Horror Movie Survival Tip #1

Every so often I will present you, my readers, with tips that if taken into consideration, could help you survive a horror movie, or a similar situation.  I like you guys, and don't want to lose any of you to a random act of slashing that could have been avoided.

Horror Movie Survival Tip #1

Never use so much bubble bath that you can't see the bottom of the tub.

See: Nightmare on Elm Street, Slither

A Total "Eclipse" of My Sanity

I have been joking recently that stress at work may cause me to lose my mind before the stockings are hung by the chimney with care.

Last night was the first sign that my psyche is waning - I watched "Eclipse".

Well, first I watched "Die Hard".  And after I watched "Super Troopers".

So I guess I am not a lost cause yet.

Or am I?

~ The Office Scribe

10 Things I Learned at the Chicago Marathon

1) While running 26.2 miles it a true test of endurance, a truer test of endurance is how long one can remain on a stalled "L" train, packed like a sardine with hundreds of tourists, before the pry open the doors and see how dangerous that third rail really is.

2) "Bloody nipples" is not just a joke made by Andy Bernard from "The Office".  That shit it real.

3) Runners are slobs.  After the race, the streets of Chicago were littered with banana peels, sponges, and those who could not finish.

4) It's not a racist or stereotypical comment if it's true.

5) Cops from the South side know nothing about the North side (and so it should remain for all time).

6) iPhones have the worlds most annoying alarm feature.  I thought my friend's apartment was on fire.

7) Those who dare to run while dressed like national monuments get the loudest cheers.

8) Cold pot stickers from Jewel at 10:00 a.m. are mighty tasty.

9) Just because the label says Tonic Water that doesn't mean the bottle contains Tonic Water.

10) My friend Kate truly is my hero for running her first marathon, finishing, and still having the strength to go out for deep dish pizza afterwards.

~ The Office Scribe

Hollywood Has No Idea What A Persian Looks Like

When I hear the word Persian, the first thing I think of is this:

Then maybe followed by this:

I don't think this:

Or this:

Take note Hollywood.  Take note.

~ The Office Scribe

Omegle Quiz #1: Name Your Favorite Planet

For those of you who don't know, here is the description of what Omegle is, straight from the site:

Omegle is a great way of meeting new friends. When you use Omegle, we pick another user at random and let you have a one-on-one chat with each other. Chats are completely anonymous, although there is nothing to stop you from revealing personal details if you would like.

So last night I decided to try it out.  And when I got tired of guys offering to show me their junk, I decided to start a little poll.  I asked the random people a question and here are the answers I received:

Name your favorite planet:

Uranus: 6 (No surprise here)

Mars: 5

Jewipiter: 1 (That is how the guy spelled it)

Cirus: 1 (I questioned the answer and the stranger replied: It will be one day)

Earth: 1

Pluto: 1

Immediate Disconnects*: 11

This was fun, so check back in occasionally for more Omegle polls.

~ The Office Scribe

* I can only assume these were people who weren't interested in planets but, as mentioned earlier, in wanting to show me their junk.

AFI #99 (1998): Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

Title: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
Year: 1967
Director: Stanley Kramer
Staring: Spencer Tracy, Sidney Poitier, Katherine Hepburn

Plot: A couple is put to the test when their daughter brings home a fiance who is black.

Have I Seen It Before: No

Do I Own It: No

Famous Line: I don't think I'm going to faint, but I'll sit down anyway.

Fun Fact: Katharine Hepburn's character's daughter is played by her real life niece Katharine Houghton. (Thanks to my mom for supplying me with that tidbit of knowledge.)

Any Mention of Illinois? Sadly, I think the talk of teaching in Geneva was about the one in Switzerland.

Five Thoughts I Had While Watching This Film:

1) As a parent I don't think my main concern would be the difference in race. I would be more concerned about the age gap, he'd been married before, short time they had known each other, and getting married in a foreign country.

2) Spencer Tracy is adorable in this film and totally reminded me of James Whitmore, which, as I found out from IMDB, is a common thought.

3) Holy cow, didn't they made a modern day version of this with Ashton Kutcher and that chick from "Avatar"?  Why, oh why, would they have done that?

4) I need a sassy housekeeper.  As much as I like to cook, I want one for the snappy banter.  (I also want a British butler - but that has nothing to do with this movie and more to do with Batman.)

5) How did I make it through almost 2 years of studying film, and taking black history and writing classes, and not see this movie?  Sure, they made me read The Bluest Eye every semester, but I didn't get to see this fabulous flick.

This movie deserves to be on this list if for nothing more than it takes place in the span of a day, which most of my fav movies tend to do.  (Okay, so Twister was more like 2 days, but who's counting?)

Next up: #99 (2008) Toy Story

~ The Office Scribe

AFI #100: Yankee Doodle Dandy

Title: Yankee Doodle Dandy
Year: 1942
Director: Michael Curtiz
Staring: James Cagney, Joan Leslie, Walter Houston

Plot: The life story of composer, playwright, dancer and singer George M. Cohan

Have I Seen It Before: Yes

Do I Own This Movie: No

Famous Line: My mother thanks you.  My father thanks you.  My sister thanks you.  And I thank you.

Fun Fact!:  George M. Cohan picked James Cagney to play him.

Any Mention of Illinois: Yes! Family was waiting at a train station in Illinois and remarked about how cold it was in Spring!

Five Thoughts I Had While Watching This Movie:


1) The did a fantastic job aging people.  This movie was made in 1942, about 123 years before the invention of computers and long before The Curious Case of Benjamin Button won an Oscar.  The people actually looked old.  Take that CGI!

2) Actors back in the day had to be hella talented.  They could sing, dance, and act.  And it made me realize that, according to these standards, Zac Efron is the most talented human in the world.  DAMN YOU DISNEY!

3) I did phase out at one point and become more interested in checking my Twitter feed.  I mean, I love a musical number but come on.

2) God bless the crazy, frenetic delivery of the actors.  They sped through the dialog so fast if you weren't paying attention, you'd miss something.  But it was also incredibly realistic.  In real life, people actually do talk fast.

1) Women wore hats back in those days and I really wish we still did.  I want to walk around with a smart little piece of miller work on my hat while having cocktails wit the girls at 21.

Overall, I like the movie, but like I said, it did drag a bit.  Of course, I think that is because I was raised in a society where things generally explode in movies every 15 minutes to keep people interested.  Sadly, this movie had no explosions.

~ The Office Scribe

The AFI Film Challenge

Because I love a good challenge (See my post over at Asleep Under My Desk for an example) and because I love movies, I have decided to watch all of the Top 100 AFI Films, in order, and blog about them.

Why?

Because it's easier than reading the top 100 greatest novels ever written.

So tomorrow, the first movie shows up (thanks NetFlix!) and I will start my quest.

Here are the films, in order* (I am starting at the bottom and working my way up)

1.CITIZEN KANE (1941) 

2.CASABLANCA (1942) 

3.GODFATHER, THE (1972) 

4.GONE WITH THE WIND (1939) 

5.LAWRENCE OF ARABIA (1962) 

6.WIZARD OF OZ, THE (1939) 

7.GRADUATE, THE (1967) 

8.ON THE WATERFRONT (1954) 

9.SCHINDLER'S LIST (1993) 

10.SINGIN' IN THE RAIN (1952) 

11.IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946) 

12.SUNSET BOULEVARD (1950) 

13.BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI, THE (1957) 

14.SOME LIKE IT HOT (1959) 

15.STAR WARS (1977) 

16.ALL ABOUT EVE (1950) 

17.AFRICAN QUEEN, THE (1951) 

18.PSYCHO (1960) 

19.CHINATOWN (1974) 

20.ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST (1975) 

21.GRAPES OF WRATH, THE (1940) 

22.2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968) 

23.MALTESE FALCON, THE (1941) 

24.RAGING BULL (1980) 

25.E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL (1982) 

26.DR. STRANGELOVE (1964) 

27.BONNIE & CLYDE (1967) 

28.APOCALYPSE NOW (1979) 

29.MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON (1939) 

30.TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE (1948) 

31.ANNIE HALL (1977) 

32.GODFATHER PART

33.HIGH NOON (1952) 

34.TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD (1962) 

35.IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT (1934) 

36.MIDNIGHT COWBOY (1969) 

37.BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES, THE (1946) 

38.DOUBLE INDEMNITY (1944) 

39.DOCTOR ZHIVAGO (1965) 

40.NORTH BY NORTHWEST (1959) 

41.WEST SIDE STORY (1961) 

42.REAR WINDOW (1954) 

43.KING KONG (1933) 

44.BIRTH OF A NATION, THE (1915) 

45.STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE, A (1951) 

46.CLOCKWORK ORANGE, A (1971) 

47.TAXI DRIVER (1976) 

48.JAWS (1975) 

49.SNOW WHITE & THE SEVEN DWARFS (1937) 

50.BUTCH CASSIDY & THE SUNDANCE KID (1969) 

51.PHILADELPHIA STORY, THE(1940) 

52.FROM HERE TO ETERNITY (1953) 

53.AMADEUS (1984) 

54.ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT (1930) 

55.SOUND OF MUSIC, THE (1965) 

56.M*A*S*H(1970) 

57.THIRD MAN, THE (1949) 

58.FANTASIA (1940) 

59.REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE (1955) 

60.RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981) 

61.VERTIGO (1958) 

62.TOOTSIE (1982) 

63.STAGECOACH (1939) 

64.CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (1977) 

65.SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, THE (1991) 

66.NETWORK (1976) 

67.MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE, THE (1962) 

68.AMERICAN IN PARIS, AN (1951) 

69.SHANE (1953) 

70.FRENCH CONNECTION, THE (1971) 

71.FORREST GUMP (1994) 

72.BEN-HUR (1959) 

73.WUTHERING HEIGHTS (1939) 

74.GOLD RUSH, THE (1925) 

75.DANCES WITH WOLVES (1990) 

76.CITY LIGHTS (1931) 

77.AMERICAN GRAFFITI (1973) 

78.ROCKY (1976) 

79.DEER HUNTER, THE (1978) 

80.WILD BUNCH, THE (1969) 

81.MODERN TIMES (1936) 

82.GIANT (1956) 

83.PLATOON (1986) 

84.FARGO (1996) 

85.DUCK SOUP (1933) 

86.MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY (1935) 

87.FRANKENSTEIN (1931) 

88.EASY RIDER (1969) 

89.PATTON (1970) 

90.JAZZ SINGER, THE (1927) 

91.MY FAIR LADY (1964) 

92.PLACE IN THE SUN, A(1951) 

93.APARTMENT, THE (1960) 

94.GOODFELLAS (1990) 

95.PULP FICTION (1994) 

96.SEARCHERS, THE (1956) 

97.BRINGING UP BABY (1938) 

98.UNFORGIVEN (1992) 

99.GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER (1967) 

100. YANKEE DOODLE DANDY (1942)

* This list came out in 1998.  10 years later, AFI revamped the list.  Here are the movies that weren't on the original list which I will be watching also, as close to their spot on the list as possible.

18. GENERAL, THE (1927) 

49. INTOLERANCE (1916) 

50. LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING, THE (2001) 

59. NASHVILLE (1975) 

63. CABARET (1972) 

67. WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF? (1966) 

71. SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (1998) 

72. SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, THE (1994) 

75. IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT (1967) 

77 ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN (1976) 

81 SPARTACUS (1960) 

82. SUNRISE (1927) 

83 TITANIC (1997) 

85 NIGHT AT THE OPERA, A (1935) 

87 12 ANGRY MEN (1957) 

89. SIXTH SENSE, THE (1999) 

90. SWING TIME (1936) 

91. SOPHIE'S CHOICE (1982) 

95 LAST PICTURE SHOW, THE (1971) 

96 DO THE RIGHT THING (1989) 

97. BLADE RUNNER (1982) 

99 TOY STORY (1995) 

I don't know how long it will take but I feel like this is a worthy task.  Plus, it will be a great ice breaker when I need something to talk about with people in bars.

~ The Office Scribe

Quasimodo's Playlist

I never go anywhere without my iPod. It's not even that I am a huge fan of music. I just like noise. I bring it to work. I use it in my car. I play games on it while I am in waiting rooms. I watch movies on the little screen when the power goes out.

Let's just say I really love my iPod.

Earlier today I was scrolling through my music library and I noticed that I have quite a few songs with the word bell in the title.  I found this interesting, because who would have thought the word bell was so popular.

I'll tell you who.  This guy.

Yeah, that is Quasimodo, the protagonist from the Victor Hugo novel The Hunchback of Notre Dame. The man did two things: rings bells and chat with gargoyles.

He would love my iPod.

So Ladies and Gentlemen, I present...

Quasimodo's Playlist

Track #1: I Hear The Bells - Mike Doughty

This song might be familiar to those of you who are fans of the short lived show Veronica Mars. Warning - if you download this song you may, like me, listen to it on repeat because you can't get enough of it.

Track #2: Tubular Bells - Michael Gordon Oldfield

Hmm, what is this little gem?  Oh, that's right.  It's the theme from The Exorcist.  Nothing like rocking out to a song which recalls green bile and head spinning hilarity.

Track #3: For Whom The Bell Tolls - Metallica

The version I like is the one off the S&M album because it is the perfect mashup of metal and a symphony.  I like to picture a young Mozart rocking out to this tune on the harpsicord.

Track #4: Carol of the Bells - Trans Siberian Orchestra

Come December 1, this becomes my ringtone, but that doesn't mean I don't listen to it the other 11 months of the year.

Track #5: Michelle (My Belle) - The Beatles

Okay, okay.  I know the official title is just Michelle, but it seems that most people think the title includes the word bell so I added it.  What's a playlist without The Beatles anyway?

Track #6: Saved By The Bell - ?

I don't know who wrote this TV theme song (if I was motivated I could find it on Wikipedia I am sure) but everyone in my generation knows every word to this song and will until the day we die.

Track #7: Belle - From Beauty and the Beast

We preformed this as a musical when I was in 5th grade.  I tried out for the part of Lumiere and ended up being a bar wench.  Did my music teacher know something about my future that I didn't?  Perhaps.

Track #8: Ring My Bell - Anita Ward

Disco Demolition may have happened at Comisky back in the day but that didn't stop me from putting this song on my iPod.

Track #9: Jingle Bell Rock - Bobby Helms

It may have come out in 1957 but it is now associated with Mean Girls which is better than associating Lindsay Lohan with Mean Girls.

Track #10: Poison by Bell Biv Davoe

Bell might not be in this title either but it's in the band (?) name and that's reason enough to include it on this list.  Well that and I remember choreographing ice skating routines on my lake to this jam when I was a kid.  Come on, picture a nine year old white girl attempting to pull off some sort of crazy untrained jump while the lyrics 

It's driving me out of my mind 

That's why it's hard for me to find

Can't get her out of my head 

Miss her, kiss her, Wrong move you're dead

blares from a Sony boombox on the shore.  It was badass.

Is there a song that should be included on this list that I forgot?  Let me know in comments and I promise to mock your choices.

~ The Office Scribe

Reason #274 Why I Should Be Dead: Close Contact With Killer Whales

It's been all over the news (both the kind you watch and the kind Yahoo! makes you read before it lets you check your e-mail).

TRAINER KILLED BY KILLER WHALE

Holy crap! I thought.  That is unbelievable.  It turns out the in front of a giant audience at Sea World Orlando, a whale grabbed a female trainer off the side of the tank in its jaws and thrashed her around.  It is unclear if she died from drowning or the thrashing.  The article I read also pointed out the fact that this animal was involved in other human deaths.

WHAT?!?!?!

Okay, so why am I freaking out?  I mean, I work in an office, not with Killer Whales (Though when I was a kid I did want to be a marine biologist.)

Because when I was like 7 my mom was on Wheel of Fortune.  Yeah, it was as awesome as you think it would be.  I believe she coined the term "Game Show-aholic".  Any who, while we were out in California we did all kinds of awesome tourist things, which included a trip to Sea World San Diego.

Since I wanted to make sure we had seats in the Splash Zone I dragged my parents to the show area uber early.  It was cool that I was such a punctual kid, because one of the trainers approached my family and said that a baby whale had been born recently and did my family of three want to meet the whale family of three.

Oh.  Hell.  Yes.

I don't imagine there is anything more exciting for a kid that being in front of a few thousand people.  (Okay, maybe I was and still am some sort of attention whore...)  I remember it like it was more recent than 21 years ago.

I got to throw handfuls of raw fish into the whales mouth.  My dad got to pet the whale.  And my mom, the woman who gave me life, got to do the coolest thing of all.  She leaned over the tank and held her arms out in an "o" and the freaking whale came up and she HUGGED IT!  Somewhere I have a picture of this momentous occasion.

An occasion which I now look back on and think "It would have been so easy for that whale to have grabbed my 7 year old ass and dragged me to the briny depths of that tank."

Ah, childhood memories.  Thanks for sullying them Yahoo!

~ The Office Scribe

Damn Target! That's Kinky

Okay, so it's Valentine's Day.  I picked up on this because of the numerous KY commercials and the overabundance of red and pink candy that has shown up in my candy dish at the office.  

But seeing as how I am single, and even if I wasn't not a fan of V-Day, I didn't have any plans.  Well, I did.  My mom, Gram and I headed out to enjoy some Chinese food because today is also Chinese New Year (Go Tigers!)

On my way back from lunch I decided to swing by Target to pick up some stuff I needed, in addition to some stuff I didn't need.  (Come on, have you ever left a Target without picking up some extras?)

So I did my shopping, only picking up a few items which of course, I couldn't live without.  I hit up Register #1 threw my items and had the following conversation:

Checker:  Good evening and Happy Valentine's Day to you.

TOS:  Thanks, same to you.

Checker: Is everything out of your basket? (Note: I didn't have a basket OR shopping cart.)

TOS: Um, yep.

Checker:  Looks like your getting ready to celebrate Valentine's Day.

Now, this comment would have been appropriate had my shopping list consisted of condoms, boxed wine, a heart shaped box of chocolates, Iron Man Valentines, and some trashy underwear.

But I was purchasing the following:

- Thank You Notes with polka dots on them

- 3 inch mesh strainer

- Post It Notes

- Moonlight: The Complete Series on DVD

- Tinactin (Don't judge me)

What kind of kinky ass evening was the chick from Target thinking I was about to have?

Please, I would love all of your thoughts on this one.

~ The Office Scribe

Proof That Italians Are CRAZY

I am a sucker for intriguing Yahoo! News headlines.  So when I saw one today that said 'McDonalds meals parks outcry in Italy" I had to read it.

As it turns out, McDonald's hs created a new burger called the McItaly which has all the Italians who are anti Fast Food in an uproar.  Now, I understand wanting to keep food locally grown and out of the hands of corporate mega chains, but as I read the article, I realized one thing.

Italians are crazy.

The McItaly, for those who don't know, is a burger made from native beef covered in provolone and artichoke spread.

Excuse me while I book a ticket to Italy...

Are you serious Italians?  You are freaking out about what might possibly be the most delicious burger created by man since the Whiskey River BBQ Burger at Red Robin?  Shame on you.

I would eat a roofing shingle if it had artichoke spread on it.

No wonder the Roman civilization failed.

~ The Office Scribe

The Best $170 Nap Ever!

Yesterday my mom and I went to go see "August: Osage County" which is a Tony Award winning play written by someone from the Steppenwolf Theater.  It did awesome here, went to Broadway, and kicked all forms of ass.  Which is why I was super excited when it came back to town and we got tickets as part of our season ticket package.

Our seats are pretty good, as in row K on the main aisle good.  So our tickets don't come cheap, but they are worth it.

Which I guess it why the two older ladies who obviously lived on the North Shore of Chicago bought tickets in the row in front of us.

They were chatty before the production began, talking to my mom and me about how they love the theater and how sweet it is that my mom and I do things like that together.  They talked about how much they loved the playwright and how when the play was at the Steppenwolf they were crushed because they couldn't get tickets.  Which, is why, when it came back to town, they bought the best tickets they could, at $170 a pop! (Over 2 times more than what I paid for my ticket.)

So the play starts, and about 10 minutes into the first act the brunette bitys head dips down in what is the obvious posture of someone who is napping.  And it remains in that same position for the entire first act. I was afraid that when the house lights came up she wasn't going to move and I would see my first dead body in a theater.  But she woke up when the lights came on.

Then the second act starts, and the blonde one slumps over in her chair.  My mom nudges me and whispers, "I think she's asleep."  Again, I was afraid she had died.  (I know, I am kinda morbid.)

When the play finally ends, of which both women probably missed a good 75 minutes, they could not stop raving about how wonderful it was.

I know these ladies saw it as a status symbol to come and see this play in such good seats, but why not pay me the $170 a piece to see it, I'll write a report on it, and you can have my PlayBill and ticket stub if you need proof to show someone that you were there.

It's a perfect situation!

~ The Office Scribe

Sometimes You Just Can't Be Bothered

A short story about how bloody lazy I was on Friday...

Sometimes I spend the weekend at my mom's place, which means I leave straight after work and head an hour and a half north.

Last Friday, I was 45 minutes into my drive and suddenly couldn't remember if I had turned my humidifier off.  And the cheapass one I bought doesn't have an auto switch off.  Which means, when it runs out of water the heating element stays out.  This could possibly cause a fire.

So I turned around and went back home to check, right?

Nope.  I kept driving with the belief that if my apartment started to burn the management company would call me.

Seriously, I checked my phone about a dozen times this weekend, sure I was going to have a message from them saying "We aren't sure how it started but the entire building is gone.  And we think it originated in your unit."

Luckily, that call never came and when I came home today I did, in fact, turn the thing off.

My god I need to sort out my priorities.

~ The Office Scribe

Slots That Need Filling

For Christmas my mom bought me one of these:

Problem was, my knife block was already full.

So for my birthday (which is in like a week or so) she bought me this:

The problem is, now I have about 8 empty slots.

Oh whatever will I find to fill my slot?

Come on people, this is ripe for comments.

~ The Office Scribe

Not The Smoothest Line I've Heard...

Last night my friend Stubbs and I went to go see "Up In The Air" and then grab a bite to eat.  I intended to spend today writing a clever review about the movie, which was also clever, but instead decided that what happened after the movie would make for a far more interesting blog post.

The movie ended around 8:30 so my friend and I headed over to a new brewery/restaurant which had just opened.  The place was jammed with people (it being new and a Saturday night) so we put our names down for a table and headed to grab a beer in the bar.  One of the greatest things about micro breweries is that they make their own beer in small batches which are phenomenal compared to macro brewed beers.  I looked at the list and settled on an IBA, which is a hybrid between an American Brown Ale and an India Pale Ale.  It was quite tasty.

While we were chatting and sipping on the tasty brews, a guy approached us.  The first thing I noticed was the rockin' neck tribal neck tattoo which curled oh-so gracefully up and around his ear.  The second thing I noticed was that he was walking with a swagger one only gets after imbibing in a few too many beers.

Mr. Sophisticated, in his leather motocross jacket, was trying his best to engage us in conversation, but failed miserably on so many levels I'm sure he would have needed an elevator to make it back to his starting position.

FAIL #1
- Aside from the neck tattoo and the hideous jacket, his ensemble was completed by a scruffy goatee and a t-shirt which may or may not have been the popular (if only for mocking) Mountain Three Wolf Moon one which I can say he was not rockin' in an ironic, hipster way. (BTW - If you have some time on your hands, sit back and read some of the reviews for this shirt.  They are spectacular.)

FAIL #2
- He came up and asked us for a light.  Okay, now I have had guys use, this as a line on me before, but it is usually while standing outside, possibly with people who are smoking.  Not generally while inside a bar.  And by the way that line is much better when delivered by a girl to a guy.  There is nothing chivalrous about a chick having to dig into her purse to find a light for you.

FAIL #3
- Repetition.  This guy must have said "This is the first time I have been to this bar" or another variation on that statement about 12 times within the first 10 minutes of talking to him.  If you say something to a girl once and she doesn't comment back, you can repeat it,  just in case she didn't hear you.  Shouting it at her constantly = not cool.

FAIL #4
- He kept telling us he was trouble.  Guys who are really bad boys don't feel the need to go around and tell everyone.  And when we asked him why, his answer was "because I am."  Gentlemen - Because is never an answer, or at least one which will keep the ladies interested.

FAIL #5
- We are at a microbrewery and he was drinking Miller Lite.  (((shudder))))

FAIL #6
- Have I mentioned that he did some time in the big house?  Oh, yeah, cause he did.  He felt the need to tell 2 strange females about how he hasn't been out lately because he was in jail for 13 years.  Why?  Oh, believe me, I asked.  Turns out, he went all "badass on a cop".  Guess what.  I like cops. (And firemen - yum)  So I was not super impressed that he was put in the slammer because he is a douche bag.

So, I did what any girl in my situation would do.  I started to convince him I may or may not be a serial killer.  That's right ladies, you want a douchey -drunk- hillbilly to leave you alone.  Tell him you like to tie people up, then cut them into pieces and dispose of the evidence in a swamp.

Or you could just pray that you table pager goes off and you can escape from the insanity.

The choice is yours.

~ The Office Scribe

Evidence That I Need To Go Grocery Shopping

Did you ever see the movie Fight Club?  Well, if not, you were someone not breathing in the late 90s but I digress.  Anyhow, there is a part in the movie where Edward Norton's characters apartment blows up and he comments on the sad condition of the contents of his fridge.

Narrator: A house full of condiments and no food... how embarrassing. 

This is the quote that popped into my head today as I cleaned out my fridge.  I decided to do so because I noticed this morning when I went to make breakfast that the eggs had expired in November and the heavy cream I was going to put in my coffee had become a solid.

Here is a walk through what is currently in the fridge, after I cleaned it out.

Veggies & Fruit:

You'll first notice that there are no vegetable or fruit in the designated drawers.  This isn't because I don't like fruits and veggies.  It's just that those are the first things that rot when you don't use them in a few days.  So to save food and money, I usually only keep frozen veggies in my place.  And I do have some oranges in a basket on my counter.  I have been eating about 3 a day so they won't go bad.  This means I have so much Vitamin C pumping through my system there is no way in hell I will ever get swine Flu.

Beverages:

I have a friend that says you can tell if a fridge is owned by a female in their 20s because it only has beverages in it.  Normally, this is true.  But when I cleaned out the fridge I found some Jager, a bottle of Reisling, and these three cans of beer which I can only assume (i.e. pray to god) were left over from some party I had where were ran out of good beer and switched to (gag) Busch Light.

BBQ Sauce:

I bought this GIANT bottle of BBQ sauce sometime last summer and it's a good thing that BBQ sauce has an expiration date similar to the half life of Plutonium, because this thing is going to last me for years.  But it was so cheap!

Butter:

I have a LOT of butter in my fridge.  And nothing to put butter on.  You know how sometimes people with OCD always have to buy something.  I think in my case it is butter.  It's like I see it on sale and think "This is a fabulous price!  I can't not buy butter!"  Call Dr. Drew because I might need an intervention.

Condiments:

Yeah, in this photo you can see, in addition to my butter cache and the aforementioned random alcohol, a lot of condiments, which are generally applied to food, which I don't have.  It's like an I Spy came.  Can you find the following:

- 2 jars of Mayo with Olive Oil

- Hoisin Sauce

- Real Maple Syrup (which I only use in a heart attack recipe called Baconey Goodness)

- Franks Hot Sauce

- International Delights Coffee Creamers

- Minced Garlic

- Mango Chutney

So as soon as I am finished writing this I am making out a grocery list so they don't find my corpse after I choke on a concoction made from parmesan cheese and Red Bull.

~ The Office Scribe

I Don't Think I'm An Avatard

The movie with the biggest buzz of the year and I didn't really want to see it.  Odd?  Yes, considering I am a glutton for anything cinematic.  I saw the trailers and watched the HBO making of the movie special.  And while I was extremely impressed with the way in which the movie was filmed, it still didn't make me want to see it.

But then Chris, my friend I have known since high school and who I love to go to movies with, asked if I wanted to go see it this past week.  So I succumbed and agreed to see the movie.  We decided to go big or go home and went to see it on the IMAX in 3D. (Luckily I live like 5 minutes from a theater which shows it in this format.)  And while the tickets were $15 (yowza!) Chris paid for mine as part of my birthday present from last year.

So here are my thoughts on Avatar, in no particular order:

- The 3D glasses they made us wear not only made us look like Harey Carey after a bender but made my eyes hurt so much the next day I don't think I will ever watch a movie in 3D again.  Thanks Avatar for ruining The Amityville Horror 3 for me.


- The visuals in the movie were breathtaking, even if they forest floor of the planet Pandora was made from the same material as a disco floor.

- I understand that some of the scenes were dramatic but just as I was about to get into the story I realized that the drama was being played out by 11 foot blue people and I dissolved into giggles.

- Sigourney Weaver, who is an amazing actress, was the best part of the movie by far.  Except when she was a blue person dressed like someone from the Stanford Ultimate Frisbee Team.

- Sam Worthington is hot but his legs were wicked skinny.  I really REALLY hope that they were digitally wilted because otherwise that guy has some chicken legs.

- I get the connection with Aliens, but did we really need to see the walking robot suits again?  Made me think Mr Cameron was running out of ideas.

- I was a little uncomfortable with all the blue nudity.  Why is it that humans seem to be the only species in the universe to have invented chinos?

- Trying to read subtitles for a made-up language while wearing 3D glasses is not easy.

- That was one big ass tree.

- I had a brief panic attack at the end of the movie when the credits began to roll because I thought Celine Dion was singing and I started to have a horrible Titanic flashback.

So, in conclusion, it was a pretty movie but with a basic, predictable plot which won't do well on video since the format to see it in is big screen.  I tell people to not see it in 3D since it isn't that 3D-ish.

Or you could scrap it all together and just watch old episodes of The Smurfs because they at least had a sweet villain.

I give it 5 out of 10 paperclips.




~ The Office Scribe

I Mean, Aside From The Costume...

While at my mom's house this weekend I re-watched the entire series of Aeon Flux (calm down people, there were only 10 episodes...).  And then I watched the 2005 movie.

I came to the conclusion that there was one glaring difference between the TV show and the movie.

A plot.

See, the TV show didn't really have a plot, aside from Aeon being a badass and Trevor wanting her badass.  The movie had a beginning, middle, and an end.

But still, I liked the TV show better.  Perhaps it's because I loved watching it on MTV while I babysat (I didn't have cable).  Or because it was so different from anything else on TV.  Chances are it was more like because I liked not exactly knowing what was going on.  And because I wanted to be Aeon when I grew up (still working on that....)

So MTV - Stop showing us countless reruns of "The Hills" or "The City" or whatever other douche bag and dumbass filled show you are putting on instead of music videos or something even remotely entertaining.

Because I think Jay and Silent Bob said it best.



Good thoughts boys.

~ The Office Scribe

Beware The Sangria Monster - A New Year's Tale

According to Twitter last night was New Year's Eve, which explains why I found myself in downtown Chicago with an overnight bag and bottles of liquor.  My friend decided to have a party at her condo because at our advanced age (I'll be 28 in February) the idea of hanging out in a crowded bar and paying $8 for a beer just doesn't seem to have the appeal it used to.

Everyone who came to the party had to wear pajamas, which is possibly the best theme for a party I have ever been too.  No tight clothing.  No high heals.  No overdone makeup.  Just cute flannel PJ's and fuzzy slippers.

My friend was all ambitious and everything and decided to make Sangria from scratch.  She even had it in a cool glass jar so you could see the fruit floating like little jewels in the red wine.  Some of the first people who drank it said it seemed a little strong.  Others of us didn't think so - which says all kinds of things about our alcohol tolerance. Anyway, we quickly drained the jar and decided to make a second batch.  I had switched to Coronas at this point but you would have thought this Sangria was the cure to all of lifes problems.  People were so into this drink that when the second batch was gone they just began eating the alcohol ladden fruit.


I can't imagine how the Sangria people feel this morning, because one of the worst headaches you can have is from over consumption of wine.  (Personally, I feel fine this morning except for the ache where I think I pulled a muscle while dancing and a sore throat from singing "Love Song" like Louis Armstrong.)

But I think the worst damage that the Sangria monster did last night was the the kitchen countertops.  There was sticky red marks all over my friends white counters, which would not come off even with the most vigorous of scrubbing.  She will need to pour about half a bottle of bleach on those stains so people who come over don't think she slaughters her own poultry.

All in all it was a fun New Year's Eve but now I need a shower, a nap, and a venti quad nonfat latte from Starbucks before I can be my usual charming self.

~ The Office Scribe