Tuesday, June 23, 2009

A True "Dear John" Letter

Dear John(ny),

Ever since you were sucked into a bed in "A Nightmare on Elm Street" I have been enamored with you.  Sure, I was only 2 at the time but when I saw it later, on late night TV with all the truly bloody parts removed for sensitive viewers I still remember being drawn to you.  Perhaps it was the way you played a cassette tape of airport noises so your mom would thing you were staying at your cousins.  Or the half football jersey you wore the last time you went to sleep.  For whatever reason, I was hooked.

Then came "21 Jump Street" which I will admit I didn't see much of but remember thinking "Hey, that was the guy from that Freddy Kruger movie so I would catch a glimpse of it here and there.  But again, I was 8 at this time and my parents didn't think it was proper television programming such an impressionable youth.

While you were always in the back of my mind it wasn't until the masterpiece that was "Edward Scissorhands" that you cemented yourself as one of my favorite people in the world.  My mother took me to see the movie because she was a big Vincent Price fan, a man I only knew from the doing the voice over in "Thriller".  So we went and I saw the magic which occurred when you and your hetero life mate Tim Burton got together and put pictures on film.  It was magic.

Every time I saw that you would be in a movie I grew excited.  "What's Eating Gilbert Grape", "Ed Wood" and "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" all claimed hours of my life as I watched them.  The characters you played I am sure were interesting on the page of the script but when you got a hold of them you made them your own.

One of my personal favorites, "From Hell", I have watched more times that I care to admit.  You, the darkly intriguing detective with a penchant for ladies in distress and opium dens on the hunt for one of the most notorious serial killers of all time?  Awesome.

But I think your most critically acclaimed role came when you took the chance on staring in a movie based, not on a cartoon or comic book or real person, but on a ride.  I could go on and on about the power that is Captain Jack Sparrow, but writers far wittier than I have done so for years and I will leave it to that.

And you are so multi-talented!  You lent your voice to the show "King of the Hill" and sang your way through "Sweeny Todd".  You played the guitar in "Chocolat" and helped shoot Hunter S. Thompson's ashes from a cannon.  Is there nothing you can do?

Most recently you were in my hometown of Chicago filming "Public Enemies" playing the seductive Robin Hood like character of John Dillinger.  Yes, I had thoughts of tracking you down in the city and trying to convince you that I would be an ideal personal assistant but I restrained myself for fear of upsetting you and possibly obtaining a criminal record.

The only time I thought you may have potentially wavered was with "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" where once again, you teamed up with Tim Burton.  While you were a different type of Willy Wonka you didn't quite catch the power that was Gene Wilder.

But you made up for it with two more turns as Captain Jack Sparrow.

So I had believed you were perfect in every way...

That is, until I went to Yahoo! Main page and saw this:

What.  The. Hell?

Okay, I understand this is "Alice in Wonderland" as done by Tim Burton, but this image may haunt my dreams tonight, and not in the same way as your image used to.  It is scary and disturbing and down right wrong.  I don't think this look so much says "mad" as "I'm sorry I ate your cocker spaniel."

Mr. Depp you didn't quite fall of the pedestal but there was a definite wobble.

~ The Office Scribe

(I grabbed this photo from E! Online which I love so don't come and try and sue me because all you would get would be a chewed on pencil and some garden veggie tortillas.  Plus I love E!  I once sat next to Richard Simmons in the grand stands at the Golden Globes while he was doing cover for the channel and he was kind enough to talk to my aunt on my phone.  Thanks E!)


  1. yikes! that is a VERY killer clown-esque photo. Not a good look Johnny boy. *sleeping with the light on tonight*

  2. i'm sorry i ate your cocker spaniel................lol......that was way too funny