Sunday, January 17, 2010

Not The Smoothest Line I've Heard...

Last night my friend Stubbs and I went to go see "Up In The Air" and then grab a bite to eat.  I intended to spend today writing a clever review about the movie, which was also clever, but instead decided that what happened after the movie would make for a far more interesting blog post.

The movie ended around 8:30 so my friend and I headed over to a new brewery/restaurant which had just opened.  The place was jammed with people (it being new and a Saturday night) so we put our names down for a table and headed to grab a beer in the bar.  One of the greatest things about micro breweries is that they make their own beer in small batches which are phenomenal compared to macro brewed beers.  I looked at the list and settled on an IBA, which is a hybrid between an American Brown Ale and an India Pale Ale.  It was quite tasty.

While we were chatting and sipping on the tasty brews, a guy approached us.  The first thing I noticed was the rockin' neck tribal neck tattoo which curled oh-so gracefully up and around his ear.  The second thing I noticed was that he was walking with a swagger one only gets after imbibing in a few too many beers.

Mr. Sophisticated, in his leather motocross jacket, was trying his best to engage us in conversation, but failed miserably on so many levels I'm sure he would have needed an elevator to make it back to his starting position.

- Aside from the neck tattoo and the hideous jacket, his ensemble was completed by a scruffy goatee and a t-shirt which may or may not have been the popular (if only for mocking) Mountain Three Wolf Moon one which I can say he was not rockin' in an ironic, hipster way. (BTW - If you have some time on your hands, sit back and read some of the reviews for this shirt.  They are spectacular.)

- He came up and asked us for a light.  Okay, now I have had guys use, this as a line on me before, but it is usually while standing outside, possibly with people who are smoking.  Not generally while inside a bar.  And by the way that line is much better when delivered by a girl to a guy.  There is nothing chivalrous about a chick having to dig into her purse to find a light for you.

- Repetition.  This guy must have said "This is the first time I have been to this bar" or another variation on that statement about 12 times within the first 10 minutes of talking to him.  If you say something to a girl once and she doesn't comment back, you can repeat it,  just in case she didn't hear you.  Shouting it at her constantly = not cool.

- He kept telling us he was trouble.  Guys who are really bad boys don't feel the need to go around and tell everyone.  And when we asked him why, his answer was "because I am."  Gentlemen - Because is never an answer, or at least one which will keep the ladies interested.

- We are at a microbrewery and he was drinking Miller Lite.  (((shudder))))

- Have I mentioned that he did some time in the big house?  Oh, yeah, cause he did.  He felt the need to tell 2 strange females about how he hasn't been out lately because he was in jail for 13 years.  Why?  Oh, believe me, I asked.  Turns out, he went all "badass on a cop".  Guess what.  I like cops. (And firemen - yum)  So I was not super impressed that he was put in the slammer because he is a douche bag.

So, I did what any girl in my situation would do.  I started to convince him I may or may not be a serial killer.  That's right ladies, you want a douchey -drunk- hillbilly to leave you alone.  Tell him you like to tie people up, then cut them into pieces and dispose of the evidence in a swamp.

Or you could just pray that you table pager goes off and you can escape from the insanity.

The choice is yours.

~ The Office Scribe

1 comment:

  1. I'd usually just tell people that I'm a very happy, smiley surgeon who likes to bring people to my home and cut them open and sell their delicious organs in the black market. Which is totally true sometimes.

    Fun fact: It may not work on masochists.