyone who has played Batman in the movies that Michael Keaton is my favorite.  I know people are going to disagree with me and start the argument that Christian "Potty Mouth" Bale is the best.   But I think those people are wrong.  While I generally like the newer movies better, Batman himself could be better.

And I think I know the reason...

The crazy growly voice CB uses as Batman drives me nuts.  Why does he think Batman needs to sound like he has throat cancer?  Does he think he has such a distinctive voice that the people of Gotham would know it was him?  None of the other Batmen felt the needs to growl.

And yes, I know this is a darker Batman (though I thought Batman was at his darkest when he went through NippleGate).  But the need to use a gimmicky voice to make yourself seem dark just weakens the character.

So all you comic people can nerd out on me, but if asked in a poll I would have to say my favorite Batman was the original*, Michael Keaton.

~The Office Scribe

* Original meaning in the movies.  Don't even get me started on the TV show.

Old People Are Funny

I spent the weekend at my mom’s house, as I do about every other weekend for two reasons: (A) I love my mother and (B) she cooks for me. This weekend we also decided that we needed to go to the movies and see some of the films that are nominated for the Oscars. I was a little shocked this year to see most of the movies I had spent the year seeing weren’t nominated. Okay, not really. I came to the conclusion long ago that Hollywood rarely if ever heaps praise in the form of Naked Gold Men for movies that I actually like.

But any who…this weekend my mom and I went and saw Slumdog Millionaire and Frost/Nixon. Both were great movies with superb writing and acting. And I am not blowing smoke up your ass by saying so. I actually really liked both movies, so kudos to the Academy for getting something right.

Frost/Nixon was my favorite of the two, because the portrayal of Richard Nixon by Frank Langella was spot on and that I was the youngest person in the theater by a good twenty years. I guess shame on me for being a 26 (nearly 27) year old who loves American History. I love the looks I get when I am the youngest person surrounded by oldies. They take one look at me and then are forced to glance at their ticket to make sure they didn’t accidently wander into My Bloody Valentine 3-D.

My favorite geriatric moment came when the lights went down and the theater was left in complete blackness except for the faint light coming from the screen. An elderly couple was about halfway up the steps and stopped right by my aisle. Even though I was in the middle of my row, I could hear their whispered conversation saturated in confusion. See, in the darkness they couldn’t see where two empty seats were and stood, frozen like people who run across a T-Rex. Afraid to move lest someone spot them. Or worse, they are spotted and take a nasty tumble down the stairs.

No joke this couple stood there for a good four trailers before something came on screen that was bright enough for them to see that there were some empty seats in my row. So of course, Mr. and Mrs. Santa Clause (that’s what they looked like) sidled into my row and sat next to me, luckily leaving the customary empty seat of separation between us.

I forgot that I was surrounded by people who actually lived through Watergate until about an hour into the movie when a cell phone went off. Now, mind you, I was the only person of the cell phone age in the theater. My mom, who would still be considered a young whippersnapper in that group hadn’t even brought hers. Nope, the phone and its god awful volume 11 ring belonged to a little old white haired women about ten rows in front of me who couldn’t find the thing in her enormous Mary Poppins like carpet bag of death. Right in the middle of a critical scene (because they were all critical) we were serenaded and the suspension of disbelief was broken.

But I guess that serves me right for going to a movie at one in the afternoon. Next time I’ll remember to go to a 5 o’clock show, when the oldies are already in bed.

~The Office Scribe