A True "Dear John" Letter

Dear John(ny),

Ever since you were sucked into a bed in "A Nightmare on Elm Street" I have been enamored with you.  Sure, I was only 2 at the time but when I saw it later, on late night TV with all the truly bloody parts removed for sensitive viewers I still remember being drawn to you.  Perhaps it was the way you played a cassette tape of airport noises so your mom would thing you were staying at your cousins.  Or the half football jersey you wore the last time you went to sleep.  For whatever reason, I was hooked.

Then came "21 Jump Street" which I will admit I didn't see much of but remember thinking "Hey, that was the guy from that Freddy Kruger movie so I would catch a glimpse of it here and there.  But again, I was 8 at this time and my parents didn't think it was proper television programming such an impressionable youth.

While you were always in the back of my mind it wasn't until the masterpiece that was "Edward Scissorhands" that you cemented yourself as one of my favorite people in the world.  My mother took me to see the movie because she was a big Vincent Price fan, a man I only knew from the doing the voice over in "Thriller".  So we went and I saw the magic which occurred when you and your hetero life mate Tim Burton got together and put pictures on film.  It was magic.

Every time I saw that you would be in a movie I grew excited.  "What's Eating Gilbert Grape", "Ed Wood" and "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" all claimed hours of my life as I watched them.  The characters you played I am sure were interesting on the page of the script but when you got a hold of them you made them your own.

One of my personal favorites, "From Hell", I have watched more times that I care to admit.  You, the darkly intriguing detective with a penchant for ladies in distress and opium dens on the hunt for one of the most notorious serial killers of all time?  Awesome.

But I think your most critically acclaimed role came when you took the chance on staring in a movie based, not on a cartoon or comic book or real person, but on a ride.  I could go on and on about the power that is Captain Jack Sparrow, but writers far wittier than I have done so for years and I will leave it to that.

And you are so multi-talented!  You lent your voice to the show "King of the Hill" and sang your way through "Sweeny Todd".  You played the guitar in "Chocolat" and helped shoot Hunter S. Thompson's ashes from a cannon.  Is there nothing you can do?

Most recently you were in my hometown of Chicago filming "Public Enemies" playing the seductive Robin Hood like character of John Dillinger.  Yes, I had thoughts of tracking you down in the city and trying to convince you that I would be an ideal personal assistant but I restrained myself for fear of upsetting you and possibly obtaining a criminal record.

The only time I thought you may have potentially wavered was with "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" where once again, you teamed up with Tim Burton.  While you were a different type of Willy Wonka you didn't quite catch the power that was Gene Wilder.

But you made up for it with two more turns as Captain Jack Sparrow.

So I had believed you were perfect in every way...

That is, until I went to Yahoo! Main page and saw this:

What.  The. Hell?

Okay, I understand this is "Alice in Wonderland" as done by Tim Burton, but this image may haunt my dreams tonight, and not in the same way as your image used to.  It is scary and disturbing and down right wrong.  I don't think this look so much says "mad" as "I'm sorry I ate your cocker spaniel."

Mr. Depp you didn't quite fall of the pedestal but there was a definite wobble.

~ The Office Scribe

(I grabbed this photo from E! Online which I love so don't come and try and sue me because all you would get would be a chewed on pencil and some garden veggie tortillas.  Plus I love E!  I once sat next to Richard Simmons in the grand stands at the Golden Globes while he was doing cover for the channel and he was kind enough to talk to my aunt on my phone.  Thanks E!)

Who Knew Chewbacca Lived In A Condo?

Now let me just say, I am a sports fan.  I love the Chicago White Sox.  During the fall I wear blue and orange to support the bears.  And every 2-4 years I am glued to the TV watching "athletes" compete in such feats as curling, the luge, and synchronized swimming.

But when I hear people get so pumped up about sports that it borders on bothersome, something needs to be done.

I am (--this--) close to climbing up the balconies of the condo building next to mine spider monkey style and cutting the cable to the apartment that belongs to the Wookie.

Why do I call him the Wookie?

Because almost everyday he is watching what I can only assume to be a Cubs game (I channel surf to see what it might be) and bellowing like a walrus in heat.  I have been swept up in the passion of a good baseball game from time to time where I have been known to hoot and holler a bit, but good lord man!  I am sitting quietly in my apartment, glued to my new TV, and there is a silence shattering noise which cuts through the night - a loud, deep noise that sounds like a chupa cabra in mourning.

So now I have neighbors who have loud nookie and a wookie.

What's next?

No, seriously, what do you think is next?  I want to be prepared...

~ The Office Scribe

* Okay, I grabbed this picture off a random Google Image Search because it was Chewy at a baseball game and I found it fitting.  But then I had to giggle because it looks like the Han wanna-be laid an egg and Chewy is throwing those, possibly at the Death Star.

Oh, So I Guess I Am More Racist Than The Jets...

Last night my mom and I were doing what millions of theater lovers (read into that what you will) were doing by watching the Tony Awards.  We have season tickets to Broadway in Chicago so we are actually a little informed when it comes to plays and musicals.

Or so I thought.

After a performance from "West Side Story" I voiced my disappointment that they chose to perform that scene at the dance where Tony and Maria first meet each other that goes on for way too long instead of my favorite song which is "When You're A Jet".  So my mom and I, much to the chagrin of the dogs who were trying to sleep, start belting out a few bars.

Here are the lyrics as they are known from the musical:

The Jets are in gear,
Our cylinders are clickin'!
The Sharks'll steer clear
'Cause ev'ry Puerto Rican's a lousy chicken! 

Here are the lyrics as I sang them:

The Jets are in gear,
Our cylinders are clickin'!
The Sharks'll steer clear
'Cause ev'ry Puerto Rican's a lousy 'Spic! 

To which my mom questioned, "What did you say?"

So I repeated what I thought the words were.  She shook her head.  So I defended what I thought the words were, by saying that the Jets didn't think much of the Sharks and probably used racial epithets around them.

That seemed to settle the argument, until my mom called me at work today to inform me that not only was I wrong in my choice of lyrics but I possibly might be prejudice against people of Puerto Rican descent.

But it's all good, because to quote another line from another musical (properly this time I might add):

Everyone's a little bit racist, sometimes...

~ The Office Scribe

No, I am not actually racist.  Turns out I just sometime play the game of Telephone by myself.  Sometime I'll tell you what I thought the lyrics to "Flagpole Sitter" by Harvey Danger were...