An Open Letter To The Guy Who Tasered A Butcher in Joliet

*Note:  This post is inspired by stuff you would find over at The Open Letters Blog and a report I heard on the radio.

Background:  According to a Chicago Sun Times article a young man got pissed off when he was thrown out of a grocery store in Joilet, Illinois so he came back with a Taser and jolted the stores butcher.

Dear Guy who Tasered The Butcher in Joliet,

You have to be the dumbest person in Joliet, and for anyone who knows anything about Joliet, that is saying a lot.

I'll ignore the fact the you got thrown out of a grocery store, a feat unto itself.  I'll even ignore the fact that you felt so mad you came back armed.  But when you returned, you attacked THE ONE PERSON IN THE STORE WITH THE POWER TO MESS YOU UP.  As a former butcher, I know that within a three foot radius I could have grabbed about a dozen items I could have used to inflict severe bodily harm on you.  Knifes, sharpening steels, saws, frozen legs of lamb, the list goes on and on.  I'll assume you caught the butcher off guard otherwise I think you your new prison nickname would be "Left Nut" or "Stumpy".

Should you be dumb enough to find yourself in this circumstance again I would suggest you attack someone at the Deli counter.  A pint of macaroni salad doesn't hurt as much as a meat cleaver to the sternum.

Love,
The Office Scribe
Former Meat Cleaving Badass Turned Cubicle Monkey

Harold And Kumar Go To St. Louis

I am at that age (mid-late twenties) where it seems like everyone I know is getting married. This summer I was invited to no less that 5 weddings. So aside from being broke I am also not wearing heels again until next spring.

The last wedding I went to was in St. Louis last weekend. A good high school friend of mine was getting hitched so my friends and I all road tripped down there to witness the nuptials. (Well, the ceremony - not the wedding night. That would be both kinky and gross.) For me it was the first time I have traveled outside Chicago for a wedding. And boy was it an experience.

I learned a lot of things while down in St. Louis, like the cops are so nice while giving you a ticket you can't badmouth them afterwards. Or that going up in the Arch doesn't trigger my vertigo but standing at the top of a 30 foot slide at the City Museum does. Or, and this is the most important thing, no one in the suburbs of St. Louis eats after 8:00 PM.

I am not even kidding on that last life lesson learned. So there were four of us who went down early and played tourist. We spent the day hanging out and ended our night at a bar across from our hotel. After one round we asked our waiter where we might find some food. He snarkily said "Our kitchen is closed." That's nice, but we wanted to eat anywhere. "Sorry, there may be a sports bar open or something, I'm not sure. It's late."

It was 10:30PM on a Friday night.

If I had been in the suburb I live in outside Chicago I know where to get a burger at 10:30PM, a sub a 12:00AM and a burrito until 3AM. But in St. Louis apparently there is no place to get even a lukewarm cup of coffee. So we did what any logical city dweller on vacation would do and went out in search of food. Luckily, we found a Hardees which was open until midnight. Mind you, not a huge fan of Hardees but when you are so hungry you would eat a shrub, Hardees is pretty damn good.

The next day, Saturday, was the actual wedding. It was lovely. And possibly one of the best meals I have ever eaten at a wedding. And lots and lots of quality liquor. But between the dancing and the dehydration when we got back to the hotel once again, we were starving. So me, two bridesmaids, and a friend decided to go on the hunt for the most elusive of late night food; White Castle.

Armed with an iPhone we managed to find one which was only "an inch away" (That's iPhone speak for about 20 minutes". Normally we would have no hesitation heading that far for some sliders, but this was St. Louis. We feared that perhaps, it might be closed like everything else in the freaking city. But as we crested the last hill and saw the illuminated sign shining like a beacon in the night, we nearly wept with job.

$40 bucks later we headed back to the hotel with a Crave Case and sacks of fries in hand. I have never been so happy or full in my life.

So while my story, like the plot of a buddy comedy, had a happy ending, treat this blog entry as a warning should you ever find yourself in St. Louis and hungry as hell. Finding food without the aid of modern technology is damn near impossible.

~ The Office Scribe

P.S. - This also applies should you find yourself in Port Angeles, Washington, where the only thing open past 8:00PM is a Pizza Hut/Taco Bell.

Who Doesn't Appreciate A Nice Gift Basket?

Catherine Martin, that's who.

Now you may be asking yourself, "Who is Catherine Martin?  That name sounds familiar."

That's because most people know Catherine Martin as Senator Ruth Martin's daughter a.k.a. the girl who complained about the spa she was at from "Silence of the Lambs".

The ungrateful politician's daughter was a whiny brat while all Buffalo Bill wanted to do was provide her with a lovely gift basket, probably from the Bath and Body Works.  I bet it smelled like Sun Ripened Raspberry.

And then he offered her some hydrotherapy, which isn't cheap and is also very relaxing.

This topic actually came up at trivia last night when a question was asked about Clarice Starling.  Naturally anytime the movie is brought up people bring up the scene where Buffalo Bill is just getting in touch with his femanine side.  During the conversation I did learn about a wonderful little song and video on YouTube which I think explains Buffalo Bill better than anything I could write.

Enjoy!

~ The Office Scribe

Okay, maybe I just so desperately need a vacation that a trip down the well at BB's sounds like a good time... (shrug)

Fun Ways To Get Swine Flu

I am sick of people telling me how to not get Swine Flu.  I get it.  If I want to stay healthy I should wash my hands.  Fine.  I do that anyway.  And I hope to god everyone else does too, but I know that isn't the case.  Which weirds me out.  It's like people who try on underwear.  Ewwww.

But the question I have is: What if I want to get Swine Flu?  What if I want to ensure that I come down with a raging case that leaves me weak, sickly, and 20 pounds lighter?  What if it might be the only way short of a mental breakdown that I can guarantee myself some downtime away from work and other commitments?

So I compiled a list of FUN ways that you and I can get Swine Flu.  And if you think of anything else I would love to read about it in the comments.

DOOR HANDLES

A lot of time people wonder what strange and exotic foods taste like.  But I wonder, have you ever thought what a door handle might taste like?  Perhaps it is time to find out.

CRAIGSLIST

You can pretty much find anything you want on Craigslist.  I am sure if you posted an ad looking from someone to come over and spread the germs you could find one.  Plus you could possibly gain a new friend and the insight as to what the bottom of a well looks like.

FREE DRINKS

You know how people leave drinks when they go to the bathroom (unless you can shove a beer bottle in your cleavage like I do)?  Well, instead of slipping a ruffie into it like you usually would take a big sip and enjoy that martini and whatever germs were back washed into it.

GUTTER SUNDAE

When I was at Girl Scout Camp we used to make Gutter Sundaes which is done by taking a section of gutter (preferably new) and loading it full of ice cream and toppings, then unleashing everyone on it with spoons.  The camp stopped doing it my third year there because people were afraid of the germs you might pick up.  I saw we bring this fine tradition back for just that reason.

REENACT A SCENE FROM YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE

There you are.  You have just stolen a bunch of dinosaur embryos from a secluded lab on an island off the coast of Costa Rica.  It's raining.  You lose control of your car and slide down a hill.  In the middle of the downpour, as you are trying to fix your car, you meet a breed of dinosaur face to face.  When you treat it like a dog it ramps up and spits a giant loogie in your face.  Instead of becoming paralyzed have an infected person spit in your face and voila!  You have Swine Flu!

VAMPIRES

They are trendy.  Whether it be while sparkling in the north woods and driving preteen girls into a fury over a guy who needs to shower.  Or on HBO where they actually act like vampires, bite people, have sex, and are much, much hotter than anything found in Seattle.  Or in the numerous scripts that Hollywood is green lighting to cash in on the popularity of the two aforementioned franchises.  So I suggest you go out and bite someone.  And when they throw you in county lockup you can catch swine flu from a guy named Bubba who has no teeth and facial burns from when his meth lab blew up.

Any of these options create a unique and exciting opportunity to give yourself that much needed break.

~ The Office Scribe

* The Office Scribe in no way condones people going out and getting horribly ill because my luck it will be my co-workers who read this and get sick while I remain healthy as a horse, stuck in my cubicle, doing my work and all of theirs...

"Spring Awakening" Put Me Into A Summer Coma

Normally I try to keep anything culturally significant out of this blog.  I mean, it really isn't a place to debate Mozart vs. Chopin.  But for those of you who don't know I am actually a rather cultured person.  I am a member of several museums, I have stared for hours at my favorite sculpture in the Villa Borghese, and I have season tickets to Broadway in Chicago.

Okay, so my mom has season tickets but she takes me more than anyone else.

Yesterday we drove downtown to see the production of "Spring Awakening" that is in town.  Now I knew nothing of this musical before I went to see it, which doesn't happen too often.  My mom read something about how it is based on a story from the 16th century.  It had music done by someone I have heard of and it was nominated and possibly won some Tony's, so how bad could it be?

As the elderly ladies who sit in front of us said at intermission "Well this was a waste of money". (They and a bunch of people left at intermission)

The only reason I can think that it got such rave revues was the simulated sex acts and the fact that I saw an actresses boob.  As my mom said, "This is like watching Hair meets Dead Poets Society".  And while both of those are great productions they combination of the two left me bored.

The only thing that kept me alert was the promise of Garetts Chicago Mix after the show.

~ The Office Scribe

A Warning To Future Lottery Winners

You know how we all play that game "if I won the lottery what would I buy?".

It's a fun way to pass the time as we work at our jobs as we imagine ourselves dripping in dimonds or cooling off in our infinity edge pool in Malibu.

But I think a lot of people imagine themselves hitting the waters in their brand new boat. Feeling the breeze in your hair as you zip around in a speed boat or enjoying the scenery as you cruise along in a pontoon or catching that prize winning fish in a bass boat.

But let me tell you, as someone who owns a boat (not from lottery winnings): Boats will be the death of you.

Imgaine if you will this scenario: You just got to the boat after a LONG week and all you want to do is relax. You brought a cooler full of sandwiches and Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade. The CD player is full of Jimmy Buffet ready to sing about volcanoes and margaritas.

And the damn boat won't start. You try everything, adding more gas, jump;ing the battery cursing so loud the 4 year old next door was forced to add some new words to their volcabulary, but nothing worked. Now you are more worked up than you were before you tried to start the boat. And of course, the marina is closed so there is no one to help you.

Welcome to what I like to call Sunday's at my lake house.

And people wonder why I bought a canoe at age 14. Reason: The only way they won't start is if a sasquatch ripped off your arms and left you unable to use a paddle.

~ The Office Scribe

A Unique Psychic Ability

It was 2:30 AM on Sunday morning and the craving for some Chicken McNuggets hit my friends and I as we were leaving a bar in Chicago.  It was a lovely night out, fellow drunks out in droves, like us, in search of late night nibbles.

So over the the Rock-in-Roll McDonalds we headed and each ordered a #10.  Instead of walking and eating we thought we would take a load off and consume our tasty food while it was still hot.

About 4 nuggets in my friend Kate notices a highly inebriated young man who can barely hold his head up.  His friends are trying to keep him upright and feed him some food in what I can only assume is some sort of attempt at sobering him up.

So Kate says, "That guy is going to puke."

No sooner had the words left her mouth than the guy heaved and decorated the tile floor of the Mickey D's with stomach acid, beer, and what appeared to be Goldfish crackers.

His friends wisely dragged him off to the bathroom while the employees of the McDonald's were left to clean it up.  (Which they did rather quickly and without complaint.)

Now only if Kate could harness that predicting power into winning us some money in the lottery instead of just knowing when drunks were going to puke we could rule the world.

~  The Office Scribe

Oh, and yes, we did stay at the table about 10 feet away and finish our food.  What?  We were hungry!

Possible Reasons My Neighbors Are Running Their AC On A Cool Day

The weather in Chicago has been kinda loopy lately.  One week it will be hot and humid and the next week everyone is wearing a jacket and carrying umbrellas.  For the past week or so it has been a nice cool 65-75 degree, though it is supposed to warm up this weekend.

But what confuses me is why the people who live in the condo above me are running their AC unit.  It has been running steady for I would say about the past two months.  When they turned it on I was still covering my plants at night afraid they might die from frost.  This is something that has been bothering me; wondering why they are running their AC so much.  Personally I went all last summer without turning it on once and I plan to do so this summer (The house I grew up in didn't have it so I am not used to it.)

So I did the only logical thing I could do - came up with a list of possible reasons as to why they are running their AC when it isn't hot outside.

THEY ARE FROM THE ARCTIC CIRCLE

- There they were, a happy couple all snug in their igloo until Chptah got a transfer to the Chicago suburbs where they can't deal with the heat.  So the only relief he can find is in the comfort of the magical cold box which reminds him so much of home.

SOMEONE ELSE PAYS THEIR COM-ED BILL

- Seriously, I don't even want to know how much higher their electric bill might be than mine.  Aside from not liking AC one of the reasons I don't turn it on is because I don't want to spend the money to run it.  If this thing has been running 24-7 for 60 days I can only assume they have found themselves some sort of Utility Sugar Daddy.  Personally I would have mine pay for cable, but to each his own.

THEY SUFFER FROM COLIC

- Even though they are grown ups they still need the hum of a piece of machinery to sooth them to sleep.  And since the washer and dryer are harder to curl up on, the AC unit was the next logical choice.

THEY SELL EXOTIC MEATS

- Much like the movie "The Freshman", sometimes people want to eat Siberian Tiger or Komodo Dragon.  And since neither of those will fit into a Frigidaire then the only way to keep all that pricey, illegal meat fresh is to drop the temp of your apartment down to freezing.

DEAD BODIES

- Honestly, this was the first place my mind went because, well, that is how my mind works.  I am sure, like the dragon meat, they need to keep the place cool so no one smells the rotting corpses.  Now, I am not saying they killed anyone, hell, it might be some way to scam insurance or social security, but I am like 89% there is a non-breathing body up there.

What do you think?

~ The Office Scribe

A True "Dear John" Letter

Dear John(ny),

Ever since you were sucked into a bed in "A Nightmare on Elm Street" I have been enamored with you.  Sure, I was only 2 at the time but when I saw it later, on late night TV with all the truly bloody parts removed for sensitive viewers I still remember being drawn to you.  Perhaps it was the way you played a cassette tape of airport noises so your mom would thing you were staying at your cousins.  Or the half football jersey you wore the last time you went to sleep.  For whatever reason, I was hooked.

Then came "21 Jump Street" which I will admit I didn't see much of but remember thinking "Hey, that was the guy from that Freddy Kruger movie so I would catch a glimpse of it here and there.  But again, I was 8 at this time and my parents didn't think it was proper television programming such an impressionable youth.

While you were always in the back of my mind it wasn't until the masterpiece that was "Edward Scissorhands" that you cemented yourself as one of my favorite people in the world.  My mother took me to see the movie because she was a big Vincent Price fan, a man I only knew from the doing the voice over in "Thriller".  So we went and I saw the magic which occurred when you and your hetero life mate Tim Burton got together and put pictures on film.  It was magic.

Every time I saw that you would be in a movie I grew excited.  "What's Eating Gilbert Grape", "Ed Wood" and "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" all claimed hours of my life as I watched them.  The characters you played I am sure were interesting on the page of the script but when you got a hold of them you made them your own.

One of my personal favorites, "From Hell", I have watched more times that I care to admit.  You, the darkly intriguing detective with a penchant for ladies in distress and opium dens on the hunt for one of the most notorious serial killers of all time?  Awesome.

But I think your most critically acclaimed role came when you took the chance on staring in a movie based, not on a cartoon or comic book or real person, but on a ride.  I could go on and on about the power that is Captain Jack Sparrow, but writers far wittier than I have done so for years and I will leave it to that.

And you are so multi-talented!  You lent your voice to the show "King of the Hill" and sang your way through "Sweeny Todd".  You played the guitar in "Chocolat" and helped shoot Hunter S. Thompson's ashes from a cannon.  Is there nothing you can do?

Most recently you were in my hometown of Chicago filming "Public Enemies" playing the seductive Robin Hood like character of John Dillinger.  Yes, I had thoughts of tracking you down in the city and trying to convince you that I would be an ideal personal assistant but I restrained myself for fear of upsetting you and possibly obtaining a criminal record.

The only time I thought you may have potentially wavered was with "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" where once again, you teamed up with Tim Burton.  While you were a different type of Willy Wonka you didn't quite catch the power that was Gene Wilder.

But you made up for it with two more turns as Captain Jack Sparrow.

So I had believed you were perfect in every way...

That is, until I went to Yahoo! Main page and saw this:

What.  The. Hell?

Okay, I understand this is "Alice in Wonderland" as done by Tim Burton, but this image may haunt my dreams tonight, and not in the same way as your image used to.  It is scary and disturbing and down right wrong.  I don't think this look so much says "mad" as "I'm sorry I ate your cocker spaniel."

Mr. Depp you didn't quite fall of the pedestal but there was a definite wobble.

~ The Office Scribe

(I grabbed this photo from E! Online which I love so don't come and try and sue me because all you would get would be a chewed on pencil and some garden veggie tortillas.  Plus I love E!  I once sat next to Richard Simmons in the grand stands at the Golden Globes while he was doing cover for the channel and he was kind enough to talk to my aunt on my phone.  Thanks E!)

Who Knew Chewbacca Lived In A Condo?

Now let me just say, I am a sports fan.  I love the Chicago White Sox.  During the fall I wear blue and orange to support the bears.  And every 2-4 years I am glued to the TV watching "athletes" compete in such feats as curling, the luge, and synchronized swimming.

But when I hear people get so pumped up about sports that it borders on bothersome, something needs to be done.

I am (--this--) close to climbing up the balconies of the condo building next to mine spider monkey style and cutting the cable to the apartment that belongs to the Wookie.

Why do I call him the Wookie?

Because almost everyday he is watching what I can only assume to be a Cubs game (I channel surf to see what it might be) and bellowing like a walrus in heat.  I have been swept up in the passion of a good baseball game from time to time where I have been known to hoot and holler a bit, but good lord man!  I am sitting quietly in my apartment, glued to my new TV, and there is a silence shattering noise which cuts through the night - a loud, deep noise that sounds like a chupa cabra in mourning.

So now I have neighbors who have loud nookie and a wookie.

What's next?

No, seriously, what do you think is next?  I want to be prepared...

~ The Office Scribe

* Okay, I grabbed this picture off a random Google Image Search because it was Chewy at a baseball game and I found it fitting.  But then I had to giggle because it looks like the Han wanna-be laid an egg and Chewy is throwing those, possibly at the Death Star.

Oh, So I Guess I Am More Racist Than The Jets...

Last night my mom and I were doing what millions of theater lovers (read into that what you will) were doing by watching the Tony Awards.  We have season tickets to Broadway in Chicago so we are actually a little informed when it comes to plays and musicals.

Or so I thought.

After a performance from "West Side Story" I voiced my disappointment that they chose to perform that scene at the dance where Tony and Maria first meet each other that goes on for way too long instead of my favorite song which is "When You're A Jet".  So my mom and I, much to the chagrin of the dogs who were trying to sleep, start belting out a few bars.

Here are the lyrics as they are known from the musical:

The Jets are in gear,
Our cylinders are clickin'!
The Sharks'll steer clear
'Cause ev'ry Puerto Rican's a lousy chicken! 

Here are the lyrics as I sang them:

The Jets are in gear,
Our cylinders are clickin'!
The Sharks'll steer clear
'Cause ev'ry Puerto Rican's a lousy 'Spic! 

To which my mom questioned, "What did you say?"

So I repeated what I thought the words were.  She shook her head.  So I defended what I thought the words were, by saying that the Jets didn't think much of the Sharks and probably used racial epithets around them.

That seemed to settle the argument, until my mom called me at work today to inform me that not only was I wrong in my choice of lyrics but I possibly might be prejudice against people of Puerto Rican descent.

But it's all good, because to quote another line from another musical (properly this time I might add):

Everyone's a little bit racist, sometimes...

~ The Office Scribe

No, I am not actually racist.  Turns out I just sometime play the game of Telephone by myself.  Sometime I'll tell you what I thought the lyrics to "Flagpole Sitter" by Harvey Danger were...

Why My Liver Hates "Twilight"

Did you happen to catch the MTV Movie Awards this evening? (Which are still going on because awards shows go one for WWWAAAAYYYY too long...)

I did.  And before you go all judgemental on me for watching them know that I do so because of the previews for the movies that are coming out.  But the one movie I was not looking forward to the preview of "New Moon".

(Note: I tried to find a poster for this movie but all I could find were crappy ones made by fans with lackluster PhotoShop skills.)

In case you have been living under a rock or perhaps attending a Mensa meeting for the past year or so, "New Moon" is the sequel to "Twilight"; that movie about disco ball vampires in the Pacific Northwest.  Well it is much anticipated and a lot of people were tuning into tonight show in order to see the clip from the new movie.

So I knew there would be some chatter about the movie but dammit, I didn't expect the title of the movie to be mentioned every three seconds.  It was like a two-hour commercial for "Twilight".  If I had been playing the MTV Movie Awards "Twilight" Drinking Game I would be dead from alcohol poisoning right now.

Which might be better than having to put up with through the hype for the movies for books three and four...

~The Office Scribe

Okay, Who Was It???

WARNING:  THIS IS THE SAME POST THAT IS OVER AT ASLEEP UNDER MY DESK SO IF IT SOUNDS FAMILIAR THAT IS WHY...

So today I get an e-mail from someone telling me they saw my blog mentioned in an article on USA Today.   

Curious, I asked what article he was looking at.

He came back and told me it had something to do with "Jon and Kate Plus 8" being faked and talking about Kate's sisters blog and I guess the author of the article mentioned my blog because they are one of my readers.

So the question is:  Which one of you fools is writing about me in USA Today and not letting me know?  I love seeing my name in print (I'll blog about the MSNBC post* soon).

Just let me know in the comments or drop me a line at TheOfficeScribe@yahoo.com because I spent an hour trying to track down this article with no luck.  So seeing as how Google failed me I need your help.

And to anyone else that wants to write about me, that is cool, just let me know.  I like to print things off for my mom to hang on her fridge.

~The Office Scribe

* Oh yeah, I was interviewed by MSNBC.com.  I didn't mention that?  Hmm.  Imagine that...

911 or Penthouse Letters?

So here I am, just chilling out at my desk, doing some much needed writing when I start to hear what can only be described as a string of impassioned "No! No! No!"'s coming from another condo.

Of course, then the dark side of me thinks perhaps they were being stabbed to death.  (I know, this is what I get for watching 3 seasons of "Bones" in a few weeks."

So the questions is:  Do I call 911 or write a letter to Penthouse?

As of right now the noise stopped, but I bet it went on for a good 2-3 minutes.  And just when I would think "Something sounds wrong" the tone would change and I know my pasty Irish ass was blushing.

The main reason I am not that concerned is that several other neighbors were walking into the building and unless they were members of the deaf family on the 4th floor they had to have heard it and didn't seem that concerned.  So I guess I will un-mute my TV and just go back to writing.

~The Office Scribe

There Is No Dana Only Zool... In My Fridge

Okay, sometimes I hear noises coming from my fridge.  And not like the sound of the compressor turning on, but like of things falling over or moving.  Sure, I could assume that it is just a random bag of asparagus falling over, but one day I am convinced that I am going to open my fridge and see something like this:

And will I panic?

No, I will just be stoked that a childhood fantasy has come true!

~The Office Scribe

Bonus points if eggs start jumping out of the carton and cooking themselves on my counter like I live in a Benihana!!!

National Nerd Day: May the 4th Be With You

In honor of Star Wars Day I thought I would share some fun Star Wars facts about yours truly.

1) Sometime during my freshman year in high school I developed a love for Darth Vader.  Why?  Because every girl wants someone tall, dark, and voiced by the same guy who says "This is CNN"

2) One of the best birthday presents I ever received was a full size Darth Vader standup.  Here is a picture of him in my shower at my last party.

3) Another great birthday present - An autographed poster of Darth Maul signed by Ray Park my friend got me from a ComicCon.  Well, I guess it wasn't a birthday present because my friend gave it to me in July and my birthday is in February.  But when I asked him why it said "Happy Birthday, Love Ray Park" he told me he panicked when Mr. Park asked him what to write.

4) The year Episode I came out, the one with Darth Maul, I went to Toys R' Us and bought myself a double-sided Light Saber.  And I carried it around everyday in school until the movie came out.  And the strange thing is, I wasn't really a nerd in high school.  I was just really, really weird.

5) My car license plate has a reference to Darth Vader on it.  Because nothing says "Welcome to the Dark Side" like a salsa-red Dodge Neon.

6) I own the Star Wars Christmas album.

7) I do a really good impression of a Wookie.  Ask my mom.

8) According to some website I just Googled, my Star Wars name is Amanma Kohin, Norcho of Bor

9) The only beach towels I own have Star Wars characters on them.

10) My mom bought me a Darth Vader mask that changed my voice for Christmas one year.  I was 18 when she got it for me.

So yeah, I am not so much a Star Wars fan as much as I am a Darth Vader & Darth Maul fan.

'Cause those guys are hotties.

~The Office Scribe

Reason #435 Why You Are A DB For Spending That Much On A Car

I just got home from my mom's house and aside from being hella-sore from gardening at her place I was left shaken by a few close calls on the highway.  And to make matters worse I did the 80 mile drive a propane tank in my passenger seat that I stole from mom's garage so I can finally grill something on the grill I put together a month ago.

The first glance at my life flashing before my eyes came in the form of a motorcycle driver who thought it would be fun to ride the shoulder, zipping past all the paltry cars that were forced to stay within the yellow lines.  That was, until he was right next to me which is where the shoulder came to an end due to us all entering a construction zone.  So he was forced to slam on his breaks, cut in front of me, which then forced me to slam on MY breaks and how we avoided a massive pile up I will never know.  And of course, the best thing was the lovely gesture the motorcycle guy presented me with which I am pretty sure didn't stand for "Thanks for not running me over".

Next was a run-in with the cliche of all cliches, the old lady in a Cadillac.  Seems she couldn't decide which lane she should have been in to pay the toll.  I can only assume she didn't have an iPass (Illinois's toll paying device) by the way she decided to randomly drift out of the left lane into mine; actually, into the space I was still occupying with my car.  All of this just so she could make it over to the manned toll booths.  So I managed to find my horn to warn the lady that I was in the lane and she couldn't come over.  But she must have been so anti-technology because obviously had forgotten to replace her hearing aid battery because she ignored the horn and decided to come over anyway.  Luckily at this point the shoulder had re-appeared and I was able to swerve and avoid death by fiery accident involving the exploding propane tank.

But my drive home wasn't all fear of dying and white-knuckle driving techniques.  I was cruising along, doing about 80 miles an hour in my happy little KIA Sportage, singing along with Jai Ho at volume 90 when I notice a red Ferrari pull up in the left lane next to me.  So we are both cruising along, neither one of us passing the other, glancing occasionally at the other car.  I was so pre-occupied with trying to decide if he had bought the hideous shirt he was wearing or had received it as a gift that I didn't notice the State Trooper until we had passed him.  Of course he pops his lights and whips out after us, in my lane.   I am so sure I am going to be pulled over that I start panicking that I may not have my insurance on me and wondering if it is illegal to drive with propane.  But no, the lovely Illinois State Trooper switches lanes and ends up busting the dude in the sports car.  I am sure he thought "Hmm, KIA Sportage with young woman driving or DB with slicked hair in a red Ferrari convertible?"  Actually I think about 99% of all cops would have made the same choice.  So I breathed a sigh of relief and reduced my speed, just in case karma wasn't on my side and the cop had a buddy waiting for me.

Most of the time driving is a life-or-death-Jason-Statham-movie-inspired-race-for-your-life but occasionally it is all worth it to see some DB get busted for speeding.

~The Office Scribe

Living Green

I either live in the greenest building in North America or people just don't believe in throwing out their garbage.

I live in the condo unit closest to the garbage chute and I NEVER see anyone put anything in there.  And I don't spend all my time with my face pressed up against the peep hole spying on my neighbors (I only do that about 4 hours a day) but in the year plus I have lived here you would think I would have seen someone else put something in there.  But alas I seem to be the only person living here to create trash.

And I doubt that they are being all nice to the cleaning crew by taking stuff straight out the dumpster.  Because (A) I don't think people are that nice and (B) there are raccoons the size of Buicks that live in them and I know I don't want to come face to face with them.

I watch them carry the fruits of their shopping labors into the building, so I just want to know, where does the trash go?

~ The Office Scribe

Two Signs That General Mills is Coo-Coo For Cocoa Puffs

Sign Number One

Step One: Go to Google and search for General Mills Latin America

Step Two: Click on the first link, which brings you to the General Mills Latin America page.

Step Three: Scroll down to the list of countries and figure out which country doesn’t really belong. (Can’t figure it out? Then send your resume to General Mills immediately.)

Sign Number Two

Follow Steps One and Two Above

Step Three: Click on the link for Argentina

Step Four: Hide out in a cabin in the woods writing about the impending Martian war as predicted by the General Mills Latin America website. (Don’t bother clicking the link for more information – the e-mail address doesn’t work.)

I discovered these two flaws while doing a little research on General Mills yesterday (don’t ask) and now I want to know more. But sadly Trix won’t return my calls.

~The Office Scribe

The Tome That Is A Subway Napkin

Tonight was one of the few nights where I didn't want to cook dinner.  So I was lazy and stopped at my neighborhood Subway and picked up and Italian BMT, some chips and a Cherry Coke.

While sitting at my desk, happily munching away, I couldn't help but noticed that Subway napkins have a LOT of writing on them...

All this information on calories and how McDonalds and Burger King will kill you faster than Subway will.  I almost pulled out a calculator and figured out how many calories were in my sandwich.  Except and Italian BMT wasn't on the list which is sad because it is the best sandwich Subway can make.

But seriously, what is with all the writing?  It is something that you wipe the extra mayo that leaked out of your sandwich on.

What next?  Shakespeare on Charmin?

~The Office Scribe

Saturday Boredom Courtesy of the USPS

Last Tuesday said they had received the following 3 DVD's*:

- MST3K: Teenage Strangler

- Across the Universe

- State and Main

They informed me that the following DVD's would be shipped out**:

-MST3K: Eegahh!

- Mamma Mia!

- Arrested Development Season 1, Disc 1

Now seeing as I live outside of Chicago which puts me close to a NetFlix distribution center, I normally get my DVD's the next day.

When did I receive the above mentioned DVD's?

Today which is Saturday which is four days after I should have received them.

And since I know NetFlix would not screw me over like this, there is only one entity to blame:

And considering the weather around here has been beautiful lately that can't be a reason.

I am disappointed in you and your eagle emblem...

~The Office Scribe

* Don't judge me based on the movies I returned...I'll watch anything

** But you might be able to judge me based on these movies, who knows.

Want Me To Scrub Your Back Lord Vader?

Whenever I have a party at my house I like to put a little note in the shower because over the years I have learned that party guests always look behind shower curtains.

Two reasons for this odd behavior:

1)  They are super curious and want to see what kind of shampoo I use

2) They believe a serial killer might be hiding in there because they have seen one too many movies...

The last party I had, which has an eighties theme, I decided to put someone from the 1980's in my shower.

Because how many people can say they have shared a shower with Darth Vader?

Aside from the Emperor of course...

~The Office Scribe

The "B" in Plan B stands for BABY

Yesterday was a little crazy around my place because I was preparing for a nice little going away party for a co-worker.  Anyone who has ever thrown a party knows the drill.  Cooking, cleaning, stashing stuff in closets and under beds because you can't find a place for it, setting up the life-size Darth Vader in the shower to surprise people who feel the need to peek in there, etc, etc, etc.

Since I am so busy I generally am not paying attention to what is on TV.  But in the midst of shoving papers from my desk into the drawers the voice-over on a commercial caught my attention.

It was for one of the those morning after after pills and it had one of the most obvious introductions I have ever heard.

"The morning after your birth control fails it might feel like you're all alone.  But you're not."

Now what I am sure the Ad team was aiming for was that you are not alone because there is the option of Plan B out there.  But my mind, and I am sure the mind of every other semi-intelligent person would think, was:

OF COURSE YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  YOUR BIRTH CONTROL FAILED.  YOU ARE WITH CHILD!!!

Sometimes I think Ad Execs are so caffeined up with lattes that they don't stop and think about what they are telling to the consumer.

~ The Office Scribe

So Bad I Would Have Walked Out of My Living Room

I think I have walked out on one movie in my life.  It was the movie Loser and it was so painful that me and like the 17 people I was with all just up and left when we couldn't take it any longer. 

I am such a movie fan that a movie has to be pretty bad for me to stop watching.  Which is why I am a bit perplexed about my movie choices lately.  While I am careful with what I order from NetFlix, I am not so discerning when it comes to what I watch on ON DEMAND for free.  The past few days I have seen a few titles that I thought "Hey, it's better than watching reality TV" and turned on, only to stop watching after 20 minutes or so.

Fist Up: Resurrection Mary

I was pretty excited when I saw this movie was on since it is based on one of my favorite ghost tales from the Chicago area.  Unfortunately this low-budget blooper didn't do the story any justice and I never made it past the first act.

Second Movie:  Be Kind, Rewind

Rarely can you go wrong with a Jack Black movie.  And throw in the quality that is Mos Def, some Danny Glover and the chick that used to be married to Woody Allen and it's gold.  Unless you package it all together into this atrocity about re-filming VHS movies after a magnetized Jack Black erased them all.  Too bad they didn't follow their own plot and do so with this.

Third Movie:  Over Her Dead Body

I love Paul Rudd.  I have a total crush on him.  Especially when he is running with with Apatow crowd.  But sadly I don't think he is cut out to be a leading man, which he proves in this movie.  Of course, trying to picture Mr. Adorable with a bitchy Eva Longoria Parker didn't help the plot.

Come on Hollywood!  Why are you greenlighting crap like this when there are thousands of better ideas out there?  Send me a self addressed stamped envelope and I will prove it to you by sending you one of my scripts which you can make into a movie and I will give you my guarantee that it will earn more money than these four combined.

~The Office Scribe

What Does Jack Dempsey Have To Do With Bibles on the Blue Line?

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Have you ever....

...been watching a movie n HBO and started to go about doing chores, lost track of time and the next thing you know Real Sports with Bob Costas is on and you are completely confused?

Yeah, that's what happened to me today.

~The Office Scribe

Observations On Parenting - Friday the 13th Edition

Last night I succombed to some marketing ploy by a movie studio and went to see the new Friday the 13th movie ON FRIDAY THE 13TH!!!! I am a total nerd when it comes to things like this. My friend Stubbs and I also saw the Omen when it came out on 06-06-06. It's something I plan on telling my children one day.

Which brings me to the topic of raising children and the techniques other people employ while doing so.

As I was walking out of the theater at about midnight the place was packed with people waiting t get into the next showing of "Jason kills dumb people with a machete" and I actually saw several people carrying toddlers (as in kids 3 and under) into the theater.

Toddlers

Midnight Show

Friday the 13th

When their kids get knocked up at the age of 12, tossed into prison at 17, or a mental institution before they can legally drink I am sure they will blame the public schools and not the fact that they suck as parents. I can't even imagine why they would bring children of that age to such a movie. If you are going to corrupt your kids do it in the privacy of your own home so that the rest of the world doesn't have to know how big of a dipshit you are.

~ The Office Scribe

How To Tell If It Is A Slow News Day

If this is the first story that greets you when you log onto Yahoo! to check your e-mail.

I thought we were in the midst of an economic crisis. Are people just too tired of talking about it? Even so, I could think of a thousand more interesting topics to talk about instead of this.

Here are some suggestions (helpful if you are ever stuck in an elevator or need help writing a blog):
- Branson, MO Bumper stickers on BMW's
- Things people collect
- The lost art of the letter opener
- Raccoon recipes
- Can you sprain your neck? (Seriously, I think I might have yawning the other day. If you are a doctor or play one on TV let me know)
- How many toothbrushes are too many toothbrushes
- Best movie you have ever seen with Pauly Shore in it
- Does gambling on a reality TV show make it more interesting?
- Just who is Tom Collins?

It's a bit of a crazy day. I have a headache and am curing it by going to see the new Friday the 13th movie this evening. I am a glutton for pain.

~The Office Scribe

Where does he get those wonderful toys?

I was recently watching "Batman Returns" and came to the conclusion that out of everyone who has played Batman in the movies that Michael Keaton is my favorite.  I know people are going to disagree with me and start the argument that Christian "Potty Mouth" Bale is the best.   But I think those people are wrong.  While I generally like the newer movies better, Batman himself could be better.

And I think I know the reason...

The crazy growly voice CB uses as Batman drives me nuts.  Why does he think Batman needs to sound like he has throat cancer?  Does he think he has such a distinctive voice that the people of Gotham would know it was him?  None of the other Batmen felt the needs to growl.

And yes, I know this is a darker Batman (though I thought Batman was at his darkest when he went through NippleGate).  But the need to use a gimmicky voice to make yourself seem dark just weakens the character.

So all you comic people can nerd out on me, but if asked in a poll I would have to say my favorite Batman was the original*, Michael Keaton.

~The Office Scribe

* Original meaning in the movies.  Don't even get me started on the TV show.

Penetrate This Mr. Madden

I was on my way into work this morning and on my local talk radio show they had someone call in who watched the Super Bowl yesterday in Arizona. Apparently, Comcast let a little blip of porn slip into the airing of the game much to the shock of viewers. I’ll be honest, I don’t think I would have been so shocked if this had been in the Chicago market because for the first time in 27 years of watching football I realized how incredibly sexual it is.

I, like many Americans who could care less about the Steelers or the Cardinals, did not attend a Super Bowl party last night. Instead I stayed at home and watched by myself while cleaning my apartment and chatting with people online. Everyone from chat rooms to Facebook pointed out, pretty much all at the same time, the overuse of the word “penetration” by Mr. John Madden. And because I have the mental aptitude of a 7 year old I got a case of the giggles.

For the next four hours every time I heard a somewhat sexual word (penetrate, tight end, induce ?) I forgot all about the game and pictured football players caught in incredulous acts of passion on the fifty yard line. Of course it didn’t help that I was playing my own little drinking game to go along with it. Though if I had been really committed I don’t think I would have be conscious for the amazing 4th quarter.

But now that the game is over I only have one question:

When does baseball season start?

~The Office Scribe

Keep Your Cash Cow Locked Up – Or At Least Fully Clothed

I was cruising around the internet today and stumbled upon pictures of Miley Cyrus rocking some side-boob action. Sure I could post the pictures here or you could visit one of the dozen or so websites that have the pictures. Now as a female I know we all have the occasional wardrobe malfunction but I don’t remember a lot of them happening before the age of 18. And I think Miss Hannah Montana is somewhere in the range of “just became a legal driver”.

All I want to know is what the hell are Billy Ray and his non-famous wife thinking?

If my kid single handily resurrected my post-mullet career with a freaking Disney show, numerous concerts and enough money to put the Sultan of Brunei to shame there is no way I would let her out of the house in the outfits MC has been wearing. When she was seen in public she would be dressed in clothes that came from a short list of approved vendors, such as:

Gymboree

American Girls

Inuit-R-Us

Something from the Cask of Amontillado Collection

And when you do go track down the pictures as I am sure you will (though warning: Any male over the age of 18 who looks at this photos I am pretty sure Chris Hanson will be asking you to “take a seat” real soon…”) make sure you actually take notice of the FUGLY shirt that she is wearing. Like I told a co-worker, when things are that ugly I assume it was given to het by a “special” kid from a summer camp she was forced to visit by Mickey Mouse armed with an assault rifle.

Reason #346 why I am never having kids: Side Boob

~The Office Scribe

How Bad can Poligamy Be?

One of my co-workers joked to me a while back that she thought it would be a good idea if her husband took on more than one wife because it would give her some time off.  I laughed and said it made sense.

With the new season of Big Love on now the topic was brought up again and the more I think about it the more I am keen to the idea.  In this instance, my co-worker said as long as I cooked and watched sports with her (our?) husband then she would clean and do the laundry.  I damn near moved in with her with that comment.  Who wouldn't want a life like that?

My ideal guy used to be a musician, an athlete or a movie star.  Not for the money or fame, but because they would leave for extended periods of time and anyone who knows me knows I love my alone time.  But now I think I need me a guy who is already married but haas an understanding wife...

~The Office Scribe

Old People Are Funny

I spent the weekend at my mom’s house, as I do about every other weekend for two reasons: (A) I love my mother and (B) she cooks for me. This weekend we also decided that we needed to go to the movies and see some of the films that are nominated for the Oscars. I was a little shocked this year to see most of the movies I had spent the year seeing weren’t nominated. Okay, not really. I came to the conclusion long ago that Hollywood rarely if ever heaps praise in the form of Naked Gold Men for movies that I actually like.

But any who…this weekend my mom and I went and saw Slumdog Millionaire and Frost/Nixon. Both were great movies with superb writing and acting. And I am not blowing smoke up your ass by saying so. I actually really liked both movies, so kudos to the Academy for getting something right.

Frost/Nixon was my favorite of the two, because the portrayal of Richard Nixon by Frank Langella was spot on and that I was the youngest person in the theater by a good twenty years. I guess shame on me for being a 26 (nearly 27) year old who loves American History. I love the looks I get when I am the youngest person surrounded by oldies. They take one look at me and then are forced to glance at their ticket to make sure they didn’t accidently wander into My Bloody Valentine 3-D.

My favorite geriatric moment came when the lights went down and the theater was left in complete blackness except for the faint light coming from the screen. An elderly couple was about halfway up the steps and stopped right by my aisle. Even though I was in the middle of my row, I could hear their whispered conversation saturated in confusion. See, in the darkness they couldn’t see where two empty seats were and stood, frozen like people who run across a T-Rex. Afraid to move lest someone spot them. Or worse, they are spotted and take a nasty tumble down the stairs.

No joke this couple stood there for a good four trailers before something came on screen that was bright enough for them to see that there were some empty seats in my row. So of course, Mr. and Mrs. Santa Clause (that’s what they looked like) sidled into my row and sat next to me, luckily leaving the customary empty seat of separation between us.

I forgot that I was surrounded by people who actually lived through Watergate until about an hour into the movie when a cell phone went off. Now, mind you, I was the only person of the cell phone age in the theater. My mom, who would still be considered a young whippersnapper in that group hadn’t even brought hers. Nope, the phone and its god awful volume 11 ring belonged to a little old white haired women about ten rows in front of me who couldn’t find the thing in her enormous Mary Poppins like carpet bag of death. Right in the middle of a critical scene (because they were all critical) we were serenaded and the suspension of disbelief was broken.

But I guess that serves me right for going to a movie at one in the afternoon. Next time I’ll remember to go to a 5 o’clock show, when the oldies are already in bed.

~The Office Scribe

All Work And No Play Makes Me Something, Something

In a fit of madness today I decided that one blog in my life wasn't enough and I wanted to take on the challange of two blogs. For those of you who don't know, I am also the author of a blog called Asleep Under My Desk which is all about working in an office. But sometimes I want to rant and rave about things that I encounter after I have left the place where I spend 40 hours a week. Hence this blog.

While I might not post with the regularity of my other blog (though you never know...) I promise that this will be a place where you can read about my thoughts on politics, movies, religion, global warming, Paris Hilton, Disney World, my bum knee, crazy neighbors, my new obsession with NetFlix, cooking lessons, and everything else that clogs my mind.

So welcome and enjoy. And feel free to tell me how truly warped I am. I thrive on compliments like that.

~The Office Scribe