Beware The Sangria Monster - A New Year's Tale

According to Twitter last night was New Year's Eve, which explains why I found myself in downtown Chicago with an overnight bag and bottles of liquor.  My friend decided to have a party at her condo because at our advanced age (I'll be 28 in February) the idea of hanging out in a crowded bar and paying $8 for a beer just doesn't seem to have the appeal it used to.

Everyone who came to the party had to wear pajamas, which is possibly the best theme for a party I have ever been too.  No tight clothing.  No high heals.  No overdone makeup.  Just cute flannel PJ's and fuzzy slippers.

My friend was all ambitious and everything and decided to make Sangria from scratch.  She even had it in a cool glass jar so you could see the fruit floating like little jewels in the red wine.  Some of the first people who drank it said it seemed a little strong.  Others of us didn't think so - which says all kinds of things about our alcohol tolerance. Anyway, we quickly drained the jar and decided to make a second batch.  I had switched to Coronas at this point but you would have thought this Sangria was the cure to all of lifes problems.  People were so into this drink that when the second batch was gone they just began eating the alcohol ladden fruit.


I can't imagine how the Sangria people feel this morning, because one of the worst headaches you can have is from over consumption of wine.  (Personally, I feel fine this morning except for the ache where I think I pulled a muscle while dancing and a sore throat from singing "Love Song" like Louis Armstrong.)

But I think the worst damage that the Sangria monster did last night was the the kitchen countertops.  There was sticky red marks all over my friends white counters, which would not come off even with the most vigorous of scrubbing.  She will need to pour about half a bottle of bleach on those stains so people who come over don't think she slaughters her own poultry.

All in all it was a fun New Year's Eve but now I need a shower, a nap, and a venti quad nonfat latte from Starbucks before I can be my usual charming self.

~ The Office Scribe

An Open Letter To The Guy Who Tasered A Butcher in Joliet

*Note:  This post is inspired by stuff you would find over at The Open Letters Blog and a report I heard on the radio.

Background:  According to a Chicago Sun Times article a young man got pissed off when he was thrown out of a grocery store in Joilet, Illinois so he came back with a Taser and jolted the stores butcher.

Dear Guy who Tasered The Butcher in Joliet,

You have to be the dumbest person in Joliet, and for anyone who knows anything about Joliet, that is saying a lot.

I'll ignore the fact the you got thrown out of a grocery store, a feat unto itself.  I'll even ignore the fact that you felt so mad you came back armed.  But when you returned, you attacked THE ONE PERSON IN THE STORE WITH THE POWER TO MESS YOU UP.  As a former butcher, I know that within a three foot radius I could have grabbed about a dozen items I could have used to inflict severe bodily harm on you.  Knifes, sharpening steels, saws, frozen legs of lamb, the list goes on and on.  I'll assume you caught the butcher off guard otherwise I think you your new prison nickname would be "Left Nut" or "Stumpy".

Should you be dumb enough to find yourself in this circumstance again I would suggest you attack someone at the Deli counter.  A pint of macaroni salad doesn't hurt as much as a meat cleaver to the sternum.

Love,
The Office Scribe
Former Meat Cleaving Badass Turned Cubicle Monkey

Harold And Kumar Go To St. Louis

I am at that age (mid-late twenties) where it seems like everyone I know is getting married. This summer I was invited to no less that 5 weddings. So aside from being broke I am also not wearing heels again until next spring.

The last wedding I went to was in St. Louis last weekend. A good high school friend of mine was getting hitched so my friends and I all road tripped down there to witness the nuptials. (Well, the ceremony - not the wedding night. That would be both kinky and gross.) For me it was the first time I have traveled outside Chicago for a wedding. And boy was it an experience.

I learned a lot of things while down in St. Louis, like the cops are so nice while giving you a ticket you can't badmouth them afterwards. Or that going up in the Arch doesn't trigger my vertigo but standing at the top of a 30 foot slide at the City Museum does. Or, and this is the most important thing, no one in the suburbs of St. Louis eats after 8:00 PM.

I am not even kidding on that last life lesson learned. So there were four of us who went down early and played tourist. We spent the day hanging out and ended our night at a bar across from our hotel. After one round we asked our waiter where we might find some food. He snarkily said "Our kitchen is closed." That's nice, but we wanted to eat anywhere. "Sorry, there may be a sports bar open or something, I'm not sure. It's late."

It was 10:30PM on a Friday night.

If I had been in the suburb I live in outside Chicago I know where to get a burger at 10:30PM, a sub a 12:00AM and a burrito until 3AM. But in St. Louis apparently there is no place to get even a lukewarm cup of coffee. So we did what any logical city dweller on vacation would do and went out in search of food. Luckily, we found a Hardees which was open until midnight. Mind you, not a huge fan of Hardees but when you are so hungry you would eat a shrub, Hardees is pretty damn good.

The next day, Saturday, was the actual wedding. It was lovely. And possibly one of the best meals I have ever eaten at a wedding. And lots and lots of quality liquor. But between the dancing and the dehydration when we got back to the hotel once again, we were starving. So me, two bridesmaids, and a friend decided to go on the hunt for the most elusive of late night food; White Castle.

Armed with an iPhone we managed to find one which was only "an inch away" (That's iPhone speak for about 20 minutes". Normally we would have no hesitation heading that far for some sliders, but this was St. Louis. We feared that perhaps, it might be closed like everything else in the freaking city. But as we crested the last hill and saw the illuminated sign shining like a beacon in the night, we nearly wept with job.

$40 bucks later we headed back to the hotel with a Crave Case and sacks of fries in hand. I have never been so happy or full in my life.

So while my story, like the plot of a buddy comedy, had a happy ending, treat this blog entry as a warning should you ever find yourself in St. Louis and hungry as hell. Finding food without the aid of modern technology is damn near impossible.

~ The Office Scribe

P.S. - This also applies should you find yourself in Port Angeles, Washington, where the only thing open past 8:00PM is a Pizza Hut/Taco Bell.

Who Doesn't Appreciate A Nice Gift Basket?

Catherine Martin, that's who.

Now you may be asking yourself, "Who is Catherine Martin?  That name sounds familiar."

That's because most people know Catherine Martin as Senator Ruth Martin's daughter a.k.a. the girl who complained about the spa she was at from "Silence of the Lambs".

The ungrateful politician's daughter was a whiny brat while all Buffalo Bill wanted to do was provide her with a lovely gift basket, probably from the Bath and Body Works.  I bet it smelled like Sun Ripened Raspberry.

And then he offered her some hydrotherapy, which isn't cheap and is also very relaxing.

This topic actually came up at trivia last night when a question was asked about Clarice Starling.  Naturally anytime the movie is brought up people bring up the scene where Buffalo Bill is just getting in touch with his femanine side.  During the conversation I did learn about a wonderful little song and video on YouTube which I think explains Buffalo Bill better than anything I could write.

Enjoy!

~ The Office Scribe

Okay, maybe I just so desperately need a vacation that a trip down the well at BB's sounds like a good time... (shrug)

Fun Ways To Get Swine Flu

I am sick of people telling me how to not get Swine Flu.  I get it.  If I want to stay healthy I should wash my hands.  Fine.  I do that anyway.  And I hope to god everyone else does too, but I know that isn't the case.  Which weirds me out.  It's like people who try on underwear.  Ewwww.

But the question I have is: What if I want to get Swine Flu?  What if I want to ensure that I come down with a raging case that leaves me weak, sickly, and 20 pounds lighter?  What if it might be the only way short of a mental breakdown that I can guarantee myself some downtime away from work and other commitments?

So I compiled a list of FUN ways that you and I can get Swine Flu.  And if you think of anything else I would love to read about it in the comments.

DOOR HANDLES

A lot of time people wonder what strange and exotic foods taste like.  But I wonder, have you ever thought what a door handle might taste like?  Perhaps it is time to find out.

CRAIGSLIST

You can pretty much find anything you want on Craigslist.  I am sure if you posted an ad looking from someone to come over and spread the germs you could find one.  Plus you could possibly gain a new friend and the insight as to what the bottom of a well looks like.

FREE DRINKS

You know how people leave drinks when they go to the bathroom (unless you can shove a beer bottle in your cleavage like I do)?  Well, instead of slipping a ruffie into it like you usually would take a big sip and enjoy that martini and whatever germs were back washed into it.

GUTTER SUNDAE

When I was at Girl Scout Camp we used to make Gutter Sundaes which is done by taking a section of gutter (preferably new) and loading it full of ice cream and toppings, then unleashing everyone on it with spoons.  The camp stopped doing it my third year there because people were afraid of the germs you might pick up.  I saw we bring this fine tradition back for just that reason.

REENACT A SCENE FROM YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE

There you are.  You have just stolen a bunch of dinosaur embryos from a secluded lab on an island off the coast of Costa Rica.  It's raining.  You lose control of your car and slide down a hill.  In the middle of the downpour, as you are trying to fix your car, you meet a breed of dinosaur face to face.  When you treat it like a dog it ramps up and spits a giant loogie in your face.  Instead of becoming paralyzed have an infected person spit in your face and voila!  You have Swine Flu!

VAMPIRES

They are trendy.  Whether it be while sparkling in the north woods and driving preteen girls into a fury over a guy who needs to shower.  Or on HBO where they actually act like vampires, bite people, have sex, and are much, much hotter than anything found in Seattle.  Or in the numerous scripts that Hollywood is green lighting to cash in on the popularity of the two aforementioned franchises.  So I suggest you go out and bite someone.  And when they throw you in county lockup you can catch swine flu from a guy named Bubba who has no teeth and facial burns from when his meth lab blew up.

Any of these options create a unique and exciting opportunity to give yourself that much needed break.

~ The Office Scribe

* The Office Scribe in no way condones people going out and getting horribly ill because my luck it will be my co-workers who read this and get sick while I remain healthy as a horse, stuck in my cubicle, doing my work and all of theirs...

"Spring Awakening" Put Me Into A Summer Coma

Normally I try to keep anything culturally significant out of this blog.  I mean, it really isn't a place to debate Mozart vs. Chopin.  But for those of you who don't know I am actually a rather cultured person.  I am a member of several museums, I have stared for hours at my favorite sculpture in the Villa Borghese, and I have season tickets to Broadway in Chicago.

Okay, so my mom has season tickets but she takes me more than anyone else.

Yesterday we drove downtown to see the production of "Spring Awakening" that is in town.  Now I knew nothing of this musical before I went to see it, which doesn't happen too often.  My mom read something about how it is based on a story from the 16th century.  It had music done by someone I have heard of and it was nominated and possibly won some Tony's, so how bad could it be?

As the elderly ladies who sit in front of us said at intermission "Well this was a waste of money". (They and a bunch of people left at intermission)

The only reason I can think that it got such rave revues was the simulated sex acts and the fact that I saw an actresses boob.  As my mom said, "This is like watching Hair meets Dead Poets Society".  And while both of those are great productions they combination of the two left me bored.

The only thing that kept me alert was the promise of Garetts Chicago Mix after the show.

~ The Office Scribe

A Warning To Future Lottery Winners

You know how we all play that game "if I won the lottery what would I buy?".

It's a fun way to pass the time as we work at our jobs as we imagine ourselves dripping in dimonds or cooling off in our infinity edge pool in Malibu.

But I think a lot of people imagine themselves hitting the waters in their brand new boat. Feeling the breeze in your hair as you zip around in a speed boat or enjoying the scenery as you cruise along in a pontoon or catching that prize winning fish in a bass boat.

But let me tell you, as someone who owns a boat (not from lottery winnings): Boats will be the death of you.

Imgaine if you will this scenario: You just got to the boat after a LONG week and all you want to do is relax. You brought a cooler full of sandwiches and Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade. The CD player is full of Jimmy Buffet ready to sing about volcanoes and margaritas.

And the damn boat won't start. You try everything, adding more gas, jump;ing the battery cursing so loud the 4 year old next door was forced to add some new words to their volcabulary, but nothing worked. Now you are more worked up than you were before you tried to start the boat. And of course, the marina is closed so there is no one to help you.

Welcome to what I like to call Sunday's at my lake house.

And people wonder why I bought a canoe at age 14. Reason: The only way they won't start is if a sasquatch ripped off your arms and left you unable to use a paddle.

~ The Office Scribe