Quasimodo's Playlist

I never go anywhere without my iPod. It's not even that I am a huge fan of music. I just like noise. I bring it to work. I use it in my car. I play games on it while I am in waiting rooms. I watch movies on the little screen when the power goes out.

Let's just say I really love my iPod.

Earlier today I was scrolling through my music library and I noticed that I have quite a few songs with the word bell in the title.  I found this interesting, because who would have thought the word bell was so popular.

I'll tell you who.  This guy.

Yeah, that is Quasimodo, the protagonist from the Victor Hugo novel The Hunchback of Notre Dame. The man did two things: rings bells and chat with gargoyles.

He would love my iPod.

So Ladies and Gentlemen, I present...

Quasimodo's Playlist

Track #1: I Hear The Bells - Mike Doughty

This song might be familiar to those of you who are fans of the short lived show Veronica Mars. Warning - if you download this song you may, like me, listen to it on repeat because you can't get enough of it.

Track #2: Tubular Bells - Michael Gordon Oldfield

Hmm, what is this little gem?  Oh, that's right.  It's the theme from The Exorcist.  Nothing like rocking out to a song which recalls green bile and head spinning hilarity.

Track #3: For Whom The Bell Tolls - Metallica

The version I like is the one off the S&M album because it is the perfect mashup of metal and a symphony.  I like to picture a young Mozart rocking out to this tune on the harpsicord.

Track #4: Carol of the Bells - Trans Siberian Orchestra

Come December 1, this becomes my ringtone, but that doesn't mean I don't listen to it the other 11 months of the year.

Track #5: Michelle (My Belle) - The Beatles

Okay, okay.  I know the official title is just Michelle, but it seems that most people think the title includes the word bell so I added it.  What's a playlist without The Beatles anyway?

Track #6: Saved By The Bell - ?

I don't know who wrote this TV theme song (if I was motivated I could find it on Wikipedia I am sure) but everyone in my generation knows every word to this song and will until the day we die.

Track #7: Belle - From Beauty and the Beast

We preformed this as a musical when I was in 5th grade.  I tried out for the part of Lumiere and ended up being a bar wench.  Did my music teacher know something about my future that I didn't?  Perhaps.

Track #8: Ring My Bell - Anita Ward

Disco Demolition may have happened at Comisky back in the day but that didn't stop me from putting this song on my iPod.

Track #9: Jingle Bell Rock - Bobby Helms

It may have come out in 1957 but it is now associated with Mean Girls which is better than associating Lindsay Lohan with Mean Girls.

Track #10: Poison by Bell Biv Davoe

Bell might not be in this title either but it's in the band (?) name and that's reason enough to include it on this list.  Well that and I remember choreographing ice skating routines on my lake to this jam when I was a kid.  Come on, picture a nine year old white girl attempting to pull off some sort of crazy untrained jump while the lyrics 

It's driving me out of my mind 

That's why it's hard for me to find

Can't get her out of my head 

Miss her, kiss her, Wrong move you're dead

blares from a Sony boombox on the shore.  It was badass.

Is there a song that should be included on this list that I forgot?  Let me know in comments and I promise to mock your choices.

~ The Office Scribe

Reason #274 Why I Should Be Dead: Close Contact With Killer Whales

It's been all over the news (both the kind you watch and the kind Yahoo! makes you read before it lets you check your e-mail).

TRAINER KILLED BY KILLER WHALE

Holy crap! I thought.  That is unbelievable.  It turns out the in front of a giant audience at Sea World Orlando, a whale grabbed a female trainer off the side of the tank in its jaws and thrashed her around.  It is unclear if she died from drowning or the thrashing.  The article I read also pointed out the fact that this animal was involved in other human deaths.

WHAT?!?!?!

Okay, so why am I freaking out?  I mean, I work in an office, not with Killer Whales (Though when I was a kid I did want to be a marine biologist.)

Because when I was like 7 my mom was on Wheel of Fortune.  Yeah, it was as awesome as you think it would be.  I believe she coined the term "Game Show-aholic".  Any who, while we were out in California we did all kinds of awesome tourist things, which included a trip to Sea World San Diego.

Since I wanted to make sure we had seats in the Splash Zone I dragged my parents to the show area uber early.  It was cool that I was such a punctual kid, because one of the trainers approached my family and said that a baby whale had been born recently and did my family of three want to meet the whale family of three.

Oh.  Hell.  Yes.

I don't imagine there is anything more exciting for a kid that being in front of a few thousand people.  (Okay, maybe I was and still am some sort of attention whore...)  I remember it like it was more recent than 21 years ago.

I got to throw handfuls of raw fish into the whales mouth.  My dad got to pet the whale.  And my mom, the woman who gave me life, got to do the coolest thing of all.  She leaned over the tank and held her arms out in an "o" and the freaking whale came up and she HUGGED IT!  Somewhere I have a picture of this momentous occasion.

An occasion which I now look back on and think "It would have been so easy for that whale to have grabbed my 7 year old ass and dragged me to the briny depths of that tank."

Ah, childhood memories.  Thanks for sullying them Yahoo!

~ The Office Scribe

Damn Target! That's Kinky

Okay, so it's Valentine's Day.  I picked up on this because of the numerous KY commercials and the overabundance of red and pink candy that has shown up in my candy dish at the office.  

But seeing as how I am single, and even if I wasn't not a fan of V-Day, I didn't have any plans.  Well, I did.  My mom, Gram and I headed out to enjoy some Chinese food because today is also Chinese New Year (Go Tigers!)

On my way back from lunch I decided to swing by Target to pick up some stuff I needed, in addition to some stuff I didn't need.  (Come on, have you ever left a Target without picking up some extras?)

So I did my shopping, only picking up a few items which of course, I couldn't live without.  I hit up Register #1 threw my items and had the following conversation:

Checker:  Good evening and Happy Valentine's Day to you.

TOS:  Thanks, same to you.

Checker: Is everything out of your basket? (Note: I didn't have a basket OR shopping cart.)

TOS: Um, yep.

Checker:  Looks like your getting ready to celebrate Valentine's Day.

Now, this comment would have been appropriate had my shopping list consisted of condoms, boxed wine, a heart shaped box of chocolates, Iron Man Valentines, and some trashy underwear.

But I was purchasing the following:

- Thank You Notes with polka dots on them

- 3 inch mesh strainer

- Post It Notes

- Moonlight: The Complete Series on DVD

- Tinactin (Don't judge me)

What kind of kinky ass evening was the chick from Target thinking I was about to have?

Please, I would love all of your thoughts on this one.

~ The Office Scribe

Proof That Italians Are CRAZY

I am a sucker for intriguing Yahoo! News headlines.  So when I saw one today that said 'McDonalds meals parks outcry in Italy" I had to read it.

As it turns out, McDonald's hs created a new burger called the McItaly which has all the Italians who are anti Fast Food in an uproar.  Now, I understand wanting to keep food locally grown and out of the hands of corporate mega chains, but as I read the article, I realized one thing.

Italians are crazy.

The McItaly, for those who don't know, is a burger made from native beef covered in provolone and artichoke spread.

Excuse me while I book a ticket to Italy...

Are you serious Italians?  You are freaking out about what might possibly be the most delicious burger created by man since the Whiskey River BBQ Burger at Red Robin?  Shame on you.

I would eat a roofing shingle if it had artichoke spread on it.

No wonder the Roman civilization failed.

~ The Office Scribe

The Best $170 Nap Ever!

Yesterday my mom and I went to go see "August: Osage County" which is a Tony Award winning play written by someone from the Steppenwolf Theater.  It did awesome here, went to Broadway, and kicked all forms of ass.  Which is why I was super excited when it came back to town and we got tickets as part of our season ticket package.

Our seats are pretty good, as in row K on the main aisle good.  So our tickets don't come cheap, but they are worth it.

Which I guess it why the two older ladies who obviously lived on the North Shore of Chicago bought tickets in the row in front of us.

They were chatty before the production began, talking to my mom and me about how they love the theater and how sweet it is that my mom and I do things like that together.  They talked about how much they loved the playwright and how when the play was at the Steppenwolf they were crushed because they couldn't get tickets.  Which, is why, when it came back to town, they bought the best tickets they could, at $170 a pop! (Over 2 times more than what I paid for my ticket.)

So the play starts, and about 10 minutes into the first act the brunette bitys head dips down in what is the obvious posture of someone who is napping.  And it remains in that same position for the entire first act. I was afraid that when the house lights came up she wasn't going to move and I would see my first dead body in a theater.  But she woke up when the lights came on.

Then the second act starts, and the blonde one slumps over in her chair.  My mom nudges me and whispers, "I think she's asleep."  Again, I was afraid she had died.  (I know, I am kinda morbid.)

When the play finally ends, of which both women probably missed a good 75 minutes, they could not stop raving about how wonderful it was.

I know these ladies saw it as a status symbol to come and see this play in such good seats, but why not pay me the $170 a piece to see it, I'll write a report on it, and you can have my PlayBill and ticket stub if you need proof to show someone that you were there.

It's a perfect situation!

~ The Office Scribe